


Salt and the Sea

by baeconandeggs, exhoechanbaek



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Baekhyun Is Going Blind, Exes Chanyeol and Rose, Fluff, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pining, Sexual Content, Slice of Life, break up make up, stargardt disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:07:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 41,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24527365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/exhoechanbaek/pseuds/exhoechanbaek
Summary: Baekhyun lost a little more of his vision every day, his life was greying before his eyes. He was broken, brittle, letting the salt of his tears drown him whole.Chanyeol was the sea, steadfast, constant, weathering away at Baekhyun’s despair until he learned to thrive again.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Park Chanyeol/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Comments: 99
Kudos: 282
Collections: BAE2020





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:** BAE075  
>  **Disclaimer: baeconandeggs/the mods is/are not the author/s of this story. Authors will be credited and tagged after reveals.** The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> **Author's Note:** Hi there! Thank you for choosing my fic, this piece has more than my blood, sweat and tears, it has a beating part of my heart. This is my first time writing for BAE though so please excuse any mistakes. I would like to thank the BAE mods for conducting this amazing fest year after year and for being so understanding and sweet to me. To my prompter, I loved this prompt as soon as I saw it and I hope I did it justice, thank you for your beautiful idea. I’d like to thank my beta T, for being so much more than a beta, if it weren’t for her I would’ve never finished this fic. Finally I’d like to thank you, the reader, one more time. Thank you for giving my story a chance and I hope you enjoy it.

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” - John Milton, Paradise Lost

Baekhyun smiled contentedly to himself as the notes of Jongdae’s perfectly in tune singing washed over him. His roommate was never quiet, but he really put on a show when he was in the shower, main vocals and acapellas and even one man harmonizing. It warmed something cold and buried in Baekhyun, knowing that it was mostly for his benefit. 

If Jongdae was showering, he roughly had another thirty minutes until he had to get to his classes. Sure his phone could easily tell him the time, but after two years of living with his best friend, it was easier to set his schedule based on Jongdae’s. It gave him a sense of solace, knowing they were in tune like that. 

Baekhyun gently placed his cereal dish in the sink, running his hand across the counter till he could grab his phone. It vibrated with incoming messages but Baekhyun didn't swipe down, leaving the messages from his father unheard. With practiced grace he turned and walked the worn path to the couch. Jongdae would have left his book bag on it along with his jacket. 

He really didn’t deserve his roommate.

The shower turned off and within seconds he could hear Jongdae’s voice booming through the hallway. 

“Baek! A couple of people from uni are going to a dim sum place tonight. Do you want to come along?”

It would be so easy to pretend not to hear the resignation underneath the hope. They both knew Baekhyun would say no, as he had in all the years they’d been friends. 

“Ah, I have this big exam due Jongdae. You know how it is.”

“Right. Yeah no, that’s fine. Don’t wait up okay. Leave me a message when you’re home.”

Baekhyun didn’t know when he grabbed the cushion, didn’t remember clenching so hard around it his knuckles were white. But his smile was as open as ever.

“You make sure you’re not too drunk to get home.”

Jongdae’s laugh filled the room and Baekhyun’s fingers finally went lax.

—o—o—o—

It started as most things do, unhurried and unnoticed until one day there was irreparable damage. Darkness seemed to last longer, straining against his eyes even when others were already relieved at the light.

The colors of his mother’s favored tulips started blurring together, he could’ve sworn he saw yellow and orange just last week.

Knocking against things in the dark was their silly little joke, Baekbom’s laugh bringing the smile to his face instantly. The first time he gashed his knee against his brother‘s dresser, he felt the blood before he saw it, warm and wet, dripping down his leg. 

The stain was still on Baekbom’s carpet. 

“Mrs Byun, please. You must stay strong for Baekhyun.”

He still remembered the second Christmas after his diagnosis. He used to lie down underneath the tree and look up at the twinkling lights, blinking off the silver baubles. He couldn’t make out the baubles anymore, their silver blending with the rest of the stiff green needles of fir. 

The lights stood out though, winking at him. Small pinpricks of color in a rapidly greying vista. Baekhyun had felt the tears trailing down his cheeks, eyes burning at their own futility, their painful incompetence. 

“It’s very rare. Just about one in ten thousand people will ever get the disease since it’s caused by a recessive gene mutation.”

He wasn’t fully blind; the degeneration started in the very center of the eyes. A tiny speck of grey that would grow bigger until one day it would eclipse his entire vision. 

He didn’t hate not being able to see, not really, but oh how he loathed being a statistic. A number to quote, a way for people to secretly heave a sigh of relief. Knowing that they were one of the lucky nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine who didn’t carry both recessive genes, whose eyes could still make sense of the world.

—o—o—o—

He had picked his university because it had an excellent program for the visually impaired. Dr Zhang had given him a couple more years until his vision deteriorated completely, for now he could see around the haze at the center of eyes, could make out the boldest of colors and brightest of lights.

Baekhyun took three classes per semester, English, Psychology and a special course they offered to disabled students. One to train them to help others like them, be it educational or vocational. Days blurred together, he did well in his classes but held no real interest for them, going through the motions to make his parents happy. 

“Baekhyun, you’ve barely eaten. Are you sure you can see where the food is? Do you want me to point it out for you?”

Seulgi had been born blind. But what she lacked in vision she made up for with a piercing intelligence and an infectious laugh that was the high point of Baekhyun’s day. 

Baekhyun looked down at his plate, he couldn’t actually tell what he was eating by the mess of browns and beiges, but the taste of powdered instant mash potato was oddly comforting. 

“I’m almost done with everything on my plate.”

“Don’t you dare lie to me Byun Baekhyun, I’m _blind_.”

The laugh bubbled up before he could stop it and his relief came quick and whole when Seulgi’s face sank into a smile. She had no way of knowing he hadn’t been eating, but sometimes she seemed to see through Baekhyun as if he were made of glass. She often joked that his dark and twisted insides were the only things she _could_ see. 

“Now push that disgusting thing away and tell me what’s wrong. We’ll go get bubble tea later.”

Baekhyun paused, was something wrong? He was so used to the constant ache in his chest that it melded into the background on most days. He couldn’t really put a name to it, it wasn’t too severe. Not like the first days. 

“I don’t know Seul. It’s nothing specific,” he knew his voice was barely audible right now, the default when he’s feeling uncomfortable.

“I’ve started dancing,” Seulgi’s voice was clear and sure. 

Baekhyun took a slow sip of his drink, knowing his friend would circle back to whatever point she was trying to make.

“I think you should do something out of your comfort zone Baekhyun ah. Something that could inspire you,” a warm hand grazed the length of the table till it could slip into his own. Baekhyun resisted the urge to squeeze it too tight, the craving for touch forceful and raw. 

“Inspire me to do what Seul? Not be a depressed kid slowly going blind?”

He had intended for humor, but his words came out blunt and brazen, too honest for the light atmosphere of the sun dappled courtyard where they had their lunch every day. But of course Seulgi would not shy away from it, she didn’t cower, she ran straight through her worst fears. Baekhyun wished he could do the same, but he’s afraid to even think about all his fears, knowing they’d swallow him whole. 

She turned their hands until she could lace their fingers together, rubbing one thumb soothingly across his knuckles.

“To give you something to smile about. To give you something to hold on to.” 

Baekhyun shivered, once again it felt like Seulgi was inside his mind, where his demons crowded close and stripped him of everything that he once was. 

“I’ll think about it.”

“I promise it’ll be good for you B. Trust me on this.”

Baekhyun didn’t have to see Seulgi’s eyes to know that they probably would be shining with the force of her conviction right now. Even if they’re permanently hidden behind blocky black glasses. 

It seemed laughable to him, a hobby won’t be enough to save him now. He’d befriended his demons, laid down in the darkness and let the essence of who he was seep out of him. At this point he was nothing more than a husk of his former self. In the deepest, most desolate parts of his heart, he was desperate for something to make him whole again.

—o—o—o—

Late afternoon was his favorite time of the day. He was done with his classes and had nothing tethering him to the stifling corridors of his university.

The park was only a short walk away, but it's serenity and isolation made Baekhyun feel like he was hours away from the hallowed halls where he was always walking on eggshells, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He walked up his favorite hill which overlooked the large lake that traverses the park. A shimmering azure gemstone in the center of a lush green jewelry box. 

Once he had his back against a wide oak, he rifled through his backpack to find his book. He never actually read while he was here, but he always needed something to occupy his hands when he was idle. He ran his fingers down the worn spine, closing his eyes to simulate his inevitable future when he wouldn’t be able to see the sunshine glimmering off the water surface or look down to see the deep red of the book he was holding. 

When he opened them again the light was sharp against his eyes, but a second too late. A lag that made all the difference. With effort Baekhyun pushed those thoughts away, fruitless and vain as they were. 

He propelled himself until he was lying flat on the ground, grass prickling against his skin but soothing at the same time. He closed his eyes again, but this time he let his mind wander to brighter things. Birds chirped cheerfully overhead, their freedom and zeal echoing in their songs. Baekhyun took his time in separating the sounds, picking out each individual bird’s tweet. He heard the shouts of children playing nearby and it brought an immediate smile to his lips. He wondered what would happen if he were to walk up to them and ask them if he could join in on their games.  
Would they take pity on the blind man who thinks he can make a goal?  
With a shake of his head he dispelled the thoughts, wondering why his mind couldn’t be silent for a single moment. Why it always had to launch barbs at such a breakneck pace, piercing every small bubble of joy he tried to conjure up. 

Just as he was about to give in to the melancholic spiral, the first notes of a guitar sailed through the summer air. Baekhyun shot up in surprise, he visited this park every day religiously and had never heard someone play music here. He looked around to see if he could spot the source, blinking in frustration when his vision blurred before him. With a forlorn sigh he laid back down. He could still enjoy the music even if he couldn’t see who was weaving such magic with the strings. And magic it was, the tune simple and playful but tugging at Baekhyun’s heartstrings with its honesty. Whoever was playing it had no other motivation than to sit down on a balmy day and strum a song, choosing to bring a smile to the few people gathered around instead of keeping it to themselves or doing it for gain. 

Baekhyun felt a calm like never before, the sun was warming his skin, the dew on the grass rubbing against its softness. The song progressed to another one, this one slower in beat but just as effervescent. Baekhyun felt light, even slightly drowsy as the notes lulled him to sleep. 

When he woke, the music had stopped, a quick check of the time told him he had barely dozed off for half an hour. But he felt rested, sated in a way he hadn’t been for a long time. He picked up his things and made his way back to the bus stand, happiness fizzing in his chest. Because this was how Baekhyun found joy, in the chirp of a songbird, in the laughter of children. In the dulcet tune of a summer melody that wouldn’t escape his head, keeping his smile etched on his face throughout the journey home.

—o—o—o—

The weekend passed as it usually did, with copious amounts of junk food and a Baekhyun shaped impression left on the bed from overuse. Without him even noticing, Sunday was upon him, leaving him disgruntled anew at the prospect of another week of school. He sat on the couch listening to an audiobook, idly squeezing his plushie whale.

With his characteristic fanfare, Jongdae burst into the room.

“Baekhyun! Baekhyun, wake up!” he shouted while simultaneously kicking his shoes off.

“I’m up Dae. I was listening to a book,” Baekhyun looked on as his roommate lunged forward to tackle him back onto the couch. 

Jongdae’s face was so close, his eyes shining with mirth, a glint of mischief evident. He reached up to cup Baekhyun’s face and squished his cheeks together. 

“I have a proposition for you.”

Baekhyun laughed out loud, trying to push his friend off him but to no avail. “Whatever it is I’m going to say no. Do you see how clean these pajamas are?”

Jongdae’s brows furrow in puzzlement, “What does that have to do with anything?”

Baekhyun shook his head sagely as if Jongdae wasn’t understanding the most simple of matters. “It means that I have just showered. And so, I have at least another two days of wear out of it. It simply won’t do to change out of them.”

Jongdae balked at him for a whole thirty seconds before whacking Baekhyun with his plushie. “Byunbaek I let you get away with a lot but it’s a three day weekend and I’ll be damned if I’m going to watch you rot your brain and become one with the couch.”

Baekhyun halted in his fight to get his heavy roommate off. _It was a three day weekend?_  
These kinds of things don’t usually pass him by so easily. He blamed the spell that anonymous guitarist had woven on him that Friday afternoon. 

Jongdae finally pushed off Baekhyun with a grunt. He looked down, eyes narrowed in threat but still lit up the way it always was when he gazed at his best friend. 

“Please? It’ll be good for you to get out. Just this one time. Try it and if you hate it, I’ll never ask you again,” Jongdae said, voice earnest and so gentle. 

Baekhyun closed his eyes for a moment, waiting for his brain to quieten. To stop screaming at him to refuse, to isolate himself so that they can freely wreak havoc on his thoughts. 

“Okay.”

Jongdae’s eyes widened in shock, “Are you serious? You’ll really come?”

Baekhyun could already feel the anxiety creeping in on him, long tendrils of black mist coiling around him, teasing his airway, ready to cut him off at any second, leaving him choking on his next breath. It had happened before. Too many times to count since his diagnosis. 

He placed his phone down with grim resolve and stood up, loosening his limbs as he walked towards the bedroom.

“Try to look nice Jongdae. You are going out with _the_ Byun Baekhyun after all,” he hoped his sudden cockiness masked the trepidation he felt with every passing second. 

“Ya! I’m a stone cold ten on any given day,” Jongdae smirked as he passed by and lightly smacked Baekhyun’s bottom. He slung his hand over frail shoulders and pulled his roommate close. 

“You’re going to have so much fun tonight. You’re going to be begging me to take you out again,” Jongdae’s smile was so clear in his voice.

Baekhyun hoped against hope that he was right, wished with all his might that tonight would surprise him. Add just the smallest tinge of levity to another weekend otherwise drowned away in casual despair.

—o—o—o—

Baekhyun knew he was good looking. He’d seen enough pictures of himself, heard enough compliments to last him his whole life. Even after the degeneration that marred his once twinkling eyes, random people have stopped him in the streets to ask him if they had seen him in some or the other ad campaign.

But once his vision started diminishing, he had no interest in himself anymore. What was the point of putting on planned outfits or doing his makeup? Could anyone look past his disability? Could he? 

But since Jongdae had been so excited about tonight, Baekhyun put in a little more effort than usual. The leather jacket brought his wide shoulders into prominence, distressed jeans showing off shapely legs, jagged rips revealing skin. He had held the deep emerald eyeliner in his hand for an eternity before exhaling a long breath and smudging it on to his eyes. 

Jongdae squawked when Baekhyun finally emerged from the bathroom. He spluttered uselessly before breaking out into the biggest grin Baekhyun had seen. 

“Byun Baekhyun you’re going to leave behind a trail of broken hearts tonight,” he teased.

Baekhyun couldn’t help the color that rushed to his cheeks. “Oh please Dae, blind people can’t break hearts.”

Jongdae helped him into his coat, squeezing his shoulders before letting go. “Don’t play coy you rascal, you. You’re not blind yet, which is a good thing because you’ll need all your senses intact in case someone tries to jump you with you looking so delicious.”

Baekhyun had pushed Jongdae away, lightheaded from the glow of being complimented. 

The taxi ride was over far too soon, Baekhyun was still armoring himself to face the rest of the night. Jongdae seemed to notice his nervous fidgeting, placing gentle hands on his shoulders and rubbing warmth into them. 

“Don’t overthink B, just let yourself enjoy it. Oh look, my friends are right there,” Jongdae said as he pulled him in the direction of the bar. 

The music was loud and the lights were too bright. Baekhyun felt his breaths coming quicker, a headache forming instantly.

He was coerced into the middle of the circular booth, escape impossible. Jongdae’s friends were good people, kind and funny. They tried to engage Baekhyun multiple times over in the first hour, only stopping when Baekhyun couldn’t hold his end of the conversation for more than the length of a couple of abysmal answers. 

He was trying so hard. He wanted to discuss the menu, wanted to laugh along to the jokes. He wanted to tease Jongdae for not being able to take his eyes off the pretty bartender. 

But none of that was possible because Baekhyun wasn’t really even at that booth. He was deep in the recesses of his mind, struggling to find the exit. 

_You think they like you? That you’ll ever be a friend to them?_

_Jongdae only puts up with you because you pay half the rent, he doesn’t love you_

_What’s there to love?_

“Baekhyun? Baekhyun! Earth to Baekhyun!”

The sharp calls of his name finally pierced through and Baekhyun jolted out of his rumination. The table was looking at him strangely and he felt colour suffuse his cheeks. 

“I’m sorry guys, just remembered about an assignment I have due later,” he fibbed easily. 

A few people laughed out loud while the rest of the table nodded sympathetically. Forgetting due dates was an intrinsic college experience. 

“The music here kinda sucks. So we’re thinking of going to the noraebang next door. A couple others will be joining us. What do you think?” Jongdae asked hesitantly.

Baekhyun’s head was imploring him to say no, he had been looking for an out for the past two hours and here it was on a silver platter.  
But the hope in Jongdae’s eyes was burning so brightly, he found himself nodding before he realized what he was doing. 

Jongdae introduced him to an even larger group of people just outside the noraebang. Baekhyun instantly forgot the faces and names of most, only retaining a few discordant details. A too wide grin, honey colored skin, catlike eyes and boisterous laughs. 

The room they had chosen was terribly lit and garish in the extreme, a quintessential aspect of all karaoke bars in the area. Baekhyun held on to Jongdae’s hand in a vice-like grip, squeezing himself into a sliver of couch just to make sure he was next to his friend. 

The others wasted no time in queuing up their songs, beer orders were loudly called out and quickly chugged down. Noraebang was only half as entertaining if steadily inebriated. Two of Jongdae’s friends wasted no time in loading up I Got A Boy and belting it out, words already slurring together. Baekhyun couldn’t help his smile as the two men wiggled their hips to the beat, trying to mimic SNSD’s steps. 

Almost every person had a chance at the mic, leaving a few who were too shy or too drunk to manage the required level of dexterity and cognitive prowess. Baekhyun was definitely tipsy. He hadn’t planned on drinking, but the beer tasted especially good and it quickly mellowed his racing thoughts. He let out a loud coo as one of Jongdae’s friends butchered For You as he held the hand of his mortified but adoring girlfriend. 

Jongdae looked over at the sound and beamed exuberantly, his own face flushed from the alcohol. “Baekhyunnie, one song. Just one song, please?” Jongdae pleaded.

Alarms were already going off in Baekhyun’s head, but his mind was buoyant from the intoxication. He felt oddly calm and more than a little fearless. 

He didn’t register Jongdae’s loud gasp of surprise as he stood up and reached for the mic. The man who handed it to him had a cheery smile on his face and gave him an encouraging thumbs up. Baekhyun smiled in return before turning away and facing the large screen. 

The blue green light stung his eyes but he had come too far to cower back to his seat. With a white knuckled grip on the microphone, he hesitantly began the first notes. He knew he had a pleasant voice, back when things weren’t a somber grey beige and filled with more color, he dreamt of being a singer. Not an idol, there was too much hassle associated with that. But maybe a regular at a nice restaurant or even a theater singer when he really let his dreams take flight. But those had quickly crashed down after Dr Zhang’s gently stated prognosis, obliterated before they could even fully form. 

The song was rich and full of power, varying pitches, ones Baekhyun reached effortlessly. His voice was deep enough for the low notes, soaring just as easily into falsetto. He could hear Jongdae’s whoops and the surprised gasp of a few other people but his eyes were scrunched close. He knew these lyrics by heart, didn’t need to see them floating around on the screen. Clean Up had always been one of his favorite ballads, from his days fooling around in elementary school to nights spent in noraebangs when he was a rebelling teen. 

He felt the prickling of an intense gaze on his face, he placed it as the guy who had handed him the mic. He smiled into the song, feeling a strange sense of pride at having done a good job in front of the man who looked like he was rooting for him. 

The song ended before he realised and his next breath rushed out of him in a whoosh of relief and adrenaline. He hadn’t sang at a noraebang in _years_ , hadn’t so much as stepped out with a friend in just as many. He felt like he’d run a marathon, vanquished a beast. He turned on autopilot, seeking out familiarity, seeking out Jongdae. 

Within seconds he was enveloped in one of his favorite embraces, Jongdae held him bone crushingly tight. His pride beaming out as he finally released him, his smile just this side of maniacal. “That was freaking amazing Baekhyun oh my god!”

Baekhyun could only chuckle lightly at the awe in his best friend’s voice. “I’ve told you I used to sing a little.”

“That wasn’t just a little singing! That was- that was-“ Jongdae sputtered off into silence, only for his friends to chime in with a dozen compliments. 

Baekhyun ducked his head as a blush tinged his cheeks, he thanked them all and even let a couple of the girls squeeze his hands gently. He didn’t realize that he was angling his body towards one voice, the man who gave him the mic. He didn’t know why he needed to see that particular reaction but as with everything tonight, it was instinctual and uncontrollable. 

He guessed that it was the man with floppy black hair, he was in conversation with a girl next to him. But when he felt Baekhyun’s gaze on him he turned quickly. His entire face lit up with the force of his smile and Baekhyun felt a frisson start in his chest. 

The man held both hands up in a thumbs up gesture and mouthed some words. Baekhyun didn’t catch it but his smile was wide and genuine. 

He sat back down and was immediately drawn into the conversation. For the first time all night he didn’t feel like an intruder or a fraud. He talked and laughed, he fed his contact into a couple of people’s phones. Even if his brain cruelly reminded him that he’d never see these people again, that they wouldn’t _want_ to. 

When the two roommates finally stumbled into their apartment, the birds were already announcing the arrival of a new day. Baekhyun lay in bed, satisfied and restless. The adrenaline was draining out, leaving space for the doubts and fears to creep back in. 

Maybe he had over done it, maybe Jongdae had told his friends to be nice to him. Maybe no matter how hard Baekhyun tried, he would fall just short of happiness, of success. 

He forgot all the faces he had met that night, what use was it anyway. It’d all be gone some day, one way or another. A too wide grin and a comically large body took just a little longer to forget. 

But the demons had their ways after all. By the time Baekhyun closed his eyes against the early morning sunlight, he had convinced himself the entire night was a one off, a fluke. Never to be repeated again.

—o—o—o—

It was the last two weeks of school before summer break. The weather was unbearably humid, muggy air that felt solid enough to slice through. Baekhyun could feel it like a blanket of damp heat on his skin.

The intensity of the sunlight meant an added difficulty to Baekhyun’s day, his eyes protesting against the harsh glare. He slumped back down in his seat, noncommittally picking at his pasta salad. The lettuce had wilted from the offensive temperature. He supposed it was their own fault for picking from the ‘Continental’ section of the cafeteria instead of the Korean meals. 

“Can you not look _quite_ so depressed B?”, Seulgi wondered, poking at her own congealing salad. “You’re ruining my vibe. I’m trying to imagine I’m on a beach in the Maldives.”

Baekhyun cracked a small smile and looked up, immediately shying away as redness burned behind his eyelids. 

“I think it’s getting worse,” he mumbled. 

Seulgi didn’t say anything, the prognosis was pretty much cut and dry. Baekhyun _will_ lose his eyesight, it was just a matter of when. 

“B, you can focus on things you have no control over. Or you can tell your condition to fuck itself and stop letting it ruin your life”, Seulgi reasoned. 

“I went to a noraebang yesterday, I even sang a song,” Baekhyun declared, more than a little proud. 

Seulgi’s excited squeal was like music to his ears, invigorating him from his slump of seconds prior. He leaned forward just as excitedly, bracing his face in his hands. 

“It was crazy Seul, I still can’t believe I did it. It was Clean Up, you know, by The Ray? I’ve always loved that song and I still knew the words by heart! Oh and you should have seen Jongdae’s face-”

Seulgi smiled indulgently, letting Baekhyun ramble. She hadn’t seen him this animated in all the time she’s known him. 

“And the beer tasted even better than usual and I might have gotten a little drunk? Anyway, there was also this one guy. One of Jongdae’s friends I guess and he was kinda cute. Not that he noticed me,” Baekhyun petered off, color tinging his cheeks. 

“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Seulgi admonished, stabbing her fork in his general direction.

“It’s fine. I don’t care about that,” Baekhyun clarified. “But last night made me think about what you said. I felt- I felt like my old self for a few minutes.” 

It had been familiar, his body remembered it so well. The rush of performing, the deep controlled breaths before hitting the high notes, his fingers curling on the keys of a phantom piano. 

“I’m going to sign up for music classes. Jongdae knows a bunch of people at the academy downtown,” Baekhyun enthused.

Seulgi jumped up and down in her seat, her walking cane clattering to the ground in her excitement. By the time Baekhyun picked it up and emerged from under the table, Seulgi was still buzzing. 

It always confounded him as to how Seulgi could be so vicarious, feeling his pain and pleasure like it was her own. He didn’t hesitate before getting up and taking a seat next to her. He pulled her into his arms until her head was buried in the crook of his neck.

“Aww B don’t get all mushy on me now,” she whispered, but the smile was all too clear in her voice. 

“Thanks for being so damn good to me. I know I make it hard sometimes,” Baekhyun whispered back, feeling the softness of Seulgi’s hair on his lips. 

“Hard is such a simple word for the hell you put me through,” Seulgi jested. 

Baekhyun guffawed out a laugh before twisting his hands into a loose chokehold. 

Her breathless laughs and pleas formed another tune in his heart, wrapping around him until his smile couldn’t slip if it tried.

—o—o—o—

A part of Baekhyun couldn’t believe it. He simply couldn’t believe that he voluntarily agreed to come to another party. But Jongdae had reasoned that it was a small house party, just some drinks and some pizza. He added that it would be good for Baekhyun to keep up the momentum, not to write off last weekend as a one time thing.

In all honesty none of that swayed Baekhyun. It was something entirely different. Jongdae had casually mentioned that all his friends from the other night would be there, piquing Baekhyun’s interest. When Seulgi caught wind of it, she had dropped her books in her haste to grab Baekhyun and make him promise to take her with him. 

Now in his bathroom, as Seulgi and him got dressed to the tune of ABBA, he felt incredibly light. Seulgi’s excitement was rubbing off on him until he was unconsciously dancing along to the music, fixing his hair up and putting a smidge of gloss on his lips 

“Are you looking hot? I feel like you’re looking hot. The aura you know” Seulgi pondered out loud from her perch on his bed. 

“I’m not looking hot. Just the same as always,” Baekhyun replied. He pulled his leather jacket tighter around himself and turned to help Seulgi out of his bedroom.

“You’re lying. I can tell when you do that too,” Seulgi said as she felt her way to the front door. 

Baekhyun felt another rush of unbelievable fondness for his friend. Because if Baekhyun had become hesitant to go out after his diagnosis, Seulgi flat out refused to do so at all. She never went anywhere after school, choosing to spend all her time at home. 

Even her firecracker personality wasn’t strong enough to fight her own fears of being in public places with people she didn’t trust. But she was here, dressed in the prettiest coral top and armored with courage. Just to meet Baekhyun’s tiny crush, just to hang out with him for a few hours. 

Jongdae was rocking back and forth on his heels, expression supremely smug at having convinced Baekhyun to go out again.

“Okay nobody sent me the memo, I look so underdressed,” he whined as Seulgi stepped into her shimmery ballet flats. 

Baekhyun pinched Jongdae’s ass as he passed him. “At least you don’t have to worry about that cute bartender tonight.”

Jongdae blushed a bright red, clearly not expecting Baekhyun to have noticed, let alone remember the fact. Baekhyun’s smile widened as he heard his roommate indignantly mumbling about getting the bartender’s number any time he wanted it.

—o—o—o—

It had been going relatively smoothly, Jongdae’s friends welcomed him warmly and Seulgi’s hand in his was unspoken support. There were more people than Jongdae had promised, but that was fine. The first hour went by in a blur and Baekhyun was starting to settle in.

He was sitting on the couch nursing his beer when someone he didn’t know sat down beside him. The boy looked younger than Jongdae’s usual circle, arms heavily tattooed and a piercing slashing across his bottom lip. 

“Hey. Haven’t seen you around here before,” the stranger started, voice smooth. 

Baekhyun was startled, panicking at the close proximity and the novelty. He turned awkwardly, a little too quickly, the beer sloshing out and dripping onto the boy’s pants. 

Baekhyun felt his limbs locking in mortification, he uttered a ceaseless string of apologies, looking around for something to wipe up the small spill. 

The stranger looked miffed for only a few minutes before he looked right at Baekhyun’s face, his expression contorting. 

“Ohh, you’re Jongdae’s friend. Don’t worry about it man, you can’t help it.” The sneer is evident in his voice. 

Baekhyun flinched away, his face flaming, thoughts spiraling. 

“Dude, seriously don’t sweat it. I can’t imagine how you do it, you know, with your _condition_.”

Baekhyun felt his chest burn with humiliation, his bottle of beer trembling precariously in his shaky hold. He hadn’t met anyone new in so long, hadn’t been exposed to the scrutiny of a stranger. He couldn’t even blame the boy. Disability is an oddity, outside the norm and intriguing to those who can’t help but be curious about a body that doesn’t function the way it should.

The pity in the boy’s gaze was palpable, Baekhyun felt nauseous. He needed air, he needed to be alone before he imploded. 

“Hey you okay? I can help you outside-“

“Thank you but I can still fucking see,” Baekhyun spat as he shot off the couch. The anger was a quick fire response, a reflex to protect. 

Tears blurred his vision as he stumbled through the house, fury and shame warring violently in his head. The music was suddenly too loud, the rooms too crowded. 

Jongdae and Seulgi had gone out back and Baekhyun didn’t want to go running to them. He didn’t want to put a damper on this night like he always did. 

He pushed his way through a hallway, rubbing at his eyes which refused to cooperate at every opportunity but were always up to the task of crying. He turned a corner, only to be pushed back by the force of another person colliding into him. 

He looked up, nose running and sight bleary. It was him, the man. Of course, _of course_ this would happen to him. He couldn’t catch his next breath. He knew he was gasping, chest heaving as panic clawed at his insides. 

He felt strong hands wrap around his arms, stabilizing him. He hung his head, unable to look at the man’s face. He was so embarrassed, he felt his face flushing and tremors rack through him. 

The next breath he took was clear, the cold night air welcome on his burning face. The man had guided him out through the crowds and sat him down on the porch. Baekhyun wondered if it was the man’s intimidating stature or the fact that he was toting around a person in the middle of breakdown, that made people move out of their way so quickly. 

“You alright there? I hope this is okay.”

The man’s voice was so deep. It flowed through Baekhyun, golden honey dripping from a comb. A rich bass that warmed him from the inside. 

Baekhyun nodded, unable to find his voice. He looked up at the sky above them, stars scattered, tiny pin pricks of light against the midnight blue.

The tears had stopped for the moment, but he still felt shaken. He wished the light of those faraway celestial beings could somehow reach him, surround him in cosmic stardust and transform him. Just like those fairytales. Take the disease and the bitterness away, purge the anger and darkness and make him someone good. 

Someone lovable. 

Someone who the person next to him would be interested in.

“My sister used to have really bad anxiety,” the molasses of his voice wrapped around the words slowly. “I just figured same protocol. I’m Chanyeol, by the way.” 

“Baekhyun.” His own voice is brittle, cracking like glass. 

Baekhyun wished with his whole heart that he wasn’t sitting on this slightly damp porch, the wetness seeping into his jeans. With an awfully attractive man sat next to him, looking over at him periodically. 

He felt the gaze like a brand on his skin. 

He was too terrified to confront it. He wouldn’t be able to bear another glance of pity, not from this person in particular. 

“I’m not always like this,” the need to clarify is instinctive. “I- I wasn’t like this...before...” 

His words dry up as quickly as they come.

“You don’t have to apologize for something you can’t control, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol assured.

The warm hand on his back caused him to jump but he didn’t push it away. Not when the warmth radiated from between his scapulas all the way to his very core.

They sat for moments longer, words unspoken. The kind of easy camaraderie that comes with being strangers pushed into an even stranger situation. 

He couldn’t answer Seulgi’s excited questions when she chanced upon them. Couldn’t look Chanyeol in the eye when he had smiled at him and wished him a goodnight. But he wanted to tuck the memory away, safe in his heart where it cannot be destroyed by the demons in his head.

The entire ride home he replayed it, every word and gesture from the man. Chanyeol. By the time they dropped Seulgi off at her parents, the stranger from before was almost forgotten. 

His mind was crowded. A too warm hand, a too deep dimple. A baritone flowing like sticky treacle through his thoughts.

—o—o—o—

It was still early enough that the mid morning sun wasn’t scorching down yet. The air had just a bit of bite left over from the previous night, lightly pushing Baekhyun’s jacket back as he walked with his shoulders hunched. His earphones were blasting Brown Eyed Girls as he trudged forward, a shabbily drawn map clutched in his hand and his walking stick rattling across the chipped pavement.

People gave him a wide berth, as always, but a few of the more hawk eyed ones looked back at him curiously when they noticed the map in his hands. He was sure he looked ridiculous, who would give a blind man a map? They didn’t know of course that he could still see their faces, their bright clothes and dark hair. The glasses were tinted to protect his delicate eyes from the harsh sun, the walking stick a compulsion from his mother. 

He didn’t mind it though, no harm in playing his part to completion. He kept his head down till he reached the glass facade of the newest music academy. It looked intimidating, the lights reflecting off its floor to ceiling windows burning even through his glasses. There was no one going in or coming out; it was completely silent. 

Baekhyun took deep breaths, steeling himself. He shifted his focus to the sounds of nearby traffic, pedestrian’s shoes clacking along the pavement. It was familiar and soothing, routine ingrained. It calmed him enough to reach out and push the door open, letting his walking stick lead the way inside. 

The air conditioning was humming along pleasantly in the background and Baekhyun could make out various instruments playing from the recesses of the large building. The doorway opened to a massive reception area, dominated by a wraparound desk. Two men were chatting across it, the sound of their laughter bouncing off the wooden panels. 

Baekhyun shuffled forward, steps awkward. His clattering stick finally caught the attention of the men, who looked over at him with warm smiles. One was tall and lean, his skin standing out with its caramel tone, contrasting with his decidedly Korean features. His white teeth flashed in a grin as he waved Baekhyun over. 

“Hi there! Are you looking to sign up for classes or apply for one of our teaching positions?” he asked jovially. 

Baekhyun coughed once before replying, wiping his clammy hands on his jeans. “I want to sign up for classes. Um, I’m Jongdae’s friend?” 

The words trailed off as he stood there, fidgety and looking like he was ready to bolt. 

The second man came forward, he was close to Baekhyun’s height. His big doe eyes screamed sincerity and Baekhyun found himself calming down just from the gentleness of his smile. 

“Of course. You must be Baekhyun right? For piano? Jongdae called ahead and told us. I’m Kyungsoo by the way,” the man said as he reached to shake Baekhyun’s hands. 

Baekhyun smiled back and walked towards the counter with Kyungsoo, silently hoping the man hadn’t noticed how sweaty his hand was. 

“And I’m Jongin,” piped up the other man, smile beatific. “We can sort out the few bits of paperwork later. Chanyeol is waiting for you in room 401.” 

Baekhyun jerked back, sure he had misheard. It couldn’t possibly be the same person. 

“Chanyeol?” he echoed dumbly. 

“Do you know him already? He has another gig in two hours which is why I’m rushing you a bit. I hope you don’t mind,” Jongin said, walking out of the counter to lead Baekhyun to the classrooms.

Baekhyun didn’t know what to feel as he trailed behind Jongin. One part of him was jubilant, he could be in the presence of the man who invoked a strange sense of excitement and hope in him. But the other parts cowered at the knowledge that Chanyeol had seen him in one of his lowest moments, had to pat his back and soothe him until he could calm down. The humiliation of it all still singed his skin. 

Before he could tell Jongin he had made a mistake, that he wanted to learn the trombone and not the piano, a door was pushed open and he was instantly engulfed by the soft notes of Chopin’s prelude in E minor.

The notes laced around him, instantly slowing his racing thoughts. He couldn’t look away from Chanyeol, the man was so focused in his piece that he didn’t even look up at the newcomers. There was strength and grace in every line of his body. His wide shoulders were stiff and straight, his back regal as his fingers flew across the ivory. The simple satin shirt slipped and stretched beautifully across his body, the lights overhead making it shimmer. The same lights putting a halo across his dark locks, his bones into prominence.

Baekhyun felt his heart twinge painfully in his chest. Chanyeol looked breathtaking. And so far out of his reach. 

Jongin waited politely for the song to finish before clearing his throat. “Your 8am is here Yeol. You only have an hour before your show at Sungwon’s.” 

Chanyeol turned towards them and blinked for a few seconds before a dazzling smile erupted on his face. He stood up, a little too quickly, and yelped when his shin hit the bench. 

Baekhyun’s heart warmed at the juxtaposition from just a few moments ago. This Chanyeol, who limped exaggeratedly over to them and clapped Jongin on the back didn’t seem so unattainable. He seemed open and friendly, face terribly honest. 

“Ah! We meet again. A pleasure to see you here Baekhyun. I’m excited to start our lessons,” Chanyeol enthused. 

Baekhyun nodded, unsure of what words to say first. He reached up to take his glasses off, thankfully the lights here were dim enough for him to see comfortably. 

When he put the glasses away and looked back at the two men, he found them staring at him. Jongin’s features looked like they were having trouble deciding which expression to settle on, lips twitching and eyes blinking rapidly. Chanyeol’s smile had dropped some of its wattage but he was still gazing at Baekhyun in that way of his. As if he somehow knew this was a big step for him and he was proud of him. 

Baekhyun turned to Jongin with a smile. “I’m not fully blind, yet. But I will be. You don’t have to worry about insulting me or hurting me.”

Jongin’s next exhale was loud enough for both of them to hear, he stepped forward and squeezed Baekhyun’s shoulder. 

“I knew I liked you. Don’t let this guy slack off. And definitely don’t believe he’s as cool as he will make himself out to be,” Jongin whispered conspiratorially before letting himself out. 

With Jongin’s booming personality gone, the silence condensed around the room. Baekhyun has always been timid, a little too quiet around new people. But it was much worse with Chanyeol, his interest making him too scared to misstep. 

Chanyeol had walked back to the piano and sat down, he was looking at Baekhyun expectantly. 

“I have to go soon so let’s start with the basics today?” he asked, tone gentle as ever. 

Baekhyun nodded, an unconscious smile tugging at his lips on hearing that deep voice.  
He came to sit next to Chanyeol, careful not to be too close. 

“Do you have any experience with the piano?”

“I used to go for classes when I was a kid. Quit after the first few though,” Baekhyun’s voice was clipped. 

They’d gotten the diagnosis three weeks after he had joined classes. It had been a birthday present from his grandmother. After that day at the clinic however, Baekhyun hadn’t come out of his room for a month. 

“I see. So can I assume you know some basics or should we start afresh?” Chanyeol asked, smile ever present. 

“I remember a few notes. But I think it’d be better just to start from the beginning,” Baekhyun answered. 

“Alright then! So this is C. It’s always the one right below your chin when you’re at the center of the piano. Now this is D.”

Baekhyun watched, slightly mesmerized as Chanyeol’s nimble fingers played each note. The sound echoed beautifully in the empty, high ceilinged room. His voice steady, the tenor of it reaching all the way down to Baekhyun’s bones. 

His own fingers were trembling slightly as he copied Chanyeol’s instructions. He faltered often, and his face would burn each time. But Chanyeol didn’t reprimand him once, instead he’d praise his every small victory. He was endlessly patient and kept up a stream of light hearted banter that had Baekhyun relaxing completely. 

His usually noisy head was quiet, immersed in the moment. The piano’s mellifluous tune and Chanyeol’s easy expertise grounded him, making him enjoy the simplicity and excitement of learning a new instrument. 

The hour went by all too quickly, Chanyeol getting up with a bashful look on his face. 

“I’m so sorry about cutting this class short. The others will be the standard two hours and you can stay even longer if I don’t have other students coming in,” he said apologetically. 

“It’s okay,” Baekhyun replied. And it was okay, this class had already surpassed his expectations. He had come in with so much trepidation only to leave with his heart lighter than it had been in months. 

“Great! Since you don’t have keys back home, you can practice reading this sampler. You don’t have to get it perfect but it’s just a little homework until our next class,” Chanyeol said, packing his things into a worn messenger bag. 

Baekhyun nodded, hands clutching the sheet music. They walked out together, waving goodbye to Kyungsoo and Jongin at the reception. 

Jongdae was supposed to pick him up but he had an hour to spend before his friend was to arrive. He looked around the street as they exited the academy, trying to find a cafe or music store to pass the time. 

Chanyeol ended the call he was on and turned to Baekhyun. “I’ll see you next week, right?” he asked. 

“Yes. I’ll see you Chanyeol”, Baekhyun smiled, lifting his hand in a small wave. 

He had only gone a couple steps ahead when he was stopped by Chanyeol calling his name. He turned to see the man grinning at him, hands in the pocket of his jeans. 

“Ah, I just wanted to say I’m glad. That you are doing this,” his voice a little hesitant for the first time. 

Again Baekhyun wondered how Chanyeol seemed to know more about him than he’d ever said, if Jongdae had somehow clued him in. But he knew that Jongdae wasn’t like that, that a secret told to him would be taken to the grave. 

He didn’t know how to reply and Chanyeol didn’t seem to be expecting one. His smile was still stretched wide, the light morning breeze blowing his hair off his forehead. 

“Get home safe and stay out of trouble till Saturday,” Chanyeol quipped.

Baekhyun chuckled and gave him a thumbs up before turning back and walking across the road. Saturday already felt too far away.

—o—o—o—


	2. Part II

“Today, separated from my love, I am.  
Without companion, sweetheart and friend, I am.  
The one who did not sleep on the darkness of night, I am.  
In short, entangled in every sorrow, I am.” - Nasibi Gilani 

“Baekbeom, could you please pass the rice? Thank you dear. So, Baekhyun, how’s school?”

His mother’s voice was sharp, rising above the clatter of spoons and chopsticks striking plates. Family dinner was a monthly tradition. His mother would have preferred it to be weekly, but all three men of the house were vocally averse to that idea.

He placed his spoon back onto his plate, a little too noisily. Immediately his father flinched, as if he were just waiting for Baekhyun to do something like that. 

His fingers curled in on themselves, nails biting into skin. “School’s fine. The usual. My Psychology professor’s been sick for the past week so we use that class to work on part time job applications.”

It was his mother’s turn to place her cutlery down. She steepled her fingers and rested her chin on them, mauve lips drawn taut. “Why would you need a part time job? Your father pays your tuition. And we take care of rent and food. You should focus on your grades,” she said. 

“It’s about gaining some experience, mom. Before... before the inevitable,” Baekhyun reasoned, voice calm but mind roiling. 

The silence was awful, his father refusing to look up from his plate and his mother staring at him with a painful combination of disdain and pity. Baekhyun wanted to leave, he hated these dinners. Hated the insinuations and the condescension. 

Just as he was about to either choke out an argument or excuse himself, he felt a hand on his leg. He looked over to his side where Baekbeom was sitting. His brother gave him a small nod and another squeeze under the table and Baekhyun could breathe again.

“I think it’s an excellent idea Baek, what places are you applying to?” Baekbeom naturally diverted the conversation until his parents reluctantly joined in. 

Baekhyun spent most of the dinner pushing his food around his plate, teetering between revealing his music lessons and trying to avoid another argument. 

It had been a month since he’d joined the academy. His classes were going well, it was unreal how quickly his old training had come back to him. Chanyeol was the perfect teacher, professional but filled with so much warmth. He taught with infinite patience and rewarded with unguarded affection. 

Within the first two weeks Baekhyun found out that Chanyeol was just a very affectionate person in general, prone to touches and unannounced hugs. At first Baekhyun would cower away, face flaming, unused to being touched so familiarly by anyone other than Jongdae or Seulgi. But after he saw the way Chanyeol’s face had fallen when he had recoiled from his outstretched hand, the way the man stopped touching his arm when giving a compliment or slapping his back when he laughed, Baekhyun quickly learned to get comfortable. 

At this point it was essentially a craving. His music class was constantly in the forefront of his mind, his calendar reduced to the two days of the week where he’d get to be with Chanyeol. His university classes weren’t so dismal now that he had something to look forward to. He was happier at home too, listening to the songs Chanyeol would recommend, tinkering around on the small electric keyboard Jongdae had found online. 

They were small changes, but sometimes Baekhyun felt like a whole new person. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d broken down or cried himself to sleep, and that was a first.  
He wished he could tell his parents about the new change in his life, about how he was finally just a little happier. But he knew they’d tear it down. Discourage him from anything that they deemed not worth his time. 

His parents weren’t always like this. They doted on their mischievous youngest, adored his rambunctiousness and wit. Baekhyun’s laugh would be reverberating through the house at all times of the day, and it was like music to their ears. 

Then his vision started deteriorating and Mrs Byun didn’t know how to react, how to adapt. So she locked up her emotions, went from crying herself to sleep to becoming almost ferocious in making sure Baekhyun was safe. She would protect him from the world, from himself. Over the years she could never tell when exactly her personality changed, when she gave up the hope she had been holding on to for all the years they’d known about Baekhyun’s condition. Warmth and kindness was replaced with an almost scientific detachment, she only lived to see Baekhyun make his way through the world in one piece. Happiness wasn’t a necessity. 

Baekhyun looked up at his parents when he finished half the food on his plate, stomach refusing to accept more. He missed being able to talk about his day to his father. His once goofy and doting father who was now so scared to make the wrong move around him that he simply didn’t try at all. 

They were talking in hushed tones, no doubt plotting how to persuade Baekhyun to stop sending applications. Baekbeom had excused himself to take a phone call from his boss. The house was perfectly quiet as usual. No music to lighten the mood, no laughter to ease the heart. 

As if they felt his useless eyes on them, both his parents turned to him at the same time. It was his mother who spoke first. “I talked to Dr Zhang yesterday. He wants us to come in and meet with a specialist, a Dr Kim Junmyeon.”

Baekhyun felt the trembling begin in his fingers, new appointments always meant only one thing. A graver warning than the last time. 

“When is it?” he asked, knowing his mother would have set up the date already. 

“First thing Monday morning. Bring your file with you and wear your glasses.” 

Her words were clipped and exact, no hint of emotion. 

Baekhyun could sense the tears burning behind his eyes. He’d noticed that the central darkness in his vision was getting bigger, light barely coming around the blur. He’d convinced himself he was imagining it, a display of self pity. But he knew it would be put curtly in black and white on Monday morning. 

His parents had gone back to eating, not even having an inkling of the turmoil their son was going through right in front of them. With a murmured goodbye he stood up and walked out of the dining hall, grabbing his backpack from the living room. He mouthed a silent “I love you” to his brother and walked out of his childhood home, feeling more desolate than he had in weeks.

—o—o—o—

“Yes, that’s exactly right, Baekhyun. You’re doing so well!”

Baekhyun glowed under the praise, the keys feeling smooth and sure under his nimble fingers. The music trilled beautifully through the room, each note precise and perfect. The large windows and sunroof let in an abundance of light, the air was crisp even though they were inside. 

This was one of his favorite songs, Gymnopedie by Erik Satie, he loved the wistfulness of it, the whimsy.

He had been secretly practicing this for weeks, a special treat for Chanyeol. Baekhyun looked over at Chanyeol and his next breath backed up in his chest. He looked so radiant, pride shining in his eyes. Of course Baekhyun had to sneak in as many secret glances as he could to finally put together all the small details, not being able to make them out if he looked right at Chanyeol. 

He had his hair coiffed up today, a rare occurrence. Baekhyun couldn’t help but admire how it brought his strong bone structure into prominence, the high cheekbones, the aquiline nose. He was even dressed fancier than usual, a dark colored shirt stretching over broad shoulders. 

Baekhyun felt his heart squeezing painfully. It had taken him some time to admit but it was evident now that he had surpassed the initial curiosity and interest to something much stronger. 

Baekhyun reveled in Chanyeol’s presence, in his silly jokes and his sweet touches. Chanyeol who broadened his horizons, with his unending knowledge about music, his wide group of friends from all walks of life. He had introduced him to Kyungsoo and Jongin, coerced Baekhyun to go out with the three of them. And that night Baekhyun had felt freer than ever before. He let himself tipsily lean into Chanyeol, craving warmth and comfort. He’d laughed so hard at one of Kyungsoo’s jokes that he had beer coming out of his nose. 

When he was with Chanyeol he wasn’t ‘Baekhyun, the nearly blind boy’, he was just _Baekhyun_. Chanyeol understood his wry sense of humor, laughing so loud, one eye twitching uncontrollably. He found Baekhyun’s cynical outlook on the world amusing, taking it as his own personal challenge to make him see things in a more positive way.

They’d hung out a few times outside the academy, getting a coffee or visiting the nearby pet store to buy toys for Chanyeol’s dog. Baekhyun let himself think it meant something more until he saw that Chanyeol took all his students on occasional adventures. He had a small class, just six students, but each of them loved him dearly. 

Baekhyun couldn’t even find it in him to be upset, not when he was ready to take any part of Chanyeol he could get. 

While Chanyeol was constantly touching him now, it was never suggestive. Baekhyun couldn’t take the chance to press, couldn’t fathom the humiliation rejection would bring. So he happily settled with whatever attention Chanyeol could give him. 

“I cannot believe how good you’ve gotten in such a short time Baek! It’s amazing!” The hand on his shoulder was _so_ warm. 

“I have a great teacher.” 

Chanyeol ducked his head bashfully and Baekhyun’s fingers tingled. He had been anticipating this class for weeks now, slowly building the courage. 

He was going to ask Chanyeol out to coffee today. It would be the first time he initiated anything. Baekhyun was hoping that he’d get the smallest glimmer of his feelings, no matter how subtle he was being. 

Chanyeol had gotten off the bench and was wiping down the keys before he closed the lid. “So, your psych professor is back right? How did the applications go? Any bites?” Chanyeol asked over his shoulder. 

“Not really. One of the libraries I applied to emailed me back but I’ve been...putting off opening it.”

Chanyeol turned then, his eyes full of understanding. “Come on Baekhyunnie, you can’t be afraid of the unknown. It could be good news for all we know.” 

“I guess. I’ll do it tonight, I promise.” 

“No plans on a Saturday night? Come on kid, you have got to make use of being in uni.” 

Baekhyun felt heat crawling up his neck, he dug his fingers into the rip in his jeans and took a deep breath. 

“Actually Chanyeol, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a coffee? Together? Um, with me?” Baekhyun spluttered off pathetically, heart racing.

Chanyeol looked surprised for a moment before his face fell, hands coming together to clasp themselves. “I would have loved to, Baek, but I already have plans tonight. I’m sorry, yeah?”

Baekhyun shouldn’t have felt bad, Chanyeol was six years older than him. A man with multiple jobs and a circle of friends so big it was unimaginable to Baekhyun. Of course he would have plans for the weekend. 

But the hurt came in razor sharp nicks to his heart, drawing blood and anguish to the surface. He felt his ears burning, shame intensifying with every second. 

He didn’t know how he pushed the smile onto his lips, how he hopped off the bench and grabbed his jacket with all the nonchalance he could muster. 

“Oh, no problem. I just had some spare time before hanging out with Jongdae and Seul later so I thought we could catch up. Next time, right?” Baekhyun’s voice was so careful.

“Of course, Baek! I can’t wait,” Chanyeol slung an arm around his shoulders as he led them out of the music room. 

Baekhyun felt little shocks zapping his skin from every point of contact with Chanyeol’s body, the arm around his shoulder holding him secure, a sturdy chest offering warmth. 

They walked out and joined Jongin and Kyungsoo’s conversation about their favorite way to make tteokbokki, which was on its way to getting pretty heated. 

Chanyeol had withdrawn his arm but lingered close and Baekhyun savored his last moments with him before his next class on Tuesday. 

He was just placing a restraining arm on Jongin, who looked like he was ready to jump Kyungsoo for insulting his mother’s recipe, when a girl came careening out of one of the music rooms. 

Her heels clacked loudly on the wooden floors, long blond hair in disarray as she slid to a stop in front of Chanyeol. One neatly manicured finger pulled away a lock of hair caught in her lipgloss, her face settling into a beautiful smile. 

“I’m so sorry. The last class ran a bit over and then my dad called. I completely lost track of time! Ready to go?” 

Her voice was just as polished and pretty as the rest of her, but it was grating against Baekhyun’s ears. This was clearly the person who was going to be taking up Chanyeol’s evening. 

“Where are you guys headed?” Kyungsoo asked, soft smile on his face. 

“To the new gallery that just opened up. Wendy hasn’t stopped talking about it,” Chanyeol said, moving to help the girl into her coat. 

Once it was on, she slipped both hands around one of Chanyeol’s arms and laughed a sweet, tinkling laugh. 

“I’ve been bugging him forever and he finally caved.”

“It was getting pretty tiresome and I could only hold out for so long, Wen.”

Baekhyun watched the exchange with his heart thudding; even though their words were very heavily laced with sarcasm, the way they gazed at each other told of something completely different. 

He had never felt like such an outsider around Chanyeol, suddenly unsure of his footing. Without thinking he stepped forward, walking stick clambering to the floor in his haste. 

He felt his face erupt in flames and he quickly stuttered out an apology. 

Wendy bent down and retrieved his stick without hesitation, handing it to him with another beatific smile. 

“Don’t worry about it. Are you a student of Chanyeol’s?” 

“Uh, yes-“ Baekhyun didn’t know how to proceed so he just stood there, wishing desperately for this moment to end. 

“You should hear him sing Wen, he’s amazing. Could probably give you a run for your money,” Chanyeol was looking at him in that way of his, eyes molten and smile just a touch secretive. As if this was their own personal jest. Baekhyun cursed the butterflies that erupted in his chest. 

Wendy let out another laugh, this one a little sharper. “Maybe I’ll hear him sometime. Well, we should probably get going, we can’t miss our dinner reservation later.” 

Chanyeol nodded and yelled out a goodbye to everyone. He slipped a hand around Wendy’s waist, pulling her closer as they stepped out of the academy. 

Baekhyun was still standing in the same spot, trying to gather his bearings and decide what to do next. He felt a hand on his back and Jongin’s face came into view. 

“Got any plans Baek? Kyungsoo and I were heading home to check out his new vinyls. You in?” 

Precious Jongin, always so perceptive, so inclusive. 

Baekhyun agreed without much compulsion, he had already experienced their company and knew he would have a good time. He didn’t have to worry about being himself and it was the perfect way for him to forget that the man of his affections was out with someone else. 

And so he found himself sprawled on Kyungsoo’s floor, glasses and walking stick cast aside. Smooth ‘50s jazz flowed from the antique record player in one corner of the pristine apartment. Next to it was a floor to ceiling shelf filled with vinyls, no doubt alphabetized. 

Jongin was on the couch, eyes closed as his hands moved along to music. Kyungsoo was in the small kitchenette, throwing together a quick dinner. He had refused Baekhyun’s help and relegated him to the living room, telling him to just relax and enjoy the music. 

So that’s what Baekhyun did. The music wove through him, soft vocals singing about joy making his lips curl up unconsciously. He drummed his fingers to the beat, head clear as he let the music work it’s magic. 

Every once in a while his eyes would flash with the sight of Chanyeol’s hands on Wendy. But he told himself that he had no right to feel bitter about that, not when Chanyeol didn’t even know of his infatuation. When it was possible that, unlike him, Chanyeol preferred the opposite sex. 

He could hear the voices gearing up to ridicule him so he shut down that trail of thought and tuned into the music once again. He hummed as he felt Jongin’s hand in his hair, softly scratching his scalp. 

“You’re like a cat Baek,” he chuckled. “I could hear you overthinking from up here. All good?”

Baekhyun was always surprised at how intuitive his new friends are, how quickly they’d learn to read him. It had taken Jongdae at least a year to work through his thorns and misery to understand how he worked.

But Jongin had somehow seen right through him from the start, always knowing when Baekhyun was slipping into the darkness in his mind and resolutely pulling him out of it. 

“How long have you known Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asked, hoping he wasn’t being too obvious. 

Jongin smiled, as if he was expecting the subject of the question. “Since university. We were in the same band. Why do you ask?”

“Has he- does he-“ Baekhyun had no idea how to frame his thoughts into something inoffensive. “Has he been dating Wendy for long?”

Tired of struggling, he let his heart take the lead. Why he felt trusting enough to do this, he didn’t know. But he felt relief gush through him when Jongin’s face didn’t change at all. No judgement or suspicion in sight. He just looked up pensively for a moment before answering.

“They’ve been dating each other on and off for a couple of months I guess. Chanyeol’s been a bit wary of the whole dating scene since his last relationship. But Wendy is nothing if not persistent.” 

Baekhyun swallowed the large amount of new information, locking it away to scrutinize later.

“What happened? I mean, is Chanyeol okay now?” Baekhyun knew he was playing a dangerous game. But he didn’t think a chance like this would come up again. 

This time Jongin’s smile dimmed, he sat up, running a hand through his hair. 

“I’m not sure actually, Chanyeol never told me. He’s that kind of guy, you know? But he’s much happier these days.” 

Baekhyun smiled at that. In the short time he’d known the man, his happiness now translated into his own. More questions were at the tip of his tongue, rushing to get ahead first. But he was interrupted, and perhaps luckily so, by Kyungsoo coming out with a massive tray of food. 

Baekhyun gawked at the variety of dishes, steaming bowls of soup and rice, a plate of fried fish and numerous smaller plates of _banchan_. 

“Kyungsoo, this is amazing! How did you do all of this so quickly?” Baekhyun asked, leaning forward eagerly towards the plethora of dishes. 

Kyungsoo hung his head, pink crowning his cheekbones, always averse to compliments. 

“Jongin’s mother keeps us supplied in kimchi and side dishes year round, and our rice cooker works a treat. So it wasn’t difficult at all,” he answered meekly as he placed a piece of fish first on Baekhyun’s plate, then Jongin’s before he helped himself. 

“Kyungsoo is the best chef I know,” Jongin beamed proudly as he looked over at his roommate. “This sort of home cooked food is his speciality.”

“Yah! Just last week I made Gordon Ramsay’s pasta!” Kyungsoo exclaimed, pointing his chopsticks at Jongin.

Jongin chuckled before reaching out and poking Kyungsoo’s forehead where his brows had bunched together. His gaze was _so_ tender. 

A blush crawled up Baekhyun’s neck, he felt like an intruder, the atmosphere suddenly far too intimate. He had assumed the two were good friends, but it was clear that it was something more. 

Before he could do anything stupid from the overwhelming awkwardness he was experiencing, Kyungsoo leaned over and flicked his head.

“Eat your food before it gets cold. I didn’t slave away at a hot stove for you to drink cold soup.” 

Jongin shot him a victorious smirk for getting him out of the range of fire and Baekhyun relaxed again. Whatever the nature of their relationship, they never failed to make him feel included, and wonderfully cherished.

—o—o—o—

The new coat was infuriatingly uncomfortable, too tight on the shoulders and too long in the sleeves. The faux fur lining was itchy, chafing against the sensitive skin of his arms. His mother had brought it with her when she came to pick him up for the appointment, forcing him to take off his usual jacket and change into the new one.

He increased the volume on his phone, letting The Lumineers drown out the next stream of inane chatter from his mother. He looked away from her to the minimalistic space of Dr Zhang’s clinic. Everything was white, with a few splashes of yellow and blue from accent pieces scattered around the room. 

It even smelled pleasantly of hyacinth, a stark contrast to the hospital where they’d first gone when Baekhyun’s vision had started diminishing. He liked coming here. Dr Zhang was always gentle, interested in his life without being intrusive and never cold or cruel.

But today he felt trapped, suffocated under his mother’s scrutiny and the impending meeting with the unknown specialist. He’d spent the night tossing and turning before he finally let himself break down and cry. The tears kept coming and at one point Baekhyun didn’t even know what he was crying about. 

Was it just about the diagnosis? Or was it the sudden realization that his entire life might change. Even though Baekhyun had had years to prepare for complete blindness, he wasn’t ready. He had different aspirations now, a new hope. Chanyeol’s face had flashed before his eyes and a sob had been wrenched out of him at the futility of it all. 

“Baekhyun. Baekhyun! Pull those out of your ears and get up. It’s our turn.”

There were two men inside Dr Zhang’s office, both talking amiably, exchanging differentials when Baekhyun and his mother stepped in. 

His mother cleared her throat, a little too loudly for Baekhyun’s ears. 

“Baekhyun! Mrs Byun, it’s great to see you both. Please sit down. This is Dr Kim Junmyeon, a vitreo-retinal specialist.”

Dr Kim took turns shaking each of their hands, letting his fingers linger in Baekhyun’s for just a second longer as he studied his face. Baekhyun found it hard to maintain eye contact, there was too much sincerity in this doctor’s eyes, a blazing kindness that made him cower away. 

“So Baekhyun,” Dr Zhang began as they all settled back in their chairs. “How have you been doing since our last appointment?”

Baekhyun fights the urge to look at his mom, knowing she’ll completely derail the conversation, berating him and pouring out all her troubles to Dr Zhang. The man always listened with his ever present smile, never asking her to stop. 

But Baekhyun loathed it, couldn’t stand how she’d make it seem like he was harming himself on purpose. As if the progression of his disease and the hurt it caused his mother was his own doing. So he quickly launched into an update before his mother could cut in. 

“I’m fine, I guess? I have been noticing a bit of pain at night. It goes away by the next morning. I think I’m just tiring them out.” 

“I see, well that’s not a big concern. But do give me a call if it’s increasing in frequency or intensity. How’s school?” Dr Zhang asked as he opened his file, thick and cluttered, some yellowing pages slipping out. 

“School is the same as usual. I’ll be graduating in another year.” Baekhyun was getting more nervous by the second, he wished they would just get to the point. 

“And how’s your vision Baekhyun?” 

The new doctor had finally said something. His voice was saccharine but in a good way, calming Baekhyun’s racing heart. He couldn’t help but smile back at the man when he gave him an encouraging nod. 

“I- I noticed that it’s getting...a bit...”

Words staccato, too painful to let out. Maybe if he kept them inside his mouth, they would cease to be real.  
He switched his mind to distraction, the low hum of the air conditioning, his mother’s nails clacking on her designer purse, impatience in the very rhythm. 

“Is it decreasing? Trouble seeing things clearly?” Dr Kim supplied, trying to be helpful. 

But it only made Baekhyun’s breathing become labored. His fingers were clasped so tightly together, he was starting to lose sensation in them. He kept his head bowed, unable to face what they were were saying without words. 

“Baekhyun. What’s happening is nothing to be afraid of. You know your prognosis right? This is the inevitable end.”

If it was said by anyone else, it would have stung beyond measure. But there was so much understanding in Dr Kim’s voice, a smattering of sorrow to be saying those words to him. And who wouldn’t be sad? To tell a nineteen year old boy that he would one day soon not be able to see the world. To rip away his dreams and hopes and tell him to get used to darkness. 

Baekhyun knew the tears were coming, could feel them gathering on his lashes, but he blinked them away resolutely. He was not going to break down, at least not here. Not with his mother staring at him with that look on her face, mouth grim and eyes wet with despair and pity. 

“Why am I here then? Why is there a specialist? I thought-“

_I thought there would be good news. I thought there would be hope._

“Junmyeon is a friend of mine. He specializes in stem cell therapy for macular degeneration. He was interested in your case. And I thought perhaps this meeting would be mutually beneficial.” 

Baekhyun fought against the urge to flinch. ‘Interested’ in him, like an oddity behind a glass cage. 

“You said there was no cure,” Mrs Byun piped up, leaning forward. 

Baekhyun whipped around to face her, mouth dropping open at how her voice sounded completely unlike her own, expression erring on the side of desperate. 

“Mom- “

“Be _quiet_ Baekhyun. Dr Zhang, Dr Kim, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” she asked both of them in turn.

Dr Kim looked panicked but schooled his features into a somber expression before answering. “Mrs Byun this is purely experimental. We are only in the clinical trial stage. But it has shown some promise and doesn’t have any negative effects, so if Baekhyun was interested-“

“I’ll do it,” Baekhyun interrupted breathlessly. 

Now it was his mother’s turn to turn to him, aghast. “Wait till we have all the information son, it could be dangerous.” 

“He just said it wasn’t right?” Baekhyun challenged, locking eyes with his mother. 

The air was tense, both of them unwilling to back down. But Baekhyun was consumed by the idea, however risky it could be, he wanted to do it. He was tired of being a passive character in his own life, he felt ashamed at how early he had given up. 

These days waking up wasn’t such a burden, going to university had become just that much more interesting. One evening a few weeks ago, tipsy off peach schnapps like teenagers, he had grabbed Jongdae’s arm and confessed his dream of singing professionally. His friend had laughed before he realized that Baekhyun was being serious. He had clutched Baekhyun right back and promised to help him no matter what. 

Baekhyun was brought back to the clinic when Dr Zhang cleared his throat to get both their attention. His mother looked away from him, lips pursed and eyes refilling. 

Baekhyun felt his heart cracking. This was the part he hated about their appointments. They walked in together but it always felt like a battle ring. Someone walked away the victor and the other was left to feel pathetic and alone. 

But for once Baekhyun simply couldn’t back down. He was looking for his light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel he thought was indeterminable in length, filled with treachery. And here it was, offered on a silver platter by a Kim Junmyeon. 

“I’m okay with signing whatever, doctor. I would like to try the treatment,” Baekhyun said confidently. 

“Baekhyun, please.”

“Baekhyun, maybe you should discuss this with your parents.” 

Mrs Byun’s and Dr Kim’s voices came at the same time, sounds warring with each other but the sentiment echoed similarly. Baekhyun simply shook his head once, silencing them both.

“Well alright then. Baekhyun you can meet Dr Kim in his own office next time to discuss the details further. I’ll be overlooking the treatment the entire time,” Dr Zhang assured. 

Baekhyun was grateful for it, felt safer in the hands of the doctor he’s known for most of his life. 

“Now that we are done with that, I’d like to speak to Baekhyun privately for a bit.” 

Baekhyun’s heart crashed to his feet, all his elation doused, a weak flickering flame against a hurricane. 

“Baekhyun,” Dr Zhang began once the door clicked closed behind his mother and Dr Kim.  
“I need you to understand, this is an _experiment._ A temporary cure at that.” 

Baekhyun didn’t speak, couldn’t, so the doctor continued in his soft voice doling out bad news even if he wished desperately for a different outcome for this boy. He remembered when he had first met Baekhyun, the boy seemed to be aglow in his own joy and positivity. He was so small, jumper sleeves so long only tiny nail buds peeked out. He had an unruly mess of ebony hair, flopping over his eyes. Eyes incredibly wide, equal parts exhilarated and confused with the smallest touch of fear. 

He couldn’t understand why his mother was crying but he had started howling before her first tear drop could hit the floor. 

“Baekhyunnie, worst case scenario, it doesn’t work at all. But the best case scenario is only a short term improvement. The course of your illness...it’s set in stone. I’m sorry,” Dr Zhang’s professional demeanor cracked in the last word. 

He gave much worse news to patients every day, but it always felt worst when he was addressing the frail boy in front of him. His face had been lit up only minutes ago, it had taken him straight back to ten years ago, a glimpse of the bright eyed child who had come in clutching his mother’s arm. 

Now his head was bowed again, face ashen when he lifted it up. As if he had momentarily forgotten everything, hope surging in his chest, lifting him above the precipice of sure decline, only for Dr Zhang’s words to bring him crashing back down, truth washing over him until he had nowhere else to hide. 

“Thank you Dr Zhang,” Baekhyun choked out as he stood up on shaky legs. 

“I just wanted you to be sure Baekhyun-“

“I know. I’m grateful, really. I’ll see you next time.” 

Baekhyun’s bitter laugh at his own self depreciating quip echoed in the small office even minutes after he had left.

—o—o—o—

“Well, here we are!” Jongdae tried to infuse as much cheer into his voice as he could when he pulled up in front of the music academy. But one look at Baekhyun told him that it was useless.

His roommate had been completely listless since he’d returned from his appointment. Jongdae had to force feed him, threatening him with a call to Chanyeol until Baekhyun reluctantly took the bowl of food from him. He didn’t eat his first bite till he had cussed Jongdae out in three languages though. 

He watched as Baekhyun got out of the car with a muttered goodbye, shoulders slouched as he made his way inside. He sighed, long and deep. He thought Baekhyun had turned over anew, cooking Kyungsoo’s recipes at home and laughing till he had to hold his sides. Smile ever ready and face flushed bright. 

And now he was back to square one. He didn’t tell Jongdae what his appointment was about but he could connect the dots well enough. He started the engine and pulled off the curb, hoping the music class would lift his friend’s spirits. 

Baekhyun played immaculately, not a note out of place. His fingers moved over the keys, eerily robotic. 

Chanyeol watched him silently. He’d greeted Baekhyun with his usual enthusiasm and had received a lukewarm response. His numerous attempts to start a conversation or coax a smile had fallen flat. 

The room was too quiet without their banter, without Baekhyun’s wry comments and his accompanying guffaws of laughter. It was strange to think of a room as quiet when music was floating around it, harmonious and uplifting. Baekhyun had picked a cheerful tune, high trills that spoke of exuberance and joy. But his own mood was horribly downcast. 

Chanyeol didn’t think it would bother him so much, but he couldn’t take another minute of Baekhyun’s stony silence. He smiled to himself as an idea popped into his head, pulling out his phone to send a quick text. 

“Baekhyun? Hey, Baek!” 

When his calls didn’t even get a blink in response, Chanyeol turned in his seat and put both his hands over Baekhyun’s own, halting his movements and causing a jarring sound to echo through the room. 

Baekhyun swung around to look at him, eyes wide in surprise.

“Now that I’ve got your attention, what do you say we get out of here?” Chanyeol proposed, voice honey sweet. 

“W-What? We still have forty five minutes of this class left!” Baekhyun balked, clearly confused. 

Chanyeol was already putting on his jacket. He grabbed his guitar case from its perch by the door and held a hand out to Baekhyun.

“You and I both know you’ve got this piece down pat. Come on, it’ll be fun I promise. You trust me don’t you?” 

Baekhyun felt warmth bloom all over his chest. The intimate words, the outstretched hand, the glint of mischief in Chanyeol’s eyes. No force in the universe could’ve kept him from rising and slipping his hand into Chanyeol’s. 

Seoul summers meant blazing heat and torrid monsoons. The sky held the promise of rain, clouds gathering overhead. Baekhyun shivered slightly as they walked further away from the academy, his t-shirt and light jacket not enough to protect him from the nip of the evening air. His mind irritatingly supplied that the coat his mother had gotten him would have been warmer. But he had hung that in his closet the second he’d come from the appointment and hadn’t touched it since. 

“Where are we going?” Baekhyun wondered aloud as Chanyeol slowed down. 

“You’ll see in a bit. I just need to get one thing first.” 

Chanyeol pulled out his phone, dialing a number and turning slightly away from Baekhyun as he spoke into it. 

After a few more minutes of silence, a car pulled up next to them. A young man got out of it, hair impossibly sleek and simple white shirt and jeans looking vogue. In his arms he held a tiny ball of black fur. 

Baekhyun squealed before he could help himself, reaching out to grab the little dog. Chanyeol chuckled behind him, a beautiful sound. 

“Thanks for bringing him, Sehunnie. Baek here was having a bad day. And what better cure than Toben cuddles?”

“Ah, so this is Baekhyun. Now I see why you made it sound so urgent.”

Baekhyun looked up from his bundle of puppy at the words, clearly confused. 

“He can’t stop talking about you,” Sehun answered Baekhyun’s unasked question.

“That’s not- that’s not true! I talk about all my students at home!” Chanyeol whined. There was the most delightful red tinge to his large ears.

Baekhyun hid his face in the dog’s curls to hide his blush. Chanyeol talked about him to his friends? The idea was novel, unfathomable. 

“Sure, hyung. Anyway, it looks like it’s going to rain so try to stay indoors. I’ll see you at home.” 

“Oh, don’t worry. I have a plan. Thanks again.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just buy dinner and we’re all even,” Sehun replied cheekily. “It was nice to finally meet you, Baekhyun.” 

Baekhyun barely got out his “you too” before Sehun zoomed off.

Chanyeol clapped him on the back. “He’s not great with strangers, but he’s a really good kid.”

Baekhyun smiled, Chanyeol never said one bad thing about anyone in his life. He wondered how it would feel to live like that, with unadulterated love for everyone, to receive that same love back. 

“Baekhyun! You need to stop zoning out. We’re crossing the road.”

Baekhyun could only laugh, this was all so sudden, he didn’t even know what to make of it. 

With a huff, Chanyeol pulled one of his hands away from Toben’s fur and tangled their fingers, guiding him along till they had crossed the busy road together. Baekhyun let his fingers go slack, expecting Chanyeol to let go of them once they’d crossed to the other side. But he only held more firmly, causing tingles to shoot up Baekhyun’s wrist. 

“Can’t have you wandering away from me, you have my dog,” Chanyeol explained bluntly, tugging Baekhyun forward. 

Baekhyun’s smile felt permanently etched on his face, straining his cheeks. 

By the time they reached the small pavilion in the middle of the isolated park, the first few drops of rain had already started falling. The park itself was unremarkable, an afterthought in an area surrounded by high rises. But the little pavilion looked like something out of a fairytale. It was lavender hued, wear and weather softening the stone until it was smooth under Baekhyun’s hands as he ran them over the columns. 

Toben was running around in excited circles, yipping and barking to get Baekhyun’s attention. Baekhyun chuckled as he knelt down and let the dog scamper all around him. The puppy finally stopped in front of him, paws on his knees, just looking at him with his tongue peeking out. 

Baekhyun felt his heart melting as he looked into those mischievous dark eyes, he scooped the dog into his arms, nuzzling into his fur, cooing at him. 

He had been a mess ever since he’d come back from the appointment; the car ride had felt excruciatingly long. Wordless silence only punctuated with his mother’s poorly masked sniffles. He’d locked himself in his room and tried to get a bearing of his future. He’d played Tchaikovsky until the desolate notes had wrapped around him like chains, cutting, amplifying his pain with each soaring crest and fall. 

He didn’t know why he did this, listening to sad music when he was already in pain, pushing himself deeper into despair until it burst in salty tears and desperate whimpers, sobs racking his body until he couldn’t breathe. 

He knew Jongdae was worried, he ignored Seulgi’s calls, refused meals. He didn’t know how to tell them to leave him alone, that it would be better for the pain to fester inside him. 

But now, with Toben in his arms, the little thing practically vibrating with the restraint of being held and Chanyeol’s scent and smiles all around him, Baekhyun felt like he could **breathe** again. He looked up from his perch on the ground at Chanyeol; he was smiling down at his phone but looked up when he felt Baekhyun’s gaze on him. 

“Sorry, that was Wendy.”

He left his seat and came to sit cross legged next to Baekhyun, pulling a couple of chew toys out of the pockets of his oversized hoodie. Toben began barking loudly, excitedly wriggling out of Baekhyun’s grip. 

He let the puppy go with a soft laugh, sitting back to look at Chanyeol play with him. He refused to think about the smile on Chanyeol’s face as he talked to Wendy, it was not his place and certainly not his claim.

“Tobennie here is a genius, Baek,” Chanyeol announced as he took a small treat out and held it to the dog. “Come on baby, show Baekhyun hyung how smart you are.” 

Baekhyun watched on as Chanyeol slowly exchanged the treat from his right hand to his left before swapping it back and holding out closed fists to Toben. The dog yipped excitedly and picked the wrong hand before looking up at Chanyeol, eyes full of accusation. 

Baekhyun covered his mouth with his hand to stifle the laugh, Chanyeol’s ears were burning red as he looked at him out of the corner of his eyes before focusing it back on Toben. 

“Ah, yes! You should never do it right away, you must build tension. Very good boy!” 

Chanyeol fed the dog the first treat and gave him a few pets. 

“Okay, now for real. Sit. Stay. Good boy! Now where’s the treat?” 

Baekhyun couldn’t help but laugh this time, not when he could clearly hear Chanyeol muttering “left, left, left, you dumb dog I am even holding it higher” under his breath. 

Toben turned to him at the sound, abandoning Chanyeol’s outstretched hands altogether to run to Baekhyun instead. He couldn’t catch his breath from laughing too hard, he flopped onto his back, holding his side as he nearly pulled muscle from the loud guffaws. Toben scampered over to his face, licking wherever he could reach, delighted at having a friend so willing to play. 

Chanyeol stood up suddenly and Baekhyun panicked for a split second as he disappeared from his vision. Had he perhaps offended him in some way? Maybe he shouldn’t have laughed.  
He struggled into a sitting position, pulling Toben on to his lap. Chanyeol had returned, having pulled his guitar out of its case. He came to sit next to Baekhyun, close enough to have their knees touching. 

Baekhyun felt like his body was filled with luminescence, as though rays of light were blazing through the cracks of his soul, creating an aura around the three of them as they sat in the center of a lavender pavilion with rain drumming down on them. 

Chanyeol didn’t speak, starting up a cheerful tune, fingers nimble as they flitted across the strings. 

“Perfect? By Sheeran? I’m surprised, teacher Park.”

“Hey I listen to a lot of English music, okay?” Chanyeol bragged, clearly flustered. 

“I prefer Hearts Don’t Break Around Here.” 

Chanyeol looked over at him quickly before bowing his head, eyebrows scrunched together adorably as he tried to play the tune by memory alone. Some notes were wrong, but the song was obvious. 

With his heart hammering away somewhere in his throat, Baekhyun took a deep breath and started singing softly. This time Chanyeol whipped his head too fast to look at him, eyes wide and lips stretched into a smile too big for his face. 

Baekhyun closed his eyes, he wouldn’t be able to go on with Chanyeol looking at him like that, glance far too focused. He sang the entire song, his accent lilting the words, making them softer. Chanyeol tried his best but every once in a while the wrong note would screech out and Baekhyun would giggle at Chanyeol’s whispered curse. 

He opened his eyes as Chanyeol ended the song with a little freestyle, cheeks flushed and glowing. Happiness was gloomy afternoons with rain beating a melody against the cracked sidewalks. Happiness was having a puppy curled in your lap, tuckered out and snoring softly after playing with you. It was a too kind man who looked past flaws, who conjured magic and joy with his dimpled smile and heart of gold. 

Happiness was having a song in your heart, and after an eternity, finding someone who could hear it. 

The ice cream tasted sweeter than usual on his tongue as they walked to the train station. Chanyeol had insisted on buying him a cone when Baekhyun had turned down dinner because Jongdae was cooking for him at home. 

“I shouldn’t really be keeping Toben with me, I’m allergic. But I just love animals too much to stay away,” Chanyeol explained as they reached their destination. They’d spent the past two hours talking about all the silly little things they didn’t get time for during their classes. 

Baekhyun hunkered down to scoop the puppy up, missing him already. The afternoon had been a dream, but something was niggling at him, a question at the edge of his tongue. And before he could stop himself it burst out. 

“Chanyeol?”

“Hmm?”

“Would you- this afternoon...Would you have done this for any student of yours?” Baekhyun felt mild nausea rising up his chest, utter mortification of having asked such an indirectly direct question. 

Chanyeol took his time to answer, finishing his own ice cream and gently pulling Toben away from his arms. 

“Maybe. I’m not sure, to be completely honest. I just don’t like seeing people unhappy.”

Baekhyun looked up and nodded, deflated.

“And let’s just say I especially hate seeing you unhappy. Take care Baekhyunnie. I’ll see you Saturday.” 

Baekhyun felt his whole body tense as Chanyeol leaned forward, his arms lifting of their own accord. But before they could touch, Chanyeol jerked back, red burning across his cheeks. He shrugged awkwardly, hands twisting themselves in Toben’s leash. 

“Right. Well, be safe and tell Jongdae to text me when you get home,” he huffed out before walking backwards, away from Baekhyun. 

Baekhyun smiled throughout the train journey, the phantom heat of Chanyeol’s breath against his face setting his veins ablaze.

—o—o—o—

The months went by in a relative blur. The heat and humidity of summer gave way to chilly autumn. The lush green leaves fell away, dried and brittle, to be trodden on by busy Seoulites who couldn’t care less about the passage of time.

Baekhyun became increasingly optimistic, slowly shrugging off his cloak of misery and seeking company and comfort out of his own accord. Jongdae was more than happy about the change, whisking Baekhyun away to parties, even coercing him into a short trip to Jeju. 

Baekhyun had loved the beach. The sounds of waves gently lapping at the shore became his nightly lullaby. He reveled in the calm atmosphere where no rules applied. He spent the days sipping on fruity margaritas and laying in the sun, afternoons chasing Jongdae in the water and doing backflips off each other’s shoulders. 

His appearance had changed too. Skin sun kissed and hair longer, some strands bleached a lighter brown. He ran his hands through them now, smiling at himself in the mirror. He had his music class in half an hour and had to leave immediately to catch his usual train. 

An involuntary noise escaped him, a squeak of excitement at the prospect of seeing Chanyeol. Even though he felt everything had changed, the one thing that was steadfast was his adoration, his infallible infatuation with his piano teacher. 

Chanyeol had started coming around to their house more often. Citing Jongdae as the reason but spending most of the time with Baekhyun, gawking over his video games and bringing his own to show him. Jongdae gave them a lot of space, not failing to notice how Baekhyun’s skin was flushed a permanent pink when Chanyeol was around, his smile bright enough to light up their entire apartment. 

Baekhyun had gotten used to Chanyeol. He never cowered away from his touches now, he even gathered up the courage to occasionally run a hand across a strong arm or place it on a defined shoulder when Chanyeol made a particularly funny joke. Wendy was never mentioned and even though Baekhyun would’ve given _anything_ to gain some clarity on the matter, in the end he was just too afraid. He wouldn’t be able to take the truth, not when he’d given his heart away, when it was held securely in Chanyeol’s gentle hands. 

Chanyeol had given him his number because according to him, Jongdae couldn’t be trusted to let him know when Baekhyun reached home. What had started off as simple two reply conversations, “I just reached,” “Great! See you soon,” had grown, flourished. Watered by Baekhyun’s delight and admiration, coaxed into something more by his diligent replies which were effortlessly funny and smart. They talked for hours at a time, so much so that Baekhyun found a million things each day that reminded him of Chanyeol. A puppy peeing on a hydrant, a bbq place that he _knew_ Chanyeol would love, a cloud that looked just like Toben if you squinted enough. 

But there was one thing he’d kept from him. The one secret Baekhyun hadn’t told anyone, not even Jongdae. At the end of this week he’d be getting his first stem cell injection, meaning the next time he saw Chanyeol, he might get to actually _see_ him. He felt giddy at the mere thought of it, bringing his hands up to gently tap his cheeks, trying to will away the maniacal smile. 

It had been a difficult time, he’d had nearly ten appointments with Dr Kim before they’d set up a date for the first trial. His mother had stopped attending after the first one. Dr Kim had repeatedly warned him that he might not get the results he wanted, that nothing at all could change. But Baekhyun had a feeling, a spring of hope in the deepest part of his twisted psyche, a feeling of surety stronger than he’d ever felt. This was going to happen. 

The music academy appeared before him, still towering in its glass majesty, but not as intimidating as it once was. Baekhyun’s heart was so light, he felt like he could float right away, a balloon someone had cut loose. Something that shouldn’t be in the sky but brought a small smile to a passerby’s face at the serendipity, even if somewhere else, someone is mourning the loss. 

Baekhyun wasn’t one to hop, his shoulders were often drooped, feet shuffling instead of stepping. But when he greeted Jongin and Kyungsoo at the reception and made his way to his classroom, there was a definite spring in his step. He threw open the door, Chanyeol’s name on his tongue, and felt his heart lurch to his feet at the scene in front of him. 

They were embracing, that much he could make out without difficulty. There was no other reason for two bodies to be melded so close. There was a resounding wet smack as they both pulled back on hearing the door slam open, arms still locked loosely around each other. 

Wendy recovered first, pushing away from Chanyeol and gathering her long hair to one side, hands fluttering down to adjust her skirt. Baekhyun could only see the sparkly ballet flats on her feet, he could not raise his head and look at Chanyeol right now, he knew he’d break immediately. 

Pain was throbbing in his chest, pushing his heart against his ribs, strong enough to bruise. His silly fantasies, his delusions, vanishing like so much smoke from a snuffed candle.  
He stepped back, hands useless at his sides, legs stiff and locked, eyes brimming with loss. 

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know-“

“Baekhyun, wait!”

It was Chanyeol’s voice, he heard it over his shoulder as he ran as fast as he could to the bathroom, tears making his weakened vision nearly obsolete. He almost went sprawling onto the carpeted floor but caught himself at the last moment. He didn’t need Kyungsoo or Jongin hearing and coming to find him. Not like this. 

He barely got the lock on the bathroom stall in place before he turned to the toilet and vomited, bile burning it’s way up his throat. He heaved, dry gags that felt like his vocal cords were ripping in two. But his stomach was roiling, he had to ease the pain.

After what felt like eons, his body quietened, letting him have his peace. He reached out on shaking legs to flush the toilet, grabbing paper towels to clean himself up. The porcelain felt cool against his damp forehead when he leaned for comfort, he took his time to catch his breath. Once he felt like a semblance of himself, he rose and stepped out of the stall. 

The mirrors above the counter of sinks were spotless, showing him his ghostly reflection without error. He couldn’t breathe, his body seemingly shutting down to avoid what was right in front of his futile eyes: Chanyeol was never his to begin with. No matter how much he had yearned, hoped, it simply wasn’t in his cards. 

He splashed water on his face, wiping at his eyes and nose. He looked like a mess, there was no denying it, but there was nothing more he could do. He forced air into his lungs, and held his head high when he walked back into the classroom. 

Chanyeol was alone, sitting at the piano, slouched over and dejected. Baekhyun conjured a smile from the deepest recesses of his resolve. 

“I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Chanyeol turned with a spasm, face twisted in concern, and something else Baekhyun didn’t have the courage to put a name to. 

“It’s okay. We were just-“ Chanyeol closed his mouth, not being able to explain what Baekhyun had seen so blatantly. 

“Examining each other's tonsils?” 

Baekhyun didn’t know where the humor came from, or how his voice managed to be steady and just a little smug. He waited with bated breath for Chanyeol’s response. 

His face twitched for a second, expressions warring with each other before he huffed out a small laugh. 

Baekhyun let out a sigh of relief and sat down on the piano bench, making sure he was as far from Chanyeol as he possibly could be. He could _feel_ Chanyeol struggling beside him, he clearly wanted to say more but Baekhyun did not want to hear flimsy excuses or half hearted attempts to make him feel better. 

He’d never made it obvious to Chanyeol that he was attracted to him, craved him in any way he could get him, but he had laid it all out in a moment of weakness. There was no other explanation for his reaction, for the redness in his eyes and the way his voice came out clogged with ill suppressed emotion. 

“Baek-“

“I have a group study session today so I have to leave early. So, I’ll just start, okay?”

Chanyeol didn’t bother with a response. He nodded his head meekly and placed his hands on his lap trying to make himself as small and inconspicuous as possible. 

There were no words exchanged. Baekhyun played Beethoven’s Piano Sonata, knowing the melody by heart from listening to it every night. The notes were haunting, the melancholy swirling around the room. 

Two men sat together, close but miles apart. Unaware of what hid beneath easy trust and playful touches. Wanting, needing, to say so much but afraid for so many reasons. A heart sodden with love, hesitant after years of succumbing to disappointment but beating still, fighting. Another afraid, so afraid of what this burning desire meant, the urge to hold close, to cherish, creating a fear like he’s never known. 

The song came to an end, the last note barely heard over Baekhyun’s exhale. He opened his eyes, catching the end of Chanyeol’s full body shudder in the corner of his vision.  
He wanted Chanyeol to speak, to praise him like he usually did. Without realizing it he had finished the entire piece without a single error, the first time he’d accomplished it. 

But his teacher, the man of his most fervent adoration, remained silent. Baekhyun looked over, Chanyeol had his head bent, fingers curled into fists on his lap. After minutes of forced silence, Baekhyun stood and made his way to the door. He looked back one last time, hand on the knob, heart twisting, rending in two. 

The door made a soft click as it closed, and Chanyeol let out the first whimpering sob.

—o—o—o—

The lights above him were too bright, blinding. Sounds came to him slowly, muffled and discordant. He could faintly make out Dr Kim hovering above him, murmuring words of reassurance.

He was strapped down but he wouldn’t have moved anyway, not when he wanted this so badly. Without warning, the needle came into view and Baekhyun gasped involuntarily. It was massive and pointed directly at his eye. He knew a local anesthetic was administered, he wouldn’t be able to feel a thing. But just the thought of such a sharp object piercing his eyeball had his hand flailing out. He had come alone, pride keeping him from asking anyone to accompany him.  
The needle started moving closer, machine whirring ominously, paralyzing Baekhyun in fear.  
Before he could fully panic, a warm hand slipped into his, holding tight. Baekhyun couldn’t turn his head, but he knew it was Dr Junmyeon. 

He squeezed back. 

The needle hit the surface of his eye. 

And then there was darkness.

—o—o—o—

Baekhyun opened his eyes slowly, there was still a slight sting. But it was the last day he had to wear his dark glasses and stay indoors. Jongdae had gone off to grab beers and fried chicken, insisting on a celebration.

He sat up, hands sliding across his bed side table until he found his eye drops and glasses. He’d been spending his medical leave from university mostly on his bed, sleeping until he got hungry, watching something on his laptop till he fell asleep again, an endless loop of inactivity. 

He kept his laptop on constantly, the chatter from the sitcoms proving essential to his peace of mind. Because in silence, he _yearned_. He missed Chanyeol like he had lost a vital organ, a tall, goofy, piano teacher shaped hole in his heart. 

He missed the cadence of his voice, deep enough to pierce his very core, gentle enough to be the softest lullaby. He missed how sometimes Chanyeol would laugh out loud, voice rising in his excitement. And sometimes he’d lean close, lips almost at the shell of his ear, whispering secrets like they were in their very own private universe, not a care for anyone else. 

Baekhyun shuddered away the thoughts, utterly futile as they were. He could not wallow in his despair, he was a whole new man now. 

With a sudden giddy smile he whipped off his glasses, gasping softly when he looked out and saw his bedroom clearly. The central haze that almost took up his entire vision, now only pinpoint. 

He still remembered how he had burst into tears the second Dr Kim had taken off his gauze dressing, how he’d hugged the older man tight, thanking him in every language he knew. The doctor had been almost as happy as him, ecstatic over years of research coming to fruition with the added sweetness of making this gentle boy so happy. 

He had called Jongdae, sobbing, and when his friend had burst through the clinic door, face frantic, Baekhyun had tackled him to the ground. 

“I can see you Jongdae! I can finally _see_ you!” 

Jongdae had smacked him upside the head for giving him the fright of a lifetime before he had hugged him back. He had tucked his head into Baekhyun’s neck to hide his own happy tears. Baekhyun had been akin to an excited puppy the entire car ride, sticking his head out the window and staring bright eyed at every little thing on the streets. 

He’d been in a constant state of elation ever since. He heard Jongdae’s keys jingle as he made his way out of his bedroom. His friend had his hands loaded with plastic bags. They sat down on their living room floor, the smell of fried chicken, greasy and spicy, perfect and comforting. 

Baekhyun was two beers in, hands slipping just slightly on the oily chicken bones. He had his face resting on his cupped clean hand, gazing at Jongdae.

“Baek, stop staring,” Jongdae whined, covering his face. 

Baekhyun giggled, leaning forward to pull his hands away. 

“You’re very pretty Jongdae-yah. Come on, let me appreciate you. In a few days I’ll probably start to realize you’re actually ugly.” 

“Hey! How dare you! I’m gorgeous. Look at my cheekbones, my pretty eyes.” Jongdae’s voice was loud and at the edge of slurring. 

Baekhyun just smiled in response, before crawling over to snuggle into his friend. Jongdae’s hands immediately came to rest on his hair, stroking gently as they sat in silence. 

“Did you tell Seul yet?” Jongdae asked after a few moments had passed. 

“She hasn’t been online much. I’ll surprise her when I go back to school next week.”

Seulgi’s radio silence had been troubling him but he knew she sometimes took time off from social media when she was feeling anxious or low. He couldn’t wait to see her reaction when he told her on Monday. 

“And what about Chanyeol?”

Baekhyun cuddled closer to hide his shock at the sudden question. He didn’t think Jongdae would bring him up, especially not when he himself hadn’t talked about Chanyeol once since his last class almost two weeks ago. Jongin had called after he had missed his first one, but had accepted Baekhyun’s explanation about a medical leave. 

Chanyeol though, hadn’t made any contact at all.

He had been debating about going this Saturday, fearing for his heart. He’d so recently gained this small spark of happiness, he didn’t want to face Chanyeol and have him look at Wendy. Teach him to play with the softest voice and laughter in his eyes but leave the academy with someone else. 

But when all was said and done, Baekhyun was a weak man. He missed him too much, needed to hear Chanyeol sing under his breath, needed to see his big almond eyes, so delightfully expressive. Needed to feel the heat of his body as they sat on the same piano bench, just a hair’s breadth apart.

—o—o—o—

Kyungsoo held him tight, swaying from side to side as Jongin jumped up and down beside them.

“This is such great news Baekhyunnie! We’re so happy for you!” Jongin had enthused as soon as Baekhyun had told them. 

Baekhyun returned their embrace, taking his time to note all the features he’d missed. Kyungsoo’s lips were almost heart shaped, his entire face changing from somber to luminescent when he smiled. Jongin, well Jongin was breathtaking, the kind of beauty Baekhyun had only seen in magazines and movies. And then he’d laugh, high pitched and terribly annoying and the shift to someone similar to teddy bear was instantaneous. 

He stood and chatted with them for minutes more, adoring his friends, but he also knew he was trying to put off the inevitable. He felt the pull from his classroom, as if there were invisible strings connecting him to Chanyeol now that he was so close. Jongin seemed to sense his inner turmoil, as always. 

“He’s missed you.”

It was enough for Baekhyun to swivel around, feet taking him to the room in no time at all. When he opened the door he felt a wave of deja vu. Just like on his first day at the academy, Chanyeol was at the piano bench, bathed in light and looking ethereal. He wasn’t playing the piano, though. Instead, he held a violin in his hands. 

The notes were heartbreakingly raw, surging up to the wooden beams in wails of pain. Each one seemed to be wrenched out, Chanyeol’s hands so graceful, face a picture of concentration. His eyes were closed, immersed in the piece. Baekhyun watched, enraptured, as Chanyeol’s muscular body moved with all the grace of a _premier danseur_. His body pitched forward and back with each draw of the bow, lost in the sorrow of the song. 

Baekhyun’s eyes had teared up without his realization, the terribly morose chords breaking his healing heart anew. He didn’t have time to compose himself before the notes crescendoed to an end, Chanyeol’s eyes open and on him in an instant. 

There was silence, stretched out, as they watched each other. 

“Baekhyun?” Chanyeol’s voice cracked, splitting his name into two. 

He wasn’t supposed to look so relieved, so hopeful. Baekhyun cursed him in his head, he wasn’t supposed to look like his favorite person had come back. Not when Baekhyun was hopelessly in love and Chanyeol was with someone else. 

He walked over to the piano stiffly, loosening his fists. Chanyeol held the violin in front of him, a barrier. Baekhyun scoffed internally, as if he had any ammunition against this man. 

“That was a beautiful piece,” he began, hoping to ease some normalcy into this situation. 

“I- yes, thank you. It’s Albinoni’s Adagio in G minor, I could teach you if you like,” Chanyeol stuttered through his words, still very much unsure. 

“I’d like that. I’m sorry I missed my classes. I was...having a procedure done.” 

“Are you okay? Your eyes- are they?” 

The response was instantaneous, deep tenor spiked through with panic, a hand on his shoulder, unbearably warm. 

Baekhyun shrugged it off, he felt Chanyeol’s flinch as a barb straight to his battered heart. 

There was another horribly awkward silence while Chanyeol processed what just happened. He schooled his features into blankness, placing the violin back on his shoulder. 

“Since you’ve mastered slightly complicated songs, let’s switch it up. We’ll play Bach’s violin concerto with piano accompaniment. Start slow and we’ll see how it goes,” Chanyeol instructed. 

Baekhyun sensed the change in Chanyeol’s demeanor as an acute loss. There was no warmth, no encouragement or teasing. Is this how he talked to students usually? Could it be that he had been treated differently from the start? 

Baekhyun placed his fingers on the ivory, fingers hesitant for the first time in months. He looked up at the sheet music, playing the first few notes, Chanyeol entering soon after.  
Within a few seconds Baekhyun faltered, the wrong note jarring loudly in the quiet of the room. 

He muttered a curse and started from the beginning, only to make a mistake even sooner this time. 

“It’s okay. Keep at it,” Chanyeol’s voice held the slightest bit of his usual tenderness. 

Baekhyun grit his teeth, laser focused and still managed to make a mistake after just a few minutes of playing. They were disastrously out of sync, which was never the case. Chanyeol had started doing duets with him a few weeks ago and they always played in perfect tandem, harmonious and beautiful. 

Baekhyun grew more frustrated with each passing second, he didn’t know when his jealousy and sadness had manifested into anger, but he couldn’t be this close to Chanyeol, breathing in his scent and listening to his gentle encouragement without feeling a sudden fury lance through him. 

After the umpteenth mistake, not even having gone through half the song, Baekhyun slammed the lid closed.

“Fuck this! I’m done. I’m done for the day.”

Chanyeol put his violin and bow down, taking his time to face Baekhyun, a muscle jumping dangerously in his cheek. 

“Baekhyun. You can’t just slam the piano lid like that. What the hell has gotten into you?”

“Nothing. Nothing has gotten into me. I’m- I think I’m going to go.” 

But he didn’t move, they sat there, eyes locked. Baekhyun thought back to his plans for today, before everything had crumbled to dust, how he would tell Chanyeol that he could finally see him in all his perfect, breathtaking beauty. The shape of his nose, strong and aquiline, his bone structure, royal, made for the face of a king. The way his face looked years younger when he had his dark hair down and the allure of a model when he styled it up. 

Baekhyun’s chest burned with the unsaid words, he wanted so desperately to reach out. But he couldn’t, not when pride held him back, and an all consuming fear locked him in place. 

The silence stretched on for minutes, tense, unbearable. 

“I’m not with Wendy anymore.” 

The words were whispered, but they went off like gunshots in his head. Why was Chanyeol saying this, why now? Was it true? Did it mean what he thought it meant?

“Do you want to take a walk?”

—o—o—o—

Fall was slowly giving way to winter, the air held a hint of chill, turning Baekhyun’s cheeks a bright red. He could feel Chanyeol looking at him, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.  
Unlike Chanyeol, who was snug in a big coat and knit scarf, Baekhyun was shaking in his thin jacket, ears exposed to the cold.

They’d walked all the way around the block, not exchanging a word. But Baekhyun felt like he could breathe easier outside, he wasn’t being suffocated in the room where he’d seen something he never wanted to see. 

It was around their second turn around that Baekhyun finally snapped, sick of the silence. “I’m sorry, okay? I was being a brat back there. It won’t happen again.” 

Chanyeol didn’t reply immediately, instead shuffling slightly closer, their hands now brushing with every step. “I’m not mad at you. It’s fine to show emotion, Baekhyun.”

“I didn’t think you were mad at me,” Baekhyun retorted, just to get a rise out of his teacher. 

“I was though. You _were_ being a brat. I was worried about you, scared that you- I was just,” Chanyeol broke off, running a hand through his hair, frustration evident. 

“You didn’t even try Chanyeol, not even a text.” Baekhyun’s voice was so small. 

“I know, I know that.” Chanyeol quickly stepped forward, turning so they were face to face. “I want to tell you why, explain things. But I’m scared.” 

Baekhyun’s pulse was bounding, heart ricocheting in his chest. It was too silly to hope again, he couldn’t keep losing this pointless battle. 

“I had the injection. It worked. I can...I can see you Chanyeol,” he breathed out. 

Chanyeol took a half step back, eyes wide, before he leaned forward and grabbed both of Baekhyun’s hands in his. “Are you serious? Oh my god Baekhyun! That’s such great news. I’m so happy for you. I’m so- wow. Wow Baek, that’s so great.” 

Baekhyun smiled as he watched Chanyeol stumble and stutter through the words, excitement making him nearly incoherent. “I know. I wanted to tell you. You were the first person I wanted to tell.”

He didn’t know what force was making him confess everything now, lay his dreams and desires bare when there was every possibility they’d be trampled on again. He chanced a look at Chanyeol and his next breath got caught in his lungs at the expression gazing back at him.

Chanyeol looked so fond, eyes ablaze with something fierce, vital. Baekhyun realised belatedly that his hands were still in Chanyeol’s, a big thumb rubbing circles over it. 

“I messed this all up didn’t I?” 

Baekhyun traced the blush on Chanyeol’s face with his eyes, glorying in how it crossed the span of his cheekbones, setting his ears aflame. Even his lips were cherry red from how much he’d gnawed on it during their little sojourn.  
He looked like a mirage, something outside reality, precious and perfect and Baekhyun _wanted_. 

“What are you trying to say, Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol loosened his hold on his hands, reaching up to untie his scarf. Baekhyun stood with bated breath as he felt the soft wool wrap around his own neck, Chanyeol’s fingertips featherlight against his skin. 

“I’m sorry for not realizing it earlier. But I’m here now,” Chanyeol whispered, even though there was no need to. 

Baekhyun shivered from the promise the words held, he didn’t want to delve into hidden meanings or euphemisms. He didn’t have the confidence to think about happily ever afters. All his life he’d learned that more often than not, he got the short end of the stick. 

Chanyeol was a miracle. Chanyeol was all his fantasies filtered to their purest form, an avarice so strong it broke him from the inside out. Chanyeol had lit a spark in him when there was only darkness, had tended to it with his musical fingers and his gracious heart. Now it blazed through Baekhyun, engulfing him until all he saw was Chanyeol. All he wanted was Chanyeol. 

“Are you going to stay?”

“Until you ask me to leave.”

Baekhyun got the last seat on the crowded train home, squashed next to the window. The heat emanating from so many bodies cramped into a small space made him thankful for his thin jacket. He unwinded the scarf from his neck, immediately surrounded by Chanyeol’s scent, bergamot and vanilla.  
An ache settled deep in his gut, even as his stubborn heart took flight.

—o—o—o—


	3. Part III

“I have learned that miracles are only called miracles because they are often witnessed by only those who can see through all of life's illusions.” - Suzy Kassem

The sound of glass crashing against the wall was hideously loud in the small house, shouts and curses following immediately after. Chanyeol pulled his knees up to his chest, the place behind his bed smelled musty, dust irritating his eyes, but it offered a strange comfort. 

He would’ve preferred to have his dog by his side, but the old Labrador couldn’t climb the stairs to his room anymore. Chanyeol huddled further into himself as his mother’s loud wails reached his ears, small hands fisting the material of his uniform. 

He had just gotten home from school, thrilled that they’d let all the third graders go home early to make space for the annual play rehearsals. He’d bounded up their steps, ready to ask his mom to make him a snack when he almost got knocked over by the door that slammed open. His sister Yoora had ran past him, hands wiping at her face, so distraught she didn’t even notice little Chanyeol peering up at her in confusion.

His mother had grabbed him as soon as he stepped into the house, lifting him up and almost pushing him towards his father, who had tears streaming down his face. 

“Look at your son! Look him in the face and tell him the truth. You’re disgusting! How will he be able to accept you as a father?”

“Junghee please, not in front of Chanyeol,” his father had pleaded. 

He squirmed in his mother’s hold, not understanding what was happening but not wanting to be in the same room when his parents were fighting and crying. 

But his mother only held him tighter, sobs shaking through her. “After all these years Sung-jin, after two children, how could you do this to me?”

Chanyeol’s father had stepped forward then and his mother stumbled back, slipping and falling to the couch. Chanyeol took the opportunity to wriggle free, running to his bedroom and closing the door behind him. 

The fight went on for hours, words like Chanyeol had never heard in his short lifetime being screamed. He had curled into himself deeper with every loud crash and shout. When Yoora found him, he had been asleep, tears drying on his cheeks. 

His big sister had pulled him into her arms, gently shaking him awake until she could feed him small spoonfuls of rice and soup. He couldn’t even remember chewing, laying in her arms, suddenly exhausted. 

“Noona, are mom and dad okay? I saw daddy crying.”

“Chanyeollie, dad is going to visit his family for some time okay? He wanted to say goodbye but his train was about to leave.”

“Will he be back soon?”

“Yes of course, and he’ll bring you lots of presents! And until then you, me and mom will have fun right?”

Chanyeol remembered immediately forgetting all the tumult that had occurred at the prospect of presents, giggling and squishing Yoora’s cheeks together in his giddiness. 

His father hadn’t come back though. Weeks passed into months, his mother stopped going to work, spending her days with bright green bottles that he wasn’t allowed to touch. Yoora stayed home, cooking and cleaning and trying to protect Chanyeol as much as she could, turning him away from the fact that their family was broken, severed. 

It wasn’t until years later that he found out what had happened. AA meetings and a therapist brought his mother back to him and on the eve of his elementary school graduation, she had sat him down and explained that his father was living on the other side of the town, with a man. She told him that he had the right to want to visit him, but that she would never look into her husband’s face again. 

Chanyeol had grown up quickly, no longer the chubby cheeked boy who had always wanted to sleep in between both his parents in their bed, holding each of their hands in his. He’d watched his mother raise him on her own, even though she had spent the first few years deep inside a bottle, she rallied for her two children, facing the pity and condescension of their family and friends head on. 

He had made up his mind to never see his father again, too young and too angry about the betrayal of being left behind. And while many others in his place would have become abrasive and directionless, Chanyeol had continued to be gentle, cherishing all his relationships and always wanting to go above and beyond for those he loved. 

But the night after his mother had finally told him the reason for the upheaval of their lives, Chanyeol couldn’t sleep. He had known his father had left them, had assumed he’d gotten married to another woman by now. But a man, that was so out of his realm of understanding. How could his father have been gay and married to his mother? How could he have loved her and given her two children when all along he was a completely different person. Had he ever loved his mother at all? 

So his father was gay. He liked men. He hid that part of himself for years and when it finally came out, it spread like rot through their lives, darkening and putrefying everything it touched. Chanyeol felt a cold sweat break out all over his body. He remembered all the times his eyes had slipped past the pretty girls trying to talk to him to the toned, athletic bodies of his friends. How he’d once been entranced by the sight of water dripping off a muscular, flat chest, trailing the drop that disappeared into the swim trunks of his best friend. 

Lying in bed remembering his father, he felt disgusting, depraved. Was he like him? Would he eventually cause everyone who loved him to push away from him in revulsion? It was a heavy thought for a fourteen year old to fathom, fear clawing at him, suffocating him. 

A vow was made. He would never hurt his mother like his father did, he would never give into this revolting part of him. He would continue to be the person he always was, compassionate and giving, but his heart would have to be locked away. A father’s sin. 

Love was out of his reach, not meant for him and his lascivious thoughts, they weren’t right, they were hideous and vile and **wrong**. And Chanyeol would not let it fester in him and destroy him like it did his father.

—o—o—o—

Baekhyun was squirming in his seat, hands clasping and unclasping. The bus was empty, not too many passengers wanting to go places on a Tuesday afternoon. The class was suddenly scheduled, Jongin had called to let him know and there was definitely mischief in his voice. Chanyeol hadn’t made any contact since their last time together and Baekhyun was beside himself with anxiety.

Was it all in his head? Did he conjure the whole thing up from the fragments of his fantasies? It felt too untenable for Park Chanyeol to have confessed something to him, to return even an ounce of his own feelings. 

Before he could mull on it for longer, the bus came to a stop in front of the academy. He picked up his backpack, the absence of his walking stick and glasses wonderfully obvious, and stepped down. The reception area was unusually quiet, Baekhyun strained his ears to hear for Jongin or Kyungsoo. Instead the happy notes of a violin called to him and he followed it to where he knew Chanyeol would be. 

Chanyeol put the instrument down the second Baekhyun clicked the door open, a smile blooming big and beatific on his face. 

“You came!” He enthused once Baekhyun reached close enough to the piano at the center of the room. 

“I thought this was a class? Where is everybody?”

Chanyeol had the grace to look sheepish, hand coming up to scratch the back of his neck. “We don’t usually operate on Tuesdays. But I wanted to see you.”

A laugh was pulled out of Baekhyun, his heart was fizzing with happiness, bubbles of it bursting in front of his eyes. “You could’ve asked me to meet you somewhere else. You didn’t have to keep the academy open just for me.” 

The red of Chanyeol’s ears could rival the ripest of strawberries, the lushest of roses.  
“I didn’t know just **how** forgiven I was. I didn’t want to take any chances.”

Baekhyun could feel his cheeks starting to ache from how much his smile stretched them, he brought both hands to cup them, willing away the blush raging through them. 

Oh what a pair of bumbling fools they were, grinning dopily at each other, eyes sparkling. 

Baekhyun took his seat on the bench, feeling Chanyeol’s warmth all the way from his shoulder to his feet. He lifted the lid and began playing the first came tune that came to him, it was joyful, light. Schubert’s violin sonata in D major. 

Chanyeol came in on the second verse, the more somber sound of the violin blending perfectly with the piano’s lilting notes. It sounded beautiful. Two hearts with one song beating through them. 

After a while Chanyeol put his violin down, focusing on Baekhyun’s playing. He had always been prone to quick touches, but today, it felt different. Every little graze across his skin spoke of something **more**. He whispered compliments right into the swirl of his ear, one hand snug between his shoulder blades. 

Baekhyun felt the heat surging from that solitary hand, warming him through and pulsating to the front of his chest. He kept his mind on the keys he was playing with Herculean strength and heard Chanyeol’s soft chuckle. The man knew exactly what he was doing. 

Chanyeol’s been touching him since the day they’d met, but nothing had ignited a flame like this inside him. The worst part of it all was that Chanyeol **knew** the effect he seemed to have on him. 

“That’s enough for today. Do you want to try your hand at the violin? It’s really fun,” Chanyeol exclaimed suddenly, pulling his hand away. 

Baekhyun took a deep breath, relieved at the loss of contact. His face was flushed from the teasing touches, hands shaking ever so slightly as he turned and accepted the violin and bow. 

Baekhyun should have known something was afoot, but he wasn’t prepared at all when he suddenly felt Chanyeol’s chest against his back. 

“What- what are you doing?”

“Teaching you.”

Baekhyun stifled a gasp as Chanyeol bodily turned him until he was straddling the piano bench, legs on either side of it. A pair of strong arms came around him and held the piano up, the other hand wrapping around Baekhyun’s on the bow. 

“Is this really the best position for teaching?” Baekhyun wavered on every other word. 

He felt Chanyeol’s laugh ghost across his skin, intimate, overwhelming. 

“Trust me. Who’s the professionally trained teacher here?” 

They started with baby steps, Chanyeol moulding Baekhyun’s fingers on the neck of the violin, drawing the bow across the strings. The notes soared up to the ceiling, reminding Baekhyun of hallowed grounds, cathedrals and churches. It was powerful, awakening something in him with how regal the music sounded, orchestral. 

Baekhyun was lost in it, swaying slightly when he felt fingertips trail across his jaw, before grazing down one side of his neck. He shuddered at the sensual touch, hands fumbling on the bow. 

“Just correcting your posture,” Chanyeol’s words dripped like sweet molasses. 

Baekhyun was trembling now, body thrumming with want, for something he couldn’t even put a name to. He closed his eyes, putting the violin down and leaning back till his head was nestled in the crook of Chanyeol’s shoulder. 

“This doesn’t feel like a lesson anymore,” he sounded like he’d been running, breathy, hoarse. 

“I’m just trying out some new techniques. I’m allowed to now aren’t I?” 

Baekhyun couldn’t take it anymore, he was ready to detonate, heat sparking across his veins. He stood up suddenly, needing to catch his breath. 

Chanyeol, the bastard, was grinning from ear to ear, supremely satisfied with himself. Baekhyun narrowed his eyes at him, holding out the bow in accusation. 

“You’re doing it on purpose!” 

Chanyeol rose from the bench, stepping forward until their toes touched, only a breath apart. 

“Doing what?” 

Baekhyun’s heart was thundering violently in his chest. This was a Chanyeol he’d never experienced. His mind spun, how did Wendy handle this? 

It was like a bullet went off in his head, sending him stumbling back. They’d been in this exact spot, the two of them, he’d seen them with his own eyes. The residual hurt spread through this chest, dampening the glow from moments before. 

He looked up to see Chanyeol’s alarmed face. What could he say in his defense? It was his greatest undoing, a crippling lack of self esteem that pervaded every corner of his life. 

Before he could spiral further, Chanyeol had closed the new distance between them, not wasting any more time to cup his face, holding him with all the gentleness in the world. 

“Baekhyun. Look at me. I know what you’re thinking about and I can’t make excuses for that. But you should know, you _need_ to know how I feel right now.” 

It was hard to keep his eyes open, not when unlike before, Baekhyun could make out every brown speck in Chanyeol’s irises. Pick out the individual flecks of guilt, the swirl of pain.  
Instead he let Chanyeol’s voice wash over him, a bass that could hypnotize him. 

“Wendy is an amazing girl. She really liked me.”

Darkness churned in Baekhyun’s stomach, something bitter marring his throat. He reached out with shaking fingers to wrap them around Chanyeol’s waist, drawing himself in until he was ensconced in the cozy heat of a soft hoodie.

“But I- I never felt that way about her. It was just...easier than being alone.” 

Chanyeol’s arms had dropped from his face to circle his waist instead, there wasn’t any space between them anymore. 

“It was easier than pretending I didn’t feel something for you.” 

Baekhyun felt the press of lips to the crown of his head. The first tear slipped past without him realizing. How many times had he imagined this? Confessions and kisses and all the things in between. But even his most ardent prayers paled in comparison to the reality, so tender, it nearly broke his heart. 

“Say something.” 

Baekhyun tightened his hold, reaching up to press a kiss to Chanyeol’s jaw. 

“Thank you, for choosing me. For...seeing me.”

Baekhyun turned his head until his ears were pressed against Chanyeol’s chest, right over his heartbeat. He wanted to memorize the way it sounded right now, the rhythm of it, when he knew it was beating for **him** and him alone.

—o—o—o—

Baekhyun wriggled around to get comfortable, finally finding the right spot. His head was resting on Chanyeol’s lap and even though he could feel the metal of his zipper pressing into his face, Baekhyun was more than satisfied.

The air was cool but the sun had decided to be a good sport, giving them a rare day of perfect temperature and warm sunshine. There hasn’t been much snow this year, so the park stubbornly held on to it’s green. 

How many times had he been in this exact place, his favorite part of the park, the hill overlooking the sparkling lake? How many times had he lain on the grass and let his thoughts drift to Chanyeol?  
And now the man himself was here, carding one hand through Baekhyun’s hair, the other holding the book they were reading aloft. 

His sight was better today than ever before, it was the peak time according to Dr Kim, when all the pluripotent stem cells they had injected would’ve differentiated into retinal epithelial cells, aiding his rods and cones to see better. He could make out each individual blade of grass, the tiny petals of small white flowers that dotted the hill. He could count the creases on the light blue shirt Chanyeol was wearing, from his vantage point he could even see the shadow of his stubble. 

But right now his eyes were shuttered and he was lost in the rise and fall of Chanyeol’s voice as he read the book, about children who found love in the midst of war, whose love transcended violence and despair and came out the other side victorious. Baekhyun loved stories like these. 

Baekhyun was getting drowsy, Chanyeol’s deep bass always had a way of lulling him into comfort. He opened his eyes to see Chanyeol gazing down at him, one corner of his mouth pulled up, dimple deep. Blushing was just the normal state of his skin in Chanyeol’s presence, he was used to his cheeks being suffused with heat at all times. 

“You’re very beautiful.” 

Baekhyun turned till his flaming face was buried in Chanyeol’s stomach, unable to respond. Chanyeol laughed from above him, tucking Baekhyun’s hair behind his ears, continuing down to cup his neck. 

“You never got flustered so easily. Hmm? What was that?”

“I said,” Baekhyun had emerged from his hiding place. “You were never like this before.”

“Like what Baek?”

Baekhyun could hear the smile stretching each syllable of Chanyeol’s words. 

“Why do you keep teasing me?” He demanded. 

“I like seeing you blush like that, knowing it’s for me. We’ve spent too much time not telling each other how we feel, now I can.”

Baekhyun pushed himself up into a sitting position, thinking it was terribly unfair how Chanyeol completely undid him with words alone. 

“How do you feel about me?” He passed off nonchalance but his pulse was stuttering wildly. 

Chanyeol pulled him onto his lap and Baekhyun took a minute to acknowledge that he loved being manhandled this way, arms strong but fingers delicate. 

The sun glinted off Chanyeol’s skin, he was glowing, transcendent. His hair was growing too long, falling over his eyes in random disarray. 

“I like you. I’ve liked you for longer than I let myself accept. There was something about you that I couldn’t get out of my head, no matter how hard I tried.”

Fingertips grazed his wrists before Chanyeol locked their hands together. 

“It would be dramatic to call it fate, not when I specifically mentioned to Jongdae that I was teaching piano at the academy, in case he knew anyone who was interested.” 

Baekhyun was finding it increasingly difficult to draw air into his lungs, heartbeat an erratic thing in his chest. Surely it’s not true? Pretty words for a pretty day, it had to be. There was not one remarkable thing about him to catch someone else’s eye. 

“You...you enchant me Baekhyun. But you’re also scaring me with how quiet you’re being right now,” Chanyeol laughed, nervous and humorless. His own skin was tinged crimson, ears flaming to match. 

“You’re being serious? You mean it?” Baekhyun had to know. To be sure. 

Chanyeol looked affronted, hands coming up to frame his face, something Baekhyun had quickly realized the other loved to do. 

“Of course I mean it! Baek- This doesn’t come easy to me.” 

Chanyeol ignored Baekhyun’s loud scoff. 

“I really like you, I’m going to keep liking you and no matter how hard you try to push me away, I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re very cheesy, has anyone told you?”

Chanyeol’s laugh tinkled along the flower scented air, and Baekhyun knew he'd never heard a more beautiful sound. 

They went back to the book, enjoying the sunshine warming them, the sense of utter contentment from spending a lazy afternoon with someone you loved. 

“I should bring my guitar next time. I used to come to this park every once in a while you know? Just to play a couple songs.” 

Baekhyun shot up from his spot on Chanyeol’s chest, instantly brought back to a summer morning months ago. The guitarist who had lit up his entire afternoon in a haze of easy happiness. 

“I’ve heard you here before! Isn’t that crazy?” 

Chanyeol smiled, dazzling. “Maybe it was fate after all.”

The train back was packed full of evening commuters, the scent of sweat and tiredness clinging to the recycled air. Baekhyun was pressed against a door, Chanyeol standing guard in front of him. There wasn’t even enough to room to look up at him, so he settled his eyes on the spot where his collarbones met, a deep hollow.

It was far too stuffy for a scarf, but Baekhyun didn’t want to take it off and return it just yet. He nestled his face into it, inhaling the smell of bergamot and Chanyeol. The doors opened at another station, people crowding in. Chanyeol pressed closer, looking down at him sheepishly and offering an apologetic smile. 

Baekhyun however, took the opportunity being held out to him, no one was paying attention to them at all. He slipped his hands into Chanyeol’s coat, wrapping them around his narrow torso. He felt him go tense all over for a second before relaxing, letting himself be held in Baekhyun’s embrace. 

They rode the rest of the journey like that, breathing each other’s air, entwined.

—o—o—o—

“Okay, I can get up the stairs by myself. Unless you want to come up and say hi to Jongdae,” Baekhyun murmured as they reached his apartment.

“Ah, no it’s alright. I wish you didn’t have to go so early.” A grown man should not be allowed to look so much like a kicked puppy. 

“It’s my first day back to university in over two weeks, it’ll help my anxiety to start winding down early.” 

“Okay.”

“Okay, let go of my hand now.” 

Chanyeol chuckled lightly, eyes boring into Baekhyun’s as he lifted his hand to his mouth. Baekhyun waited with bated breath as Chanyeol pressed a single kiss onto his palm. 

“I’ll see you at the academy then.”

“Yes, I’ll see you Saturday.”

The sun was slowly setting, bathing them in dusk. Neither walked away, in fact they were swaying towards each other, oscillating in their own private universe. 

Chanyeol, confident, suave and always ready with a flirtatious smirk, seemed completely hesitant. He tripped a bit as he stepped closer. Baekhyun felt his hand getting clammier in Chanyeol’s grip, heart rate accelerating dangerously at the look in Chanyeol’s eyes. 

He felt a warm breath against his lips, he didn’t know when he’d closed his eyes. Just as the edges of panic began settling in, he felt a featherlight kiss at the corner of his mouth, quickly followed by one to the tip of his nose. And finally one to his forehead, where Chanyeol’s lips lingered for a spell.

It was almost magical. Twilight washed across the sky, chasing the sun away. Chanyeol’s lips pressed against his skin, hands held securely in his. Chanyeol pulled back, cheeks rose hued. His smile was delightfully lopsided, eyes giving away just a bit of apprehension. But it melted away at the expression on Baekhyun’s face, utterly enamored, irrevocably besotted. 

Even with the turbulent mix of guilt and fear and recklessness swirling in his mind, Chanyeol found rest, found peace. In the pink bow of Baekhyun’s lip, in the constellation of moles scattered across his skin, in the sincerity in his eyes. His beautiful, honest eyes. 

Nothing about Baekhyun and him could be wrong, not when every minute spent with him brought him a serenity like he’s never known. Not when he felt both passion and an instinct to protect stronger than ever before. 

Something bigger, more mystical than chance had brought this boy to him, and it would take a force unknown to come between them now.

—o—o—o—

“Chanyeol this is getting silly. There’s a lot of irony in putting a blindfold on me.”

“We’re almost there so be quiet and just follow me. And don’t sway too much to the sides.”

That definitely scared Baekhyun enough to clutch his boyfriend’s arm, huddling close. Boyfriend. Baekhyun’s head spun at the connotation. It was very new, almost comical how Chanyeol went about it, snatching Baekhyun’s phone away from him to change the “Mr Park - Piano” to “Boyfriend ^^” with a string of silly emojis and a face as red as a tomato. 

Baekhyun decided to use his other senses and that’s when he heard the sound of water, the faint smell of decay and fish that wafted from the Han River. Before he could yell in triumph, Chanyeol slipped the blindfold off him and Baekhyun got his first proper look at him.

Chanyeol stood tall and effortlessly stunning in a cashmere sweater over slacks, a long black coat bringing his shoulders into prominence. He had coiffed his hair back, except for a swirl of it falling over his forehead. The Rolex on his hand gleamed gold as he held it out to Baekhyun. 

Sometimes love sneaks up on you, packing a punch straight to your gut, leaving you breathless, giddy. Sometimes it’s a slow, honey drip, turning everything sweeter, tangling your feelings in sticky satisfaction. 

Baekhyun fell in love with Chanyeol a different way everyday, heart full to bursting, fingers shaking from the strength of his ardor. He slipped his trembling hands into much larger ones, letting Chanyeol lead him into a boat festooned with fairy lights. 

Once they were safely on, Chanyeol went down to greet the captain, bowing neatly. Baekhyun set about exploring. It was more of a yacht to be specific, with a lower level containing the captain’s deck and kitchen and the upper, open level with a wraparound sitting area. Baekhyun walked over to the edge of the deck as the yacht slowly pushed away from the marina; the sun was just setting in the distance, and the streetlights were winking on across the city. 

Seoul looked beautiful at night, the skyscrapers lighting up one by one, flashy neon signs of bars and the golden bulbs of the **pojangmacha** glowing bright. All the colorful luminescence was reflected in the dark water of the river that cut through the city, setting it ablaze. Baekhyun realized that he hadn’t seen this since he was a child and his parents would bring him and Baekbeom down to the riverside for picnics. They’d walk back when the sun had set, Baekhyun perched on his father’s shoulders, squealing in delight at the pretty lights. 

“So? Do you like it?” 

It was whispered into his ear, Chanyeol had materialized out of nowhere and was now wrapped around him like a big blanket. 

“I love it. Thank you,” Baekhyun turned in the envelope of Chanyeol’s arms and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. 

They sailed down the river, serenaded by the sound the yacht made as it sluiced across the water, a gentle burble that calmed Baekhyun. The polychrome lights made a mesmerizing show of Chanyeol’s face, gliding across his bone structure till he looked like a painting. 

They ate their dinner with candles adding their own romance to the night. Baekhyun drank his wine a little too quickly, giggling uncontrollably at every one of Chanyeol’s jokes, no matter how terrible they were. In return, Chanyeol looked at him like he was a fallen star that had shot down to him, his own private miracle. 

“I was nervous, you know. I haven’t had a serious first date in years.” 

They were wrapped up in one big fluffy blanket on the deck, it was near freezing now that the sun had set for hours. Baekhyun snuggled back into Chanyeol’s chest, listening to him talk, his deep voice reverberating through him. 

“I want to take you to the beach. Jongdae told me you really loved Jeju. We could go to Busan, Geoje is really nice in the summer.”

Baekhyun felt a sizzle of excitement shoot through at him at the fact that Chanyeol was thinking about plans months from now, as if them being together and happy was concrete, set in stone. 

“Oh! Jongin wanted me to tell you to keep the last week of this month free. He’s proposing a group trip, the four of us and whoever Jongdae wants to bring.” 

Baekhyun sprung out of the blanket at that, eyes shining. “Really? That sounds amazing!” 

Chanyeol smiled, face bright but for the crescent hollow of his dimple. “I knew you’d be excited.”

Baekhyun had never gone on a trip with friends, he’d never had more than the one. He was still deep in thought about the exciting prospect of a week with his closest friends, not noticing that Chanyeol had left and come back in that time. He was carrying a ukulele and a smile that could rival the moonlight shining down on them. 

The tune was instantly familiar to Baekhyun, making him throw the blanket off and scoot closer to Chanyeol. He watched as his deft fingers plucked at the strings, head bent, brows furrowed in concentration. 

Baekhyun was prepared to hear only the soft love song, nearly perfect for being on the water. But after a hesitant clearing of his throat, Chanyeol began to sing. Baekhyun’s heart fissured at how shy he sounded, his accent endearingly mispronouncing some words. 

**I belong with you, you belong with me  
You’re my sweetheart  
I belong with you, you belong with me  
You’re my sweet **

They were nearly back to the shore, the glitter of the city lights getting brighter, picking the opalescence in Chanyeol’s jet black hair. All there was to be heard was the soft churn of the water, the cheerful tune of a ukulele and Chanyeol’s voice, so mesmerizing it had Baekhyun struggling to keep his emotions intact. 

When the song was done, Chanyeol placed the small instrument down before looking up at him, entire face flushed. 

“I know I’m not a great singer. Nothing like you of course, I just, I saw the Lumineers on your playlist and this was the easiest song.”

Baekhyun thanked every shooting star he’d made a wish on, unbelieving that he could call a man this perfect as his own. 

“I don’t particularly like singing either but, I wanted to, for you.” Chanyeol’s flush deepened with each word. 

There was no helping the tear that fell out of his eye, not when Chanyeol, beautiful and kind Chanyeol, perfect Chanyeol, was looking at him like that. He pushed closer, until their legs met. He reached out with quivering hands to cup Chanyeol’s face, feeling the warmth of his reddening skin. 

The kiss was impossibly soft, Chanyeol’s lips just slightly dry from the cold air. Baekhyun was inexperienced, terrified, pressing close mouthed kisses against generous lips. Chanyeol let himself be kissed like that for moments, before wrapping a much larger hand around Baekhyun’s jaw and opening his lips to take Baekhyun’s in. 

The gasp Baekhyun let out was quickly swallowed, Chanyeol taking his time to savor the way it felt to finally have Baekhyun’s lips on his. He licked at the seam of them, putting the slightest bit of pressure until Baekhyun’s mouth fell open. The kiss tasted like wine, like utter, undiluted bliss. 

Baekhyun dropped his hands to Chanyeol’s sweater, fingers fisting into the wool. He let Chanyeol lick at his teeth, suck his tongue into his mouth, as fire shot through his body, setting him ablaze. He had never been kissed and here was this beautiful man, holding him like porcelain, kissing him like he was going to devour him whole. 

Chanyeol pulled back with a soft sound, chest heaving and eyes star struck. He watched as pink seeped into Baekhyun’s skin, the roundness of his cheeks. He was resplendent, too beautiful for this world. He was celestial, should have been among angels and instead he was in front of him, heart on his sleeves and truth written in his eyes for anyone to see. 

How lucky was he, that all that adoration was for him? 

He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Baekhyun’s, silver quick and just as special. 

“Did you like tonight?” Chanyeol’s voice was ravaged. 

“I like you.” It didn’t answer the question, but it made Chanyeol soar, a man drunk on satisfaction. 

Chanyeol settled back, pulling Baekhyun with him until he was draped over his chest, wrapping both arounds his slim waist. He peppered kisses along his neck as the moon rose above them. They reached the marina and reality became sharper, loud shouts of drunken middle aged men and the last calls of the street hawkers a stark contrast to the near absolute silence of the yacht. 

They disembarked and began their journey home, the haze of the evening dropping with every rowdy group they passed, the greasy smell of fried food pervasive. But Baekhyun felt like he was walking on air, on the gossamer floss of his wildest hopes. He’d never be forlorn again, not when he had Chanyeol looking at him with stars in his eyes, kissing him like he could save him. It was the prettiest dream he’d ever had. It was nirvana, wholly perfect.

—o—o—o—

Baekhyun stood awkwardly outside Seulgi’s last class for the day, more than one student giving him a wary glance as they passed by. He definitely looked out of place in the Arts wing of the university, not a stitch of neon or a peak of a colorful tattoo on him.

But after almost weeks of trying to get a hold of his friend and coming empty handed, he couldn’t think of anything else.

When Seulgi finally emerged, Baekhyun didn’t even notice until she had already walked several steps in front of him. With a jolt he leapt off the wall he was leaning against, yelling out her name. He came to a jerking stop when she turned around, Seulgi looked nearly unrecognizable. 

“Seul? What happened to you?” Baekhyun cried out in alarm as he drew her into a hug. 

He could feel her bones jutting out, fragile, bird-like. Her skin looked sallow, hair hanging limp around a too pale face. Baekhyun felt his chest burn with apprehension; he led them out to the courtyard, taking off his jacket and draping it over Seulgi’s emaciated form when they were seated. 

She looked at him, her dark glasses smudged, and managed a facsimile of a smile. 

“I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring your messages and calls. It’s not just you, it’s pretty much...well you and my mom.” A brittle laugh. “I haven’t really been up to it. Not feeling myself.”

“Seul, you look awful. What happened? You know you can tell me anything right?” Baekhyun wrapped his arms around her, rubbing his hands up and down to warm her, even though the cold was now cutting into his skin. 

“I’m fine! Just a little anxiety, you know.”

It wasn’t even slightly believable but Baekhyun took the bait. 

“Anxiety about what? Is it your classes? Is everything all right at home?”

“Everything’s fine Baekhyun!” Seulgi snapped, uncharacteristically short tempered. “It’s just a couple of rough weeks, I’ll be myself in no time.” 

Baekhyun noticed the deep shadows under gaunt cheekbones, eyes looking like they haven’t rested in days. He noticed how Seulgi didn’t raise her head when she was one to always look him in the eye, even when she couldn’t see anything. 

“Stop staring at me, Byun Baekhyun. I can feel it.” 

It was like a switch was turned on. Seulgi suddenly turned and put her hands on his, bouncing a little in her seat.

“Enough about my **mild** anxiety. I want to hear all about your adventures with Tall Sexy Piano Man! How is that going?”

Baekhyun could feel heat rushing across his face, he turned his face away to gather his thoughts and will down the maniacal smile on his face. He heard a loud gasp and whipped around to see Seulgi with both hands over her mouth. 

“Byunbaek you dirty dog! Your silence answers all my questions! Oh my god have you guys kissed? Have you slept with him already? ” Seulgi shrilly screamed but her face was glowing with mischief. 

Baekhyun felt hot all over, acutely embarrassed. They had kissed, ever since that night on the yacht, Chanyeol couldn’t keep his hands off him. He’d come over most nights, the pizza and video games just a prelude to what he really wanted to do. Baekhyun often found himself pinned down and thoroughly kissed. He was glad Seulgi couldn’t see the smattering of hickeys dotting his neck, Chanyeol had a single minded preference for leaving bites on his unblemished skin. 

Seulgi squealed as Baekhyun drowned in mortification, stuttering through excuses. It’s how they found themselves at a cozy cafe, cutting the last two hours of classes and just enjoying each other’s company, nestled in a plush couch with steaming cups of hot chocolate warming their hands.

Baekhyun began with his experience about his new treatment, almost breaking down when he got to the end of it and saw Seulgi’s cheeks damp with tears. Through his panic he felt frail hands cup his face and the sunshine of Seulgi’s smile lit up their small corner of the cafe.

“I’m happy for you B. I can’t think of anyone else who deserves it more.”

Baekhyun reached to wipe her tears away, stroking her cheekbones, feeling how sharp they were under his fingertips. He told her about Chanyeol, about how he was the reason for every one of his smiles, how he made him feel like an entirely new person, intoxicated, replenished, loved. 

By the time they walked out, Baekhyun felt light, as if telling Seulgi all of the little details had somehow solidified them, made them more real than they had been. And how his heart sang at how supportive his friend was, how utterly happy on his behalf even when he could see, plain as day, that she was going through something terrible. 

Throughout the evening he tried to pry more knowledge from her only to have Seulgi evade his every attempt. Finally he’d given up, hoping she would come to him on her own if things got really bad. 

“My mom is almost here, you can head back if you want to,” Seulgi said distractedly, extending her walking stick. 

“Don’t be silly, I’ll wait with you. Do you want to come over for dinner sometime this week? I’ll get Jongdae to pick you up.” 

Seulgi pondered it for longer than usual, nervously tucking her lank hair behind her ears. 

“I’ll let you know, but I can probably make it.”

Baekhyun smiled, relieved. He had missed his best friend, felt guilty that he had inadvertently turned away from her when she needed him just because there was so much on his own plate. 

He was startled when he felt a tug on his jacket, he looked down to see Seulgi’s fist tightening on the fabric. 

“Seul?”

“You’ve been a really good friend to me B.”

“Hey, why are you saying it like that?” Baekhyun was more than alarmed at the suddenness of the sentiment. 

“I just wanted to tell you. We aren’t always sappy. Carpe diem and all that.” A weak laugh. 

“You sure you’re okay, love?” Baekhyun asked when he felt Seulgi’s hand follow the seam of his jacket until her hands found his face. She reached up and gave him a peck on the cheek.

“Just know I love you B. And I can’t wait to meet the boyfriend. I hope you won’t replace my spot in your heart.” 

Baekhyun laughed, drawing Seulgi into his arms. “Never you little brat. You’ll always be my favorite person, just don’t tell Jongdae.”

Seulgi’s laugh was his favorite song. And it tinkled loud and pretty in the winter air. Soon Seulgi’s mother had pulled up to the curb, rolling down the windows and giving Baekhyun a bland smile. She looked just as weak and tired as her daughter. 

Baekhyun helped Seulgi into the seat, buckling her in despite her protests of being perfectly capable of doing it on her own. But when he went to withdraw she held on tight to his hand.

“Bye B, take care till I see you next.”

“You too Seul. I’ll call you okay? Take care Mrs Kang!” 

Mrs Kang gave him a nod as an afterthought, hands already fluttering over Seulgi, making sure she was alright. Baekhyun heard the reprimand for staying out after university, caught the beginning of Seulgi’s defensive protest before the car sped away. 

He began walking back to the university to wait for Chanyeol to pick him up, heart resting heavily in his chest. It was the worst feeling of foreboding, making his breaths labored and his mind roil unpleasantly. He looked into his phone as it chirped a new message tone.

“I’m almost there babe. I missed you today. <3”

His mind settled automatically, smile blossoming as he felt butterflies awaken in his stomach. All his fears forgotten with so much as a text message and an emoji.

—o—o—o—

The snow was falling in soft white flakes, just a light dusting of it across the roads and the hood of Chanyeol’s car as they made their way to Gangwon. It was loud in the car, unlike how it usually was with just the two of them, but with Jongdae, his date and Sehun packed in the back, it was positively boisterous.

“Yah Byunbaek, stop sulking! I know you wanted Chanyeol all to yourself but this is a friends trip, emphasize on the friends!”

“Your friend is very loud, Baekhyun hyung,” Sehun complained. 

Baekhyun couldn’t help but laugh, looking over to see Chanyeol smiling widely. His boyfriend turned to him, flashing his dimple just because he knew Baekhyun was weak for it. He caught Sehun’s eye in the rear view mirror and nodded his head sagely. 

“He can be very annoying but there’s a good heart under all that whining and screaming.” 

Jongdae’s date had to bodily hold him back from launching at Baekhyun. 

When they finally reached Chuncheon, the snow had stopped, only leaving behind a thin layer of soft mush on the road. Baekhyun had completely zoned out of every conversation, completely in awe at how beautiful the popular island was. There were tourists everywhere, holding cameras aloft and squealing excitedly about how their favorite kdrama was shot “right here!” but instead of being irritated, Baekhyun just found it even more appealing. How many years has it been since he’s felt included like this? He was just one of the hundreds, enjoying the weather and the view with loved ones. 

Chanyeol’s hand was held firmly in his, a constant source of warmth and comfort. They boarded the ferry that would take them to Nami Island, Kyungsoo pointing out all the facts about the destination and nearby Petit France and Garden of Morning Calm. Baekhyun was wide eyed, taking in every little detail. The sun glinting off the water around them, the flushed faces of all the foreigners chattering excitedly, the way Chanyeol would look over at him periodically, nervousness all over his face. 

Baekhyun looked around to make sure no one was paying attention to them and pulled Chanyeol closer by his jacket. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Chanyeol blushed, a schoolboy caught doing something he shouldn’t have been. “Just making sure you’re having a good time. It is our first trip together, kind of a big deal.”

“You’re so silly.” Baekhyun knew his smile was far too affected.

They leaned towards each other, momentarily forgetting where they were until Sehun smacked Chanyeol’s head, reminding them. 

The pine trees of the island were gorgeous, standing tall and laden down with snow. It really did look like something out of a fairytale. Some of the ice had crystallized, sharp stalactites dropping down from the branches. They had lunch at a small cafe, their big group squeezed into a tiny booth. Baekhyun was flanked by Chanyeol and Sehun, unsurprising since Chanyeol was not leaving his side at all. 

They began introducing themselves as they waited for the food, Sehun and Jongdae’s date being the newcomers. The girl Jongdae had brought was quiet but polite, engaging in their conversation but preferring to talk mostly to her boyfriend. Sehun was true to his usual character, icy and aloof in front of company he didn’t know yet. But his eyes seemed to follow Jongin wherever he went, a touch of bitterness in his eyes. 

“Sehun ah, something on your mind?” Baekhyun ventured, comfortable after spending many nights in Chanyeol’s house, cuddled on the couch with Sehun. 

“He’s the prettiest man I’ve ever seen,” Sehun pouted. 

Baekhyun laid a hand on his skinny knee, rubbing soothingly. “You’ll find someone else just as pretty. Look around and take your pick!”

“No hyung, love should come to me.” There was so much seriousness in his voice that Baekhyun had to hide his laugh behind his water glass. 

“It definitely will Sehunnie, something amazing is waiting for you.”

Sehun bent down to nuzzle his head into Baekhyun’s shoulder, peering up at him balefully. “I wish Chanyeol hyung hadn’t met you first.”

Baekhyun looked over at Chanyeol to see what he thought of the comment, only to see that he was already staring at them, brows adorably furrowed. Baekhyun blew a kiss at him. 

He kept an eye on Sehun all throughout lunch, watching him stare daggers at Kyungsoo, realizing he really loved this rag tag group of theirs. 

They walked around the entire island, taking silly pictures and stopping by every food stall they passed. Chanyeol blew on a piece of hotteok before feeding it to him, mouth forming an ‘o’ as if he were feeding a baby. He had been keeping an arm looped around him at all times, occasionally sending Sehun silly glares. 

Baekhyun watched as Jongdae slowly but surely broke Sehun’s walls, encouraging the youngest to open up more. He even braved a conversation with Jongin and Kyungsoo, looking at the tanned boy with a doleful expression. But by the end of their evening, Sehun had glommed on to Kyungsoo, since the latter was naturally maternal and there was nothing Sehun loved more than being babied. He followed Kyungsoo around like a chick would with a mother hen. 

They had done all the little activities offered on the island, bike rides and zip lining. Baekhyun had blushed from head to toe when Chanyeol insisted on posing in front of the statue of the couple from Winter Sonata, replicating their cheesy pose to the hoots and hollers of Jongdae and Jongin. 

Baekhyun’s head was saturated, he’d recorded every pretty thing he’d seen so he would remember it for all the days to come. Snowflakes caught in Chanyeol’s lashes, the blush high on Sehun’s cheeks as Kyungsoo fed him bites of steaming sweet potato. The myriad colors of all the flowers around them, the majesty of the sunset as they walked back to the ferry. It was strikingly beautiful, the entire day something out of his most secret dreams. 

He was no longer a boy slowly going blind, friendless, drowning in his own despair, fighting for breaths. He stared at the people gathered around the small fire offered by the kind inn keepers of the pension house Chanyeol had picked out. These were his people now, laughing and talking amongst themselves. People who saw him for more than he was, who planned their trips around him, who’d taken him just as he was, with open arms. 

Sehun’s head was on his lap, the boy playing with his fingers. 

“You have the prettiest fingers hyung.” 

“Sehun, it’s late, maybe you should go to your room.” 

Baekhyun looked up at the barely concealed irritation in Chanyeol’s voice, his ears were flaming red. Sehun had banished him away from Baekhyun, claiming he was monopolizing all his time and Chanyeol, dear, stubborn, Chanyeol had not taken it very well. 

He’d been pouting at them for the past thirty minutes, hugging himself and refusing to take part in the rowdiness. This of course had only egged on the other boys, Jongin pressing kisses to Baekhyun’s cheeks only to have Chanyeol throw his marshmallows at him. 

“Baek hyung, you’re too good for him you know. He’s actually **super** lame. God, the way he wouldn’t shut up about you for weeks before you agreed to date him.” 

“Sehun, shut up.”

Baekhyun felt like he was floating, joy effervescent and fizzing in his veins. He began stroking Sehun’s hair, looking right at Chanyeol.

“Really now? What did he say?”

Chanyeol gave him a warning look which went wholly ignored. 

“What didn’t he say! He used to go on and on about you, your eyes and your voice and your laugh. He’s so whipped it’s **gross**. Oh one time he talked about how when you were bending over-“

Sehun didn’t have the opportunity to finish his sentence, having been bodily dragged to the ground and sat on by Chanyeol. Baekhyun’s laugh rose into the night sky, content and too loud. 

Jongdae was the first to head back, pulling up his girlfriend who had inadvertently fallen asleep on his shoulder, Baekhyun thought it was adorable. Jongin and Kyungsoo sat under one shared blanket, Sehun had wandered over to them and was receiving head pats from Kyungsoo and glares from his boyfriend. 

Baekhyun shivered as he felt Chanyeol’s hand on the nape of his neck, his lips at his ear. 

“Wanna get out of here?”

The words dripped promise, deep and dark. Instantly he felt nervous, he had never been with a man before and Chanyeol’s touch tonight spoke of more than their usual kissing and roving, but tame, hands. Baekhyun turned, only to have his face bump into Chanyeol’s from the proximity. 

The smirk on his boyfriend’s face was too dangerous, far too cocky. Heat erupted all over his body; this was a Chanyeol he barely got to see. 

“What about the others?”

“They’re not going to notice. Let’s just quietly leave.”

Chanyeol leaned forward to nose at Baekhyun’s neck, sucking on the soft patch of skin behind his ear. 

“Jesus Yeol, wait till you get to the room at least, you perv,” came Sehun’s disgusted voice. 

Chanyeol smiled against Baekhyun’s skin, he could always count on his idiot best friend to set things up for him perfectly. He leapt to his feet, pulling Baekhyun up with him. 

“You’re absolutely right Hun, how rude of me! Goodnight children. See you all tomorrow. If any of you need me, don’t.”

He ignored the loud booing that followed them, hurrying to get to their room as quickly as possible. Baekhyun’s hand felt small and clammy in his and he checked to make sure he was still with him. His silence was disconcerting, Baekhyun was usually always up for their time alone. 

Once the hotel room was open, Baekhyun made an instant beeline to the bathroom, locking the door closed before Chanyeol could get a word out. He stripped out of the grimy clothes he’d been in all day and went to the little balcony. He could make out the camp fire in the distance and he hoped his friends would go to bed at a proper time. He chuckled to himself as he realized what a papa bear he was, but that’s just how he always had been.

Caretaking had come naturally to him, whether it was comforting Yoora after a breakup or covering his mother with a blanket when she had drunkenly passed out on the living room couch. He looked after Sehun like he was a son, even though the boy was nearing his twenties and fully capable of looking after himself. 

He liked taking care of Baekhyun, felt an instinctive need to more times than not. He liked a lot of things about being with Baekhyun, even though he hadn’t been with another man in this capacity before. He thought he’d be hesitant, unwilling to bend. But for Baekhyun, he would do anything. 

He heard the shower stop and stepped back into the room to see Baekhyun standing by the bed, wrapped in the fluffy hotel robe, hair still damp. Emotion surged up in him, breath knocked out of him at the simple beauty, the easy grace and a striking sensuality Baekhyun himself wasn’t aware of. 

“The knobs are a bit hard to figure out at first, but try the right one first and don’t turn the left one too much,” Baekhyun said over his shoulder as he plugged in the hair dryer. 

Chanyeol hummed noncommittally and went to wash up. It was abundantly clear Baekhyun was apprehensive, edging around him as if he was scared. Like Chanyeol would ever do anything he wasn’t comfortable with. He’d rather sleep with blue balls every night if it meant he could simply hold Baekhyun in his arms. 

Baekhyun wandered around the hotel room, too restless to keep still. It felt too suffocating all of a sudden. With Jongdae living with him and Sehun staying at Chanyeol’s, they were never really **alone**. But tonight, the moon was still steadily rising in the sky, and they had hours left till the light of dawn. 

Giving up, he pulled on a pair of sleep shorts and forwent the shirt, an act of bravery. He slipped into the bed after dimming all the lights. When Chanyeol stepped out, towel wrapped around his waist and rubbing at his hair with another, Baekhyun had nearly calmed his racing heart, but one look at the sculpted body, the fading black of his tattoos, the absolute abundance of alabaster skin, had his heart beating in double time. 

Chanyeol was silent as he went about his night time routine, occasionally throwing worried glances over at Baekhyun, who was idly scrolling through his phone. The air was thick with their hesitation, tension palpable. Chanyeol took in a deep breath and let it out in a whoosh of sudden calm. This was Baekhyun, the missing part of him, his better mirror image, the other half of his soul. There’s no way this wouldn’t be right, no matter how wrong they got it. 

He got into the bed, scooping Baekhyun into his arms, wrapping his much bigger frame around him. 

“We can just lie like this all night and I’d be happy. So ease up for me?” 

The shudder rippled through his body, at the hoarse whisper, the feeling of a very naked Chanyeol pressed up against him. Baekhyun thought of a million reasons to slow things down, before turning and crashing his lips against Chanyeol’s. 

First times are frenzied, a little lustful, a lot awkward. But Chanyeol didn’t allow them to rush it, his hands were careful on Baekhyun’s body, devotional. They settled on his waist as Chanyeol plundered his mouth, slow and rough, rough and sweet. Baekhyun was trembling, inexperience showing and mortifying him. But Chanyeol was right there with him, fingers carding into his hair, licking fire down his neck. 

“Condoms?” Baekhyun had no idea what prompted him to ask it, they hadn’t even discussed that they’d go all the way tonight. 

“I have them, if we need it. Do you want to?” Chanyeol tipped his chin up so he could look right into his eyes, gaze trying to focus. 

“I- I don’t know yet.” Baekhyun wasn’t as brave, couldn’t look at Chanyeol’s eyes when they were blown wide with desire.

“That’s fine, Baek. Let’s find out together.”

It took them a while to settle into each other, something holding Baekhyun back no matter how hard he tried to let loose. But with every ardent kiss, every possessive touch, Baekhyun unraveled. Chanyeol kneaded the soft flesh of his hips, turning him until he was lying flat on the bed as he hovered over him.

He kissed his way down Baekhyun’s body, dipping his tongue into the indentations of his bones, mapping his skin, finding his favorite spots, the ones that made Baekhyun whimper weakly from above him. 

He slipped the shorts off, inch by aching inch. Baekhyun writhed, hungering but unknowing of what exactly he wanted. Chanyeol took one of his hands in his, squeezing, bringing him back to the moment. There was moonlight, the sea in the distance, and two bodies coming together. 

Chanyeol pressed kisses along the curve of his hip bones, fluttering pecks along the velvet of his inner thigh, everywhere except where Baekhyun craved most. Chanyeol stopped and looked up at him from underneath his lashes and Baekhyun wanted to weep in gratitude for being able to see this sight, to not have it marred or grey. Because Chanyeol looked absolutely otherworldly, dark hair mussed, lips raw and swollen from Baekhyun’s teeth, his cheeks flushed a sinful red as he let his breath ghost over the crown of Baekhyun’s erection. 

He closed his lips over the tip, keeping a firm grip on Baekhyun’s hand, the other coming to pump the shaft. Pleasure washed over him in waves as Chanyeol kept a steady pace, twisting his wrist and taking him deep into his mouth. Baekhyun shook violently when Chanyeol suddenly sunk down his length, gagging. He watched as pretty doe eyes watered, the flush growing darker as he continued to lave up Baekhyun’s cock. 

Nobody had ever touched him there, let alone put their mouth on him. After a few short moments Baekhyun felt his entire body tighten, muscles spasming as his orgasm approached like a freight train. He wanted to warn Chanyeol but he could only tighten the hand that was buried in his hair as his back arched off the bed and he came into Chanyeol’s mouth. 

Chanyeol was caught off guard, pulling off only to have the next spurt hit him in the face. Baekhyun went boneless after his orgasm, sinking back on to the pillows and weakly clutching at Chanyeol’s hand, which had never left his. He closed his eyes, trying to bring his breathing back to normal, only coming to when he felt the bed dip with Chanyeol’s weight. He rolled over, suddenly alert.

“I’m sorry! Chanyeol I’m so sorry, I came too soon and didn’t even tell you,” he cried, wiping at Chanyeol’s face.

Chanyeol caught his wrist, stopping his movements, instead pressing a kiss to the soft skin. 

“I’m fine babe, a little cum isn’t going to hurt me. Was it...was it good?” Chanyeol looked away from him, the first sign of his own uncertainty. “That was my first time giving a...sucking a-” 

An infinite fondness filled Baekhyun’s heart, bubbling over and making it grow large enough to protect them both. His twenty eight year old boyfriend could suddenly not say the word dick, when he’s heard much worse come out his mouth every time they played a video game and Chanyeol would start losing. 

A part of him still had misgivings about going further tonight, but a much bigger part wanted to fill himself with the sight of Chanyeol making love to him, Chanyeol’s hands touching him, Chanyeol’s lips claiming him. 

He snuck his hand into the space between them, wrapping it around Chanyeol’s cock, which was fully hard, leaking a little precum. He tugged on it from base to tip, his knowledge of the matter at hand exclusively from some shoddily shot home videos when Jongdae wasn’t home. 

He didn’t do much, keeping his hand loose but the second he reached the tip and rubbed across it, Chanyeol gasped, back arching. He managed to maneuver his much larger body until it was atop his own, the feeling of all the skin against his incredible. Chanyeol smiled crookedly down at him, clearly pleased with how much Baekhyun wanted this. 

They kissed, long and hungry. Tongues clashing together and locking in a wet pull and push. Their groins grinding together, Chanyeol’s hard cock bringing Baekhyun’s back to life. Baekhyun reveled in the sensations of it, never having been this intimate with another person. He watched as Chanyeol came undone when he wrapped his hand around both their cocks, rubbing them in tandem. 

Chanyeol’s breaths came in short, ragged puffs, his muscles quivering as he hovered over him. He licked down Baekhyun’s neck, circling a nipple before biting down, eliciting a broken moan. They frotted against each other, sweat glistening on skin, gasps and moans and the sinful sounds of sex the only noise in the room. 

Baekhyun took Chanyeol’s cock in one hand, rubbing the tip exclusively with the other. Chanyeol came with a scream, leaning down to clamp onto Baekhyun’s shoulder, teeth sinking deep. The bite, coupled with the sticky cum now covering Baekhyun’s cock wrenched his second orgasm from him and he was left a heaving mess underneath Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol raised his head from the crook of a sweaty neck to gently rest it against Baekhyun’s forehead. Their breaths mingled as they came down from the high, eventually calming down enough to exchange slow, satisfied kisses. Chanyeol rolled off him, gathering tissues.

“We could shower, get cleaner.”

“Mm too tired.” Baekhyun was so content, utterly spent. 

“Okay, okay, you big baby. Let’s go to sleep then.” 

Baekhyun let Chanyeol gently wipe them both off, kissing and tickling him the entire time. When he was done he curved himself around Baekhyun, hands coming around him to hold him tighter. He pressed kisses to his shoulder, to his ear, any part of him he could reach, making Baekhyun giggle delightedly. 

“Did you have fun today?”

“Do you even have to ask? It was perfect.”

“Good, I’m glad. It’s better, isn’t it, because of your eyes?” 

Chanyeol didn’t mean any harm and Baekhyun was glad for his candor, there was nothing he hated more than when people walked around eggshells about his disability. 

He lifted Chanyeol’s hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to his palm. 

“Thank you. I never thought I’d be able to experience all this. I feel like my brain is full of my own polaroids. I’m never going to forget any of it.” 

Chanyeol laughed, quick and bright. He pressed a final kiss to Baekhyun’s cheek and whispered a goodnight. Baekhyun stayed awake as he heard Chanyeol’s breathing become even, as his weight sunk further into him in sleep. 

It had been a weekend he never imagined, just the first day exceeding every expectation. And it was true, it was infinitely better because Baekhyun wasn’t just bodily present, letting the ebb and flow of the day carry him through, unfeeling. He could **see** the beauty around them, let it paint his feelings and give form to his emotions. His laughs came easier and his tears more poignant because he wasn’t seeing the world through distorted lenses, through a grey corruption that seeped into every moment and made him hopelessly melancholy. 

Which is why he couldn’t put a damper on the moment, couldn’t let Chanyeol know and feel bad because over the last few days his vision was slowly, slightly decreasing. And when they had all been admiring the sunset today, Baekhyun noticed the same dark grey spot at the center of both eyes, the beginning of his downfall, the end to his hubris.

—o—o—o—


	4. Part IV

“to live in this world  
you must be able  
to do three things  
to love what is mortal;  
to hold it  
against your bones knowing  
your own life depends on it;  
and, when the time comes to let it go,  
to let it go”  
-Mary Oliver

The months whizzed by, Chanyeol occupying every day of Baekhyun’s life. He was drowned in a deluge of love and attention, being doted on like a prince. Which is why when he got the call from Seulgi’s mother, he felt like his entire world had come crashing down. 

“Come quickly, Baekhyun. Come quickly.”

Jongdae was driving them, hands shaking on the steering wheel, eyes blinking rapidly. Unlike Baekhyun, who was openly weeping in the passenger seat, Jongdae had to keep his eyes dry and on the road.  
Baekhyun was lost in his head, the voices back, harsher than ever. When had he stopped worrying about Seulgi? Taking her absence lightly, accepting her flimsy excuses without ever checking up on her?

The answer was obvious, the guilt all consuming. Baekhyun had cocooned himself in Chanyeol’s arms, in the little world they had built. He was under the spell of spontaneous drives and kisses under the stars, of Chanyeol’s voice in his ear, breathing life into him. 

Everything, and everyone, had become an afterthought, a detail easy to forget. He cursed himself ruthlessly, the whispers in his head rising to screams. He was a terrible friend, a selfish bastard who gave up on the only person who’d had his best interests at heart, who’d showered with him love like it was nothing. 

The tears wouldn’t stop coming, Baekhyun felt like he was choking on them. Cancer. Why hadn’t he seen the signs, the ones so dire and looking him right in the eye. The gauntness of her cheekbones, the pallor of her skin. The fact that she had kept it from him, from all of them, suffering under the weight of her misery all on her own. Watching as her life slowly drained out of her. 

The hospital came into view, Baekhyun jumped out of the car before it had even stopped, Jongdae screaming after him. He ran, like a blind man, tears completely obscuring his vision. The receptionist pointed gravely, the look on her face filled with pity. 

Baekhyun swiveled into the corridor leading to her room only to fall to his knees. Seulgi’s mother’s cries rose above the clamor of the hospital, patients and staff stopping to look back at the woman howling and pulling at her own hair. He was too late. He didn’t even make it to the last, most important moment. 

A blinding fury gnawed at his chest, why was the world so cruel, why would it harm someone who didn’t have a hint of darkness in their soul. He was sobbing now, raw and broken, screams rending his throat. He couldn’t get up from the floor, not when Jongdae tried to pull him up, not when Seulgi’s parents tried to comfort him. It only brought a fresh wave of despair, how could they push their own sorrow, a loss greater than Baekhyun could ever fathom, to ask after him. 

He was trembling, soul fighting to leave the world and join his best friend. Seulgi, his beautiful Seulgi, was no longer with him. What was the point of continuing to live, what use was he at all? 

Her small body was dwarfed by the hospital bed, she looked so frail. This wasn’t his best friend, not Kang Seulgi, who was so full of life, vivacious and bright and the best kind of person to have on your team. She spread her light every single day, even if she lived in obsolete darkness herself. Baekhyun’s chest caved in, he couldn’t hold himself up any longer. 

That’s how Chanyeol found him, curled on the hospital floor, refusing to budge, sobs wracking through his small frame. He barely registered being pulled up, but he realised he was being taken away, taken away from Seulgi, and he couldn’t let that happen.

He pushed away from Chanyeol, thrashing and screaming, delirious in his mourning. Chanyeol kept his grip firm, bodily pulling him out of the hospital room. 

“Baekhyun, please. She wouldn’t want to see you like this.” 

Baekhyun reached out, his heart ripped into two, guilt and sorrow a volatile mix. His hand cracked across Chanyeol’s face, the sound of the slap hideously loud. 

“Don’t touch me! You’re trying to make me leave her again! It’s your fault!”

Baekhyun was beside himself, he couldn’t see how red the hand print was on Chanyeol’s cheek, how pale the rest of his face was. He pushed away from him, stumbling on his own feet. 

“I would’ve known, I would’ve been there for her. But I only thought of you. She’s gone now! And it’s all your fault!” 

Baekhyun was screaming, so loud that Jongdae had come running. Chanyeol staggered back, the words hitting him harder than Baekhyun’s cold hands. 

“Baekhyun-“

“Get out! I never want to see you again!”

Baekhyun ran back into the hospital room, kneeling at Seulgi’s bed. This was his penance, he didn’t deserve anything good in his life, there was only agony, there was only pain.

—o—o—o—

Baekhyun sat in the last row of the church at the funeral, with the late stragglers and the ones who didn’t count. He was paralyzed, eyes dry as they lowered the mahogany coffin into the ground. He bowed deep to Seulgi’s parents, clasping her mother’s hand and asking for forgiveness, for letting her daughter down when she needed him most.

He was quiet on the ride back, he hadn’t spoken one word since. Jongdae always came home to a completely silent apartment, long gone were the days of Baekhyun tinkering around on the keyboard, singing loudly in his bedroom. 

Each day was mechanical, he ate to keep Jongdae satisfied, he sat on the floor by his bed, going through his gallery. Tears dampened his shirt, his eyes were almost permanently swollen. 

He couldn’t sleep, not when Seulgi haunted every dream. He stayed awake for days, until the exhaustion led him to a sleep devoid of anything other than darkness. He stopped charging his phone, leaving the hundreds of messages and calls from Chanyeol unanswered. 

Chanyeol. Soft hearted Chanyeol. Something putrid and rotten inside him laughed at how he kept trying, a kicked puppy with endless optimism. But it didn’t matter that he missed him like he would a limb, like a vital, living part of him had been ripped away. He didn’t deserve sunshine smiles and gentle hands. His only possessions were melancholy, and a guilt sharp enough to draw blood. 

“Baekhyun. Chanyeol is coming over.” 

Jongdae announced it over dinner, watching as his friend pretended to eat for his sake. He expected an outburst, cursing. But Baekhyun didn’t even flinch. 

“Oh, okay. I needed to talk to him anyway.” 

Jongdae didn’t like how flat his voice was, how completely devoid of emotion. But Chanyeol had been hounding him for days now and he couldn’t hold out against his heartbroken friend. 

“Baek, he really loves-“

“I’ll be in my room. Thank you for dinner.” 

Baekhyun looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, the fluorescent lighting doing nothing to hide how sallow his skin was, his hair dull and matted. It looked like color had leached out of him, leaving him waxened, monotone. And his eyes, they didn’t hold a hint of luster anymore. A bitter laugh escaped his lips. 

He had avoided all the calls from his ophthalmologists, deleting Dr Kim’s emails before reading them. He didn’t tell Jongdae. On some days he didn’t admit it to himself. The effects of the stem cell had completely worn off, his eyesight was back to the same. A greyness marred both eyes, leaving him to rely on peripheral vision and memory. He could see it now, a patch of light brown across the onyx of his pupils. 

He blinked away the tears gathering on his lashes, he could hear the doorbell. Chanyeol was here. It was time. 

Baekhyun hadn’t expected Chanyeol to look his best, but he was still taken aback by just how bedraggled his boyfriend looked, mirroring his own unkempt appearance. But while Baekhyun wore his anguish like a second skin, it stood out sorely on Chanyeol’s usually exuberant face.

His stomach churned at the thought that those deep eye bags and chapped lips were his doing. Another person he had let down. 

“Baekhyun, you don’t know how much I’ve missed you. Please-“

“I think we should break up.”

The words went off like individual gun shots, ricocheting in the quiet room. Chanyeol’s mouth opened and closed before he clamped his jaw. 

“You’re being reckless, you’re not thinking straight. Let’s talk Baekhyun ah.” 

There was so much pain in his voice, the hint of pleading lacing around the words. 

Baekhyun closed his eyes, steeling himself against the emotions that surged in him at Chanyeol’s proximity. Hardening his heart against the way tears teetered on the edge of Chanyeol’s bambi eyes. 

He stood frozen as Chanyeol stepped forward warily, as if Baekhyun was a skittish animal who would bolt if he got too close. Chanyeol stepped forward till he’d wrapped both arms around Baekhyun’s frame, pulling him to his chest. His body was so warm. 

Baekhyun let himself be held, waited as Chanyeol leaned down till his lips were at his ears. 

“I love you so much. I can’t live without you. Please don’t do this.”

Deep tenor doused in sorrow, clogged with misery. 

Baekhyun could feel Chanyeol’s tears splash down to his neck, his own streaming freely down his face. Chanyeol lifted his head, eyes widening at the impassive look on Baekhyun’s face. He sunk down, a sinner on his knees. When they both knew he had nothing to be forgiven for. 

He kept his hands wrapped around Baekhyun’s middle, refusing to let go. Baekhyun pushed his hands into Chanyeol’s hair, sifting through the softness. Their memories played like a montage, the piano’s lament the background music. 

Chanyeol’s hands curled around his, his lips on his skin, his eyes shining with an ardor he’d never experienced. Chanyeol had infused color into his life, had given his heart a song to sing.  
He’d lit a love in Baekhyun, so all consuming, it had made him forget his best friend, someone who’d held Baekhyun’s battered heart in her gentle hands for years before he’d ever met Chanyeol. 

And now she was gone, her light and her loud laughs. Baekhyun couldn’t go back to Chanyeol. Couldn’t go back to happiness, to a life he didn’t deserve. 

“I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun pried Chanyeol’s hands away, stepping back. He watched as Chanyeol stood shakily, nose reddening, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. He looked startlingly beautiful in his despair. 

“I’m sorry about your friend Baekhyun. It’s horrible, it shouldn’t have happened. But you’ll get through this, I’ll help you.” 

Soft hearted Chanyeol. Willing to mend him when all he wanted to do was destroy everything in his path. Burn down everything they had created. 

“I don’t want to see you anymore. I’m sorry, Chanyeol.”

Baekhyun watched as Chanyeol’s face twitched, the first flash of anger.

“Stop apologizing. Stop saying sorry if you don’t fucking mean it!”

Baekhyun closed his fists to keep them from shaking, for all his cold aloofness, he felt like he was ripping himself in two. He never thought he’d be the one who hurts Chanyeol, but what else will a depraved, inadequate person like him be better suited to? 

“Baekhyun, you’re just pushing me away, you think it’ll make anything better? Stop punishing yourself.”

Was he so transparent? Chanyeol stepped towards him, one hand reaching for him, as if he sensed hesitation. But there was none, Baekhyun was resolute. This was his ultimate sacrifice, a life condemned to misery, for the life Seulgi couldn’t live. 

“Stop. Don’t touch me. It’s over, Chanyeol. Please...” Baekhyun’s voice cracked, betraying him. “Please just go.”

He was shaking, full body shudders as his words diffused into the air, as they slowly sunk into Chanyeol. He almost came forward, as if to help Baekhyun through this. Soft hearted Chanyeol, putting Baekhyun before himself even when he was piercing a stake through his heart. Watching the blood drip down.

Baekhyun watched as Chanyeol fought against the impulse, straightening his shoulders and taking a weak breath. He stared at Baekhyun, eyes flitting across his face, as if committing him to memory. 

Baekhyun wished he could do the same, but he could barely make out the individual features of Chanyeol’s face now that he was fully crying. A small part of his mind wondered how long it would be before he couldn’t remember how Chanyeol’s face looked when he was sleeping, his soft smile when he listened to Baekhyun sing. The way his lips always parted before they’d descend on his. 

He heard the door close softly, Chanyeol wasn’t one to slam it. He didn’t know when he closed his eyes, but he couldn’t look at Chanyeol’s face anymore. Not when his pained expression filtered through his degenerated retina somehow, not when he could still see it now, with his eyes closed. 

Baekhyun turned off all the lights, and lied on the center of his bed. He had done it, severed the one connection that meant the most to him, that had made him whole. The voices rejoiced, finally they were in control again. The darkness crowded close, his thoughts distorting. He felt heavy, a bone deep weariness. Is this how absolution was supposed to feel?

He convinced himself it was.

—o—o—o—

Baekhyun giggled, neck scrunching as Chanyeol rained sloppy kisses on his skin.

“Yeollie...stop! It tickles!” 

Chanyeol rose from the bed they were on and stepped back, lacing his hand with Baekhyun’s. Oh but this was joy, he was back with Chanyeol and everything was right in the world. Baekhyun let himself be pulled up, maybe they were going to the living room to watch a movie or maybe they could take Toben out to the park. 

“Yeollie, can we go to the dog park?” Baekhyun asked, heart buoyant.

Chanyeol didn’t turn though, didn’t show any sign of having heard him. Baekhyun called his name out loud a few more times, to get no response. They had arrived at the living room, but the walls were a sickly green color, not the cheerful periwinkle Jongdae and him had painted themselves.

“Do you miss me B?”

Baekhyun staggered back, Chanyeol was gone. The voice floated down, still sounding just as tinkling and sweet as ever. 

“You should have done better. Maybe we could’ve had more time together.” 

It was suddenly very cold, Baekhyun turned in a circle trying to find her face. His Seulgi, she’d come back to him. 

“Seul! I’m so sorry! Thank God you’re here. I’ll be there for you this time,” he pleaded with air.

“It’s too late B.”

Baekhyun watched as the walls of their living room melted away, spinning and dissolving until he was in the middle of a hospital room. The machines were completely silent, the cardiac monitor showing no activity. Seulgi. It was happening again. 

Baekhyun walked forward on shaky feet, until he reached the bed. Instead of Seulgi’s face, his own stared back at him, lifeless. Unmoving.  
A scream tried to work up his throat. 

The Baekhyun on the bed opened his eyes, and all the light of the room was sucked out. Baekhyun put his hands up to his face, he couldn’t see a thing. There was only darkness.

—o—o—o—

“It was bad Soo. He came running into my room, practically hyperventilating. He wouldn’t even tell me what he had dreamt, but he had broken into a cold sweat and was shaking like a leaf.”

Jongdae balanced the phone between his ear and shoulder as he shuffled through his notes. He almost had a heart attack when Baekhyun had burst into his room, sobbing loudly, screaming incoherence. He hadn’t fallen asleep until Jongdae had cuddled close and murmured soothing placations. 

“Is he alright now?” Kyungsoo asked worriedly through the phone. Jongdae could hear Jongin in the background, screaming for the call to be put on speaker.

“He wasn’t alright before it happened either. He won’t tell me anything. He thinks I don’t notice him not eating or staring at his phone for hours. Chanyeol’s picture is still his wallpaper.”

Kyungsoo sighed loudly at the mention of Chanyeol’s name. “He’s miserable Dae. I’ve never seen him like this. We thought it was bad with Rose but that was nothing compared to this.”

Jongdae remembered how Chanyeol had been after he ended his three year relationship with his ex girlfriend after he caught her cheating. He had drunken himself into mindlessness. They had all thought he would never recover. But then Baekhyun came into his life and he opened Chanyeol up again. The Chanyeol they had all known before life had defiled all his goodness. 

They’d been in awe as they watched their old Chanyeol make an appearance, honest and open and loving to a fault. And now he had slipped away again. Jongdae hadn’t heard from him at all since he’d come over that day, still didn’t know what exactly had transpired. When he’d come home all the lights were off and he could hear Baekhyun whimpering brokenly through his locked door. 

“Should we do something?” Jongdae wondered aloud. 

“I don’t think there’s anything we can do. This is clearly bigger than a silly quarrel.” 

“Plus, Baekhyun wouldn’t push Chanyeol away for no reason,” came Jongin’s voice from the background. 

“Baek is miserable too. He acts like he isn’t but I saw him the other day curled around Chanyeol’s scarf.” Jongdae’s heart had broken for his friend. Chanyeol had brought Baekhyun back to life, changed him into a completely different person. Someone with hope. 

And he had left him worse than before, a shell of a human being. He almost couldn’t believe how made for each other they were, how they completed each other without even realizing it.

“Well you guys keep an eye on Chan. I’ll hold down the fort here. I wish they’d work it out soon because this can’t be good for either of them.” 

Jongdae hung up the phone after his two friends agreed and said their goodbyes. A long suffering sigh escaped him. Above everything, he was scared. Baekhyun shrunk into himself further everyday, becoming reclusive, almost as if he wasn’t even present here. 

Jongdae lived in constant fear, so soon after losing Seulgi, he couldn’t fathom losing Baekhyun too.

—o—o—o—

Memories inundated him, no matter how hard he tried to push them away. Those too big eyes, the way they’d twitch when he got too excited. His ears, he was always embarrassed about his ears, but Baekhyun loved how they would go crimson at the slightest tease, how they’d fold over when he wore a beanie.

Chanyeol had treated him like he was a star child, precious and perfect, as if no one like him had ever existed before. He held Baekhyun like he was made of glass, hands so strong but gentle on his skin. Chanyeol had buried his misgivings about his father, about his own insecurity about his sexuality, to pour love into Baekhyun. 

Baekhyun was an empty vessel, unfeeling. Until Chanyeol had filled him with limitless love, contagious laughs and a promise of a better tomorrow. 

Chanyeol hated singing, but he would sing just for Baekhyun. His clever fingers on the piano keys, strumming along his acoustic guitar. His hands sure on the bow of a violin. Chanyeol was an entire orchestra, breathing music into the wretched silence of Baekhyun’s existence. 

Baekhyun’s vision blurred with tears, wetness dripping onto the pages of the book he was pretending to read. His eyes were on the pages, but he couldn’t see, not really. The pin point that had started on that beautiful winter holiday had grown exponentially. He could barely see at all anymore. And yet he couldn’t tell Jongdae or his family. 

He would’ve told Chanyeol, dear, wonderful Chanyeol. The only thing keeping him anchored to this life and he’d let him go. Now he was back to being untethered, floating listlessly in his heartache. 

Would he take him back? If he called him now and apologized for his unacceptable behavior, would he welcome him back into his arms?  
Baekhyun yearned to find out, but something much bigger than pride kept him from picking up the phone. Because if Chanyeol said no, it would break the very last thread holding Baekhyun together. 

So it was infinitely better to stay suspended, keep the box closed, and think Chanyeol still loved him.

—o—o—o—

Baekhyun was beautiful. The kind of radiance that was instantly striking, and lasted long after he turned away. Chanyeol remembered the very first time he had seen him, hands shaking on a karaoke mic. He hadn’t known him then but it didn’t stop him from being left electrified by Baekhyun’s easy allure.

When he’d seen him crying at the party, every fiber of his being wanted to protect, to wrap him in his arms and bury him inside his chest, where nothing and no one could hurt him. That night after the party he hadn’t slept. The old nightmares haunted him. He had convinced himself of his standing, putting everything he was into his relationship with Rose, fighting against his own heart to settle on marriage and children. 

He remembered the sharp sting of vodka burning all the way down his throat, drinking until he couldn’t see straight, the solace of the broken hearted. 

Chanyeol had spent his entire life pushing down a part of him, only to have it detonate wildly with every second he spent with Baekhyun. His hesitance, his obvious insecurity. Chanyeol wished Baekhyun would see him through his eyes. Because to him, Baekhyun was a supernova, emitting enough light to brighten the lives of everyone around him even if he couldn’t see it. Even if he himself was submerged in darkness.

It didn’t take much to see how Jongdae would give him anything, how Jongin, who only opened up to Kyungsoo, found a kinship with Baekhyun after only a handful of meetings. 

And Chanyeol, well Chanyeol would burn himself to ashes to keep Baekhyun warm. He would do anything, no matter how irrational to have Baekhyun smile, to smile at him. 

He couldn’t go back to alcohol, so he spent his days closeted in his room. He let his tears run freely down his face, he poured his misery into his music. Every note was forlorn, aching. Baekhyun’s face would flash behind his closed eyelids, fireworks going off, his drooping eyes, his lips which were naturally turned down. Chanyeol always wanted to kiss them. He wanted to love Baekhyun, teach him to love himself. Let him see his own staggering worth. 

But in all the days of bliss, Chanyeol had secretly been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just like his father, he was a failure. He was broken, hollow, and no amount of pretense could make up for the darkness that resided deep inside him. 

He spent the days staring at pictures, silly selfies and all the shots he took when Baekhyun wasn’t looking. He never wanted to forget Baekhyun’s face. The only face he’s really, truly, loved. Every day he waited, maybe today would be the day Baekhyun would call. He didn’t have to beg, he didn’t have to repent. Chanyeol would take a simple hello as all the apology in the world, because with each passing day, it was more evident. Without Baekhyun, there would be no luminescence. Chanyeol felt devoid, distraught. He needed Baekhyun to feel like himself again, to feel like he was someone worth needing. 

But the call never came.

—o—o—o—

“You sure you’ll be okay by yourself Baek?” Jongdae asked worriedly as he pulled the car up in front of the park.

“Yup! Don’t worry about me Daedae. I’ll call you in a couple of hours to come get me.”

Jongdae watched as Baekhyun made his way through the gates; he had been acting strange all morning but when he had asked him for a ride to the park, there was no way he could refuse. Baekhyun barely left his room nowadays and Jongdae was glad he wanted to get some actual air. 

He only started the car when he couldn’t see Baekhyun in the distance anymore, making sure to check that his phone wasn’t on silent before driving away. 

Baekhyun followed the sound of the lake, the lapping of the shallow waves against the artificial shore. When he woke up this morning he could barely see at all, panic had quickly set in before it dissipated just as hastily. Instead he was filled with a numbness, mind completely devoid of any thoughts. 

He couldn’t see the lake now, just knew it was to his right based on his hearing. He could faintly make out the cheerful shouts of children at the football field on the other side of the lake. He let his feet carry him to the hill, relying purely on muscle memory. The grey blight had grown significantly over the past few weeks, his peripheral vision was a narrow slit on each side, letting in a little light and the corners of images. 

He managed to get to his tree, slumping down onto the grass. He was surprised that there were no tears; he felt entirely too callous, as if he were floating above existence, watching himself mechanically go through the day. 

Baekhyun ran his fingers over the raised dots of the book on his lap, no longer practicing for a future yet to come, but trying to distract himself from the fact that after twenty years, he was finally, completely, almost blind. 

He wished he could manage with this small sliver of eyesight, he wanted, he wanted so much. To see the beach this summer like Chanyeol had promised all those months ago. Chanyeol. The name caused a deep pain in his chest. More than anything, he wanted to see Chanyeol’s face again one last time. He couldn’t let the last time he saw him be a face wet with tears, equal parts pleading and anger etched on to the beautiful features. 

His heartbeat was accelerating with each thought, he took a deep breath and stretched out on the grass. The spring breeze was gentle on his face, enough sunshine to make him see red behind his closed eyelids. He wished there was music, Chanyeol’s fingers strumming Sheeran on a ukulele, his laugh vibrating through his body and causing a frisson in Baekhyun’s. 

But he had to make do with the twittering of small birds, the cheerful yips of a dog in the distance. He played Chopin in his head, going through the tune systematically to avoid the panic attack that was on the verge of imploding. 

He didn’t know when he slipped into slumber, but it was quick and painless. 

Baekhyun woke when he felt something crawling on his arm, he shot up trying to thrash it away, unseeing. He cursed his brain for being so slow to come out of sleep, swatting blindly at his arms. After a few seconds though he still couldn’t see the insect, or his arms, or anything at all. 

He gasped out a breath, blinking rapidly, hoping it was the last vestiges of sleep. But no matter what, he simply couldn’t see...anything.

He sobbed, panic and fear clawing at him, tears bursting forth. He crawled to his knees, trying to fish his phone out, thankful for remembering to charge it, for once. 

His hands were shaking so violently that he dropped the phone twice before he got it open. The utter darkness around him was horrifying, he could barely breathe, sobs continuously racking through him. 

“C-call Jongdae. Siri, call Jongdae,” he screamed into the phone, voice rising in pitch. 

He waited as it rang, a third and a fourth, before it cut off. He tried again, entire body trembling from fear. After the third try he let out a weak whimper. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t see anything at all. And he was all alone. 

When Chanyeol picked up the phone, sprinting from his bedroom the second he heard Baekhyun’s personalized ringtone, all he could hear were loud sobs. His heart stuttered to a violent stop, fear gripping his chest. 

“Baekhyun? Baekhyun! What happened? Baby, what happened?” Chanyeol cried hoarsely into his phone. 

There was no reply, the sobs only growing louder and more desperate. Chanyeol stood rooted to the spot, paralyzed and helpless. 

“Baekhyun please, what happened? Where are you?”

“The p-park. Hurry. Please.”

Chanyeol was out the door before the call could even disconnect. 

He ran up the hill, not even remembering the drive over to the park, dread a living, writhing monster in his chest. His knees nearly gave out when he reached the top and saw Baekhyun, crying like a child, looking utterly lost. 

He ran to him, pulling him into his arms, unthinking. Baekhyun screamed, thrashing in his hold, trying to free himself. 

“Baek, it’s me. Baby, it’s me.” 

Baekhyun went boneless, his face was blotched, eyes unseeing and red rimmed. Chanyeol felt his heart break neatly in two, his own eyes brimming over. 

Baekhyun clutched weakly at his shirt, pulling himself up to his knees. He ran quivering hands up Chanyeol’s chest until he reached his face, cupping it in his palms. 

Baekhyun felt an anguish like he’d never felt before, not even in his deepest despair, did he feel like this. There was only darkness, a complete nothingness. He traced Chanyeol’s face, wetness flowing down his cheeks.

“I can’t see you Chanyeol. I can’t see anything.” 

Chanyeol clamped his lips closed to keep the sob inside, wanting to be strong for Baekhyun.

“It’s okay, Baek. I’ve got you.” His voice cracked pathetically. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it. I’m never going to see you smile at me again,” Baekhyun was nearly incoherent. 

Chanyeol had never felt a pain this sharp, it pierced his rib cage, ripping it open and gouging deep. Baekhyun was shaking like a leaf, weeping ceaselessly. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay Baek. I’m here now, we’re going to be fine.”

Baekhyun let out a pitiful wail, grabbing at his hair. “I’m sorry Chanyeol. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” 

“I love you Baekhyun, I love you so much.” 

Chanyeol let Baekhyun wet his shirt with sorrow, cradling him in his arms as sobs shuddered through his rail thin frame. He held him, an anchor in turbulent waters. 

They sat there as the sun went down, the stars rising in the sky and illuminating their silhouettes. Two lovers, clutching at each other, sharing a grief too big for just one to bear.

—o—o—o—


	5. Part V

“Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light.   
I have loved the stars too fondly, to be fearful of the night.” - Sarah Williams

Chanyeol watched as Baekhyun’s face twitched, a small yelp escaping his lips before he settled back into sleep. He was beautiful like this, features softened, relaxed. His eyes traced the scattering of moles on his face. He wanted to eventually discover every little mole on his body, press his lips to each one. 

He pushed a fringe of hair back from his face, watching with his heart full as Baekhyun nuzzled into his hand unconsciously. His nose was red, a sign he had cried before succumbing to sleep. Chanyeol sighed as he pulled away and lied on his back. 

Baekhyun had gone into being blind like he did with everything else, a quiet submission. What use was there to put up a fight against something insurmountable? He got back in touch with Dr Zhang and Dr Kim, accepted his final diagnosis. They had put him on the list for an eye transplant, hopeful since he was young and healthy. But Baekhyun had given up on the idea the minute they left the clinic. 

He was going to graduate school in another three months, but had no solid plans for the future. Chanyeol wasn’t worried though, his Baekhyun would find a way. What did worry him was the near constant redness of eyes, face almost always swollen. The worst part was that Chanyeol never saw him actually crying, only the aftermath. Baekhyun was hiding his misery from him. 

After that fateful evening at the park, Baekhyun had become unreasonably clingy and yet somehow, simultaneously aloof. His independent nature kept him from relying too much on others but he always had to have a hand on some part of Chanyeol, as if he was scared that if he didn’t, he’d vanish and not come back. Chanyeol scoffed inwardly at the notion, no force on earth can sever him from Baekhyun, the man held his entire heart in the palm of his hands. 

He wished Baekhyun had the slightest inkling of the depth of his devotion, that what he had seen so far didn’t even scratch the surface. Baekhyun was at the forefront of every thought Chanyeol had, sometimes it felt like he was the reason he woke up in the mornings. To be a recipient of his dazzling smiles, face incandescent with a glow only Baekhyun could achieve. To have him kiss him in the dark, whispers of “I love you Chanyeollie” the sweetest bedtime lullaby.

Chanyeol thought of the rings he had in the pocket of his fanciest suit, hidden away in the back of the closet. It wasn’t a marriage proposal, that was still a long way off. Something he could only think about after introducing Baekhyun to his family, meeting his own future in-laws. But it spoke of commitment, because there was nothing Chanyeol wanted Baekhyun to have more than a tangible symbol of the fact he was the only one for Chanyeol, and would be for all the years to come. 

He was deep in thought, not noticing that his boyfriend had awoken and was now resting his head on his chest. Baekhyun ran a hand across until he reached Chanyeol’s neck, turning it towards him.

“What time is it? Why are you awake?” 

Chanyeol wrapped both arms around him, anchoring him to his body. “I think it’s 3am, something woke me up and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Did I wake you up?” 

“Nope. Something woke me up too.” Baekhyun purred as Chanyeol began running his fingertips through his hair, nails scratching softly against his scalp. “Mmm, that’s nice.”

“Were you crying again?” Chanyeol ventured, gentling his voice. 

Baekhyun was quiet for so long that Chanyeol assumed he had fallen asleep. He went to pull his hand away when he heard the quiet answer. 

“Just a little.” A weak chuckle. 

Chanyeol cupped Baekhyun’s jaw, lifting his face up so he could look into it, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the soft skin behind his ear. 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

“It’s nothing. Just the usual crushing despair.” 

“Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun took another long pause, fingers playing with the hem of Chanyeol’s shirt. “It would have been Seulgi’s twenty third birthday today.”

“Oh Baek, baby why didn’t you say something?”

“I’m fine. I was just remembering her,” Baekhyun murmured. “I applied for the teacher job at the school for disabled kids today. I think...I think she would’ve liked that.”

Chanyeol wished there wasn’t so much wistfulness in Baekhyun’s voice, a world of grief. This was the one thing against which he felt utterly useless. His boyfriend was suffering and he was helpless. 

“Hey. Stop thinking so much. I just felt your entire body tense.”

Chanyeol willfully relaxed, still deep in his own head. Until he felt the press of lips to his jaw. He looked down to see Baekhyun smiling up at him, dimple showing even in the darkness of their room. 

“I love you.” 

It was wondrous how those simple words could put his mind instantly at ease, what else did he need, Baekhyun in his arms and love falling out of his lips. 

“I love you too, Baekhyun ah.”

—o—o—o—

It took a few months for them to finally hit their stride, with life constantly throwing hurdles in their path. Baekhyun continued to battle with his depression and anxiety, waking up in the middle of the night with a scream on his lips, thrashing around to find Chanyeol, having convinced himself that the entire thing was a dream, that he was alone again. Chanyeol would only hold him, reassuring him that he was right there, that he wasn’t going anywhere. 

Seulgi’s first death anniversary came around, leaving Baekhyun deep in a pit of sorrow that he took weeks to recover from. Jongdae and Chanyeol had sat him down, convinced him to talk to a therapist. Now he went twice a week, and Chanyeol could see the subtle changes already. Baekhyun singing again, filling the house with his powerful voice, eating and sleeping well, making more plans to hang out with their friends. He stopped having nightmares, didn’t need to constantly be near Chanyeol, too fearful of abandonment.

Baekhyun’s mother had come into the house unannounced one day, just as Chanyeol had emerged from the bathroom, clad only in a towel. Mrs Byun had crumpled to the ground, screaming and in hysterics. Chanyeol had been terrified that her emotional outburst would sway Baekhyun, but his boyfriend had sat them across from his mother and took his hand firmly in his. 

“Mother, this is my boyfriend, Park Chanyeol.”

“How could you do this to me and your father? This is...this is an abomination Baekhyun! It isn’t right!”

Baekhyun’s hand had been trembling in his, but his voice was steady when he spoke. “I’m gay mom, have been for a long time now. He loves me, and he makes me happy.” 

Mrs Byun had continued to cry, threatened to cut him off, even screamed at Chanyeol that she’d report him to the police. But after an hour of Baekhyun standing his ground, talking to her in a soft but definitive tone, she had begrudgingly wished them both happiness, only to tell Baekhyun not to visit the family home anymore and not to tell his father about his new ‘lifestyle’.

Chanyeol had expected Baekhyun to break down once she had left but instead he looked lighter, as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He’d reached up to pull Chanyeol down, giving him a loud kiss on the lips.

“I never thought I’d be able to come out to her! Are you proud of me?”

Chanyeol was proud, he was so proud that his eyes were suddenly wet. He loved this man so much, it nearly took his breath away. 

“I’m so proud of you babe. I love you.” 

“Stop saying I love you so much! It takes away the specialness.” 

Chanyeol could hear the pout in his boyfriend’s voice, couldn’t help the giggle that escaped his lips. 

“Okay. I adore you. I cherish you. I...uh...I fancy you!”

“Shut up.”

“You’re the Romeo to my Juliet. The kimchi to my rice!” 

Baekhyun had to kiss him just to get him to stop spouting nonsense and causing him to blush from head to toe.

—o—o—o—

They had their first real fight just before their one year anniversary, when Baekhyun idly wondered if they’ll visit Chanyeol’s family at some point. Baekhyun’s own mother had thawed considerably, inviting them to the mansion for Christmas. 

Mrs Byun had been waiting for the day Baekhyun would go fully blind for years, terrified that it would be the final thread that broke Baekhyun. But seeing him now, a glow that lit up the entire room radiating from him, smiles always wide, laughter easy and on the tip of his lips, she could finally find her own peace. 

And while her heart cracked a little that a strange man was the one to bring so much joy to her son, she couldn’t deny that Chanyeol cared about him. Not when his eyes followed Baekhyun wherever he went, looking at him like he was his whole world. She watched as Chanyeol trailed behind Baekhyun like a puppy, always looking out for his comfort, feeding him little treats and watching with an incandescent smile as Baekhyun’s cheeks bulged cheerfully. 

It wasn’t hard to give them her blessing, and the hug that Baekhyun gifted her when he heard was the best Christmas present she could’ve ever asked for. 

“Maybe New Years? It’s only fair since we went to mine’s for Christmas. Oh maybe I could get them presents anyway! We should-“

“Baekhyun. We aren’t going to be visiting them any time soon so, just forget about it.”

Baekhyun had put down his phone at the tone of Chanyeol’s voice, listening for his footsteps. When he couldn’t hear anything he leaned over the couch, trying to place him. 

“I’m here.” Chanyeol came over and took his hands into his own, lifting them up to his chest. “I haven’t come out to my mom Baek. And...and I don’t think I ever will.”

“What do you mean? How could you keep it from her forever? We live together Chanyeol,” Baekhyun hated that his voice was getting too sharp, unable to stop it. 

“I’ll see about that when the time comes.”

“It’s been a year since we’ve been together. And no one knows except your friends. Are you ashamed of me?”

Chanyeol sighed in frustration, letting go of Baekhyun’s hands. “It’s not so simple.”

“You’re never gonna tell your mother about me? Your mother who you call every night?”

“Look I don’t want to talk about this right now. Let’s take Toben out,” Chanyeol said, pulling the leash out of the closet. 

Toben had come running out on hearing the sound of the bells on his leash jangling, yipping excitedly. Baekhyun sat back on the couch, eyes brimming. 

“It’s like I’m a dirty secret.” 

“Baek that’s not-“

Baekhyun didn’t let him finish, walking to their bedroom and slamming the door behind him. He stared unseeingly at the ceiling, hating himself but still unable to let go of his anger. He didn’t want to push Chanyeol, coming out was his prerogative. But the way he sounded so sure, as if he wanted to hide Baekhyun away forever, it stung. Chanyeol would never take his hand in public, only kissed him after he was sure no one was around. Baekhyun had made his peace with it but sometimes, in the moments between sleep and lucidity, a tendril of envy would pop up, seeing how open Kyungsoo and Jongin were, and how Chanyeol only touched him when they were indoors. 

It wasn’t pretty, the words he’d hurled at Chanyeol the second he’d stepped through the bedroom door, accusations coming from a place of fear, only ever fear. He couldn’t see Chanyeol’s face, see it falling with every mean word. He had yelled back, trying to make Baekhyun see sense, but it was useless against the force of Baekhyun’s distorted conviction. 

He’d screamed and raged until he had fallen back on the bed, crying, exhausted. Chanyeol, dear, precious Chanyeol, had scooped him up in his arms and rocked him until the sobs subsided. He had kissed at his closed eyelids, mouthing at the tears until Baekhyun had no choice but to wrap himself around him, clinging on. 

“I’m sorry. But I can’t believe you doubt my love for you Baekhyun, after all this time.”

“I’m just...scared. You’re everything Chanyeol, you’re beautiful and talented and so so wonderful and I’m-“

“You’re perfect. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”

“Well to be fair I can’t-“

“Don’t do it Baek.” 

Baekhyun had laughed then. How did he get so lucky? How could he make an utter fool of himself, rain negativity down on them and still be held as if he was something fragile, something worth protecting?

Baekhyun had poured his deepest apology into the kiss they shared, pressing against Chanyeol and making sure he knew just how devoted he was too. 

The air shifted, Chanyeol’s hands were suddenly everywhere. They hadn’t gone much further than their first time in Nami Islands, Baekhyun still coming out of his shell. The furthest they’d gone was the night Chanyeol had put his fingers inside him, bringing him to a tearful, screaming completion. 

Chanyeol hadn’t been able to shake the memory of it, always thinking about Baekhyun’s face as he had come undone, flushed, with his name on his lips. How he had yearned for it but was too apprehensive about scaring Baekhyun away. But he was in his arms now, pliant, face red all over from his tears. But Baekhyun wasn’t crying anymore, the fierceness of his anger had turned into something more, lust in the touch of his hands on Chanyeol’s heated skin. 

He sat back as Baekhyun led, running his fingers all over his body, slowly undressing him, pushing Chanyeol’s hands away to undress himself. He pressed close, making them feel every inch of their bare skin against each other’s. 

Chanyeol easily overthrew him, pinning his small body down. This was how he could ask for forgiveness, this was how he would show Baekhyun that he belonged to him, with every kiss and every touch. He didn’t leave a single spot, laving his lips across the expanse of spotless skin. Baekhyun was boneless by the time he felt the intrusion of the first finger, tensing but relaxing once again. It felt so good, so incredibly good to have Chanyeol touch him like this. 

When Chanyeol finally entered him, a broken sound escaped him. His hands were shaking as they gripped at Baekhyun’s hips. 

“You’re so beautiful Baekhyun ah. You’re perfect, my salvation.”

Baekhyun was whimpering, wishing and praying to be able to see Chanyeol’s face right now. He sobbed as Chanyeol bent down to lick at his tears. 

“Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

Chanyeol was gentle, but after a few moments, it was impossible to not cant up into the tight heat. It was like a drug, feeling Baekhyun’s slick skin against his, knowing that the moans and screams were because of him, for him. This was the highest nirvana, and Chanyeol was drunk on it. 

The moonlight filtered through their open curtains, making pearls out of Baekhyun’s skin. Tinged pink and purple from Chanyeol’s teeth. His hands nearly bruising on generous hips as he drove forward. 

“Touch yourself Baek. I- I’m going to come.” 

Baekhyun reached down, the stumbling dexterity of a kitten learning to walk, touching himself as Chanyeol continued to thrust into him. Miraculously they came together, hoarse shouts of each other’s names. 

Chanyeol covered Baekhyun like a blanket, turning to press a lazy kiss to the side of his sweaty neck. 

Baekhyun lifted his arms weakly, rubbing them up and down Chanyeol’s back. 

“I’m sorry for saying those things.” 

“I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.” 

Chanyeol didn’t care that he sounded moronic, no eloquence. But he heard Baekhyun’s thundering heartbeat against his ear and perhaps it was enough. 

They did go to Chanyeol’s mother’s house after all, one sunny Sunday. Baekhyun was almost more nervous than him, sitting in the passenger seat in his best sweater and coat, hands tight on the flowers he’d made Chanyeol get. 

“The kids are doing well. There’s this girl, Joohyun, she’s adorable Yeollie. She reminds me a lot of Seulgi in a way, she’s very brave.” 

Chanyeol smiled, taking one hand off the wheel to squeeze Baekhyun’s jittery leg. “They have a good teacher. The best.” 

Baekhyun beamed back. These days he woke up with a newfound purpose, excitedly going over the course work he was going to teach the children. Their innocence worked wonders for his self esteem, no one questioned his dark glasses or his walking stick, accepted that he wouldn’t use the black board or write them notes. He thrived in their presence and came home everyday with a wondrous smile. 

They pulled up into the old house where Chanyeol grew up, paint fresh and garden immaculate. His mother came outside to greet them, hair perfectly coiffed and dress ironed to pleated perfection. 

Chanyeol took Baekhyun’s clammy hand in his, pulling Toben along with the other, although the dog sprinted free and ran the second he caught sight of Mama Park. 

“Tobennie my dear sweet boy! How I’ve missed you! Oh look how big you’ve grown!”

Chanyeol watched as his mother completely ignored both of them to coddle the tiny poodle, who was beside himself at the attention. He ran over to Baekhyun and tugged at his pant leg, as if to say “Look Daddy, she loves me!” 

That’s when his mother finally stood up, taking Baekhyun in with her shrewd, but gentle eyes. 

“And who’s this handsome young man? Chanyeol, you didn’t tell me you were bringing a friend.”

“Mom, this is Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun bowed immediately, almost forgetting the flowers which nearly whacked Toben who was running around at their feet. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Baekhyun! Come in, come in.”

Chanyeol let his mother pull him down for a hug, reprimanding him for never visiting whilst simultaneously telling him she had made all his favorite dishes for lunch. 

“Yoora should be here soon too. She’s very excited to see you,” Mrs Park announced over her shoulder. 

Chanyeol didn’t make any announcements, hoping they could see and understand. And it was almost too evident that they did, if the way his mother and sister exchanged knowing glances all throughout lunch was any indication. Unsurprisingly, Baekhyun charmed both women to the point where Chanyeol was completely forgotten until Yoora snarkily pointed out that he was pouting and it was unbecoming. 

Chanyeol whipped around to look at Baekhyun who was turning to face him, delighted. 

“I’m not, Baek!”

Yoora’s eyes shone as she realized the opportunity for mischief. 

“He is too, Baekhyun. And what’s with that haircut, Chanyeol? You look awful.”

“Oh? Did you get a haircut recently, Yeollie?” 

Chanyeol grit his teeth as Yoora stuck her tongue out at him. “No, I didn’t, Baek. She’s lying.” 

“And that outfit is so old fashioned. Oh Baekhyun, you’re dressed so much better.”

Baekhyun giggled, the sound musical. “I only know he wears soft hoodies. I think he’s stopped dressing up for me.”

“I wore a suit the last time we went to dinner, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol bit out. He thanked the heavens that Baekhyun had seen him before he lost his eyesight, his sister could definitely have convinced him that he was dating a troll. 

“I was kidding,” Baekhyun said gently. 

Chanyeol couldn’t help his smile, knowing it probably looked terribly dopey and in love. But there was no helping it, not when Baekhyun was sitting there, happy and teasing, hair falling over his glasses. 

He felt his mother’s gaze on him and quickly averted his eyes. It wasn’t until much later, when they were alone in the kitchen, washing the dishes that he gathered the courage. 

“Mom-“

“Park Chanyeol, I am very disappointed in you,” she began. 

“Mom, I can explain...”

“You have a beautiful boy with you and you’ve kept him a secret for so long?” 

Chanyeol sputtered in shock. Of all the things he had prepared for, this wasn’t one. 

“Oh don’t look so shocked, close your mouth. If only Baekhyun could see how silly you look right now.”

Chanyeol followed her around until she sat on the kitchen table, pouring herself a cup of tea, just like he used to when he was a child. 

“Mom, you’re okay with this?” He ventured softly. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Her eyes were sharp. 

“Because of...because of dad...”

Mrs Park let out a long sigh, closing her eyes for a moment. She reached out a bony hand to take Chanyeol’s in hers.

“I only couldn’t believe that he had lied to me for so many years Chanyeol, I never begrudged him his happiness.”

Chanyeol sat, stunned into silence. 

“He convinced me that he would be by my side forever, he made promises. And instead he left me raising two children alone with the eyes of all the prying ahjummas on me.”

“So you accept me? Us?” He couldn’t keep his voice from breaking. 

“Of course my son. I’ve known for a while if I’m being honest. I’m happy for you Chanyeol. Baekhyun seems wonderful. Promise me you’ll take care of him well.” 

Chanyeol blinked away the thin sheen of tears, outraged anew. “Shouldn’t you be saying that to him? I’m your actual son!”

“Yes, and I raised you to be strong and responsible,” his mother laughed. “So I know you’ll be okay. But that boy, he’s a sensitive soul. Be gentle with him.”

Baekhyun couldn’t help but cry when Mrs Park welcomed him into the family, wrapping him in a bone crushingly tight hug as they said their goodbyes, making them promise that they’ll be back for Chuseok. 

“But visit before that as well!” She had warned. 

Baekhyun readily agreed, tears erupting afresh as he saw that Mama Park didn’t go back inside the house until they’d turned onto the main road and out of sight.

—o—o—o—

Beauty surrounded them, the turquoise of the ocean glimmering under the summer sun, the pristine white sand nearly glittering. It was a stunning day, not too hot but with the sun beating down, warming them. But Chanyeol didn’t have eyes for any of it, solely focused on his boyfriend. 

Baekhyun was leaning back on his arms, face upturned, as if soaking up the rays. The tips of his cheeks glowed, lips impossibly pink, parted slightly. He had yelped in joy when Chanyeol pulled out the tickets, announced the four day getaway, just the two of them this time. 

“I can still remember a bit of it, you know? From when I was here with Jongdae. It was pretty.”

 **Not as pretty as you** , his brain supplied, simple minded and irrevocably in love. “There’s not much to see. But the water’s nice. You wanna go in?”

Baekhyun rewarded his effort with a kiss to his nose. “You know you don’t have to do that. I’m happy just being here with you.”

Baekhyun was more than happy, he felt the kind of all consuming joy he’d been looking for his whole life. For once he wasn’t counting down to better days or convincing himself that his situation could be worse. 

He was just…happy. It was simple and it was easy. And while Chanyeol was a huge part of it, perhaps the catalyst, Baekhyun was most proud of himself. Because he had dug himself out of the ashes of his disability, the guilt of Seulgi’s death, his crushingly low sense of self worth, a Phoenix, infallible, unstoppable. 

Now he wasn’t afraid to love, to show his vulnerabilities. He was secure in the knowledge that he was loved back, by Chanyeol, by his friends and family. He was making a difference in the lives of little children, hopefully helping them tackle their slight misfortune better, to see that their life was still theirs to live, as passionately and as grandly as they wanted.

It was Baekhyun who led them out to sea, following the sound of the waves, majestic to his ears. Chanyeol listened as Baekhyun giggled like a little boy, squealing when he was pulled onto broad shoulders before being dropped back into the water. 

“Oh I’ll get you back for that, Park!”

They played in the water for hours until Chanyeol was terribly sunburnt, wincing in pain as Baekhyun howled with mirth. 

The sun was just setting as they came out into the villa, Chanyeol couldn’t help but fall a little more in love as he watched the fading light give Baekhyun a golden opalescence. He was incredibly nervous, ring box feeling far too heavy in the pocket of his chinos. 

He stood behind Baekhyun, encasing him in his arms. He trailed kisses along the length of his neck, the curve of his shoulder.

“What are you thinking about?” 

Baekhyun hesitated for a minute, before chuckling softly. “I’m embarrassed to say.”

“Come on.” More kisses to supple cheeks, the mole on his left ear. 

“After my big speech about acceptance and how I don’t miss my eyesight...I really do wish I could see the ocean right now, Chanyeol. I wish I could see your face.” 

“Well, the ocean is beautiful, the sun is setting. So the sky is orange and purple and fiery red. And me? Well I’m the most handsome man in the world, I’ve gotten exponentially more handsome since you last saw me.” 

Chanyeol deserved the smack to his chest, but the tinkle of Baekhyun’s laugh was the prize he was after. 

He thought he’d wait till after dinner, but he couldn’t sit through this nervousness for any longer. He put his hands on Baekhyun’s waist, turning him, before taking his hands into his. 

“Chanyeol?”

“I’m going to have to ask you not to interrupt me when I do this because I really can’t do it more than once.”

“Chanyeol, you’re scaring me.” 

Chanyeol could barely hear the breathlessness of Baekhyun’s voice, not when his ears were roaring.

“Baekhyun, the first time I saw you, I knew nothing about you, but something instinctual made me hand that mic to you and cheer you on. Then when I saw you at that party, something very basal in me wanted to help you.” 

Chanyeol cleared his throat, unbelieving that he couldn’t even get through the first two lines. 

“I wanted to protect you, make sure that you never looked like that again. Each time you came in for a class, I’d have to control myself from staring at you, you’re so, so beautiful Baekhyun ah.”

Chanyeol heard the sniffle, the way Baekhyun’s hands started shaking in his. 

“I was scared, absolutely terrified about how I felt about you. A man I didn’t even know, the fact that I was feeling this way about a man, something I’ve always thought inherently wrong about myself, some diseased part-“

Chanyeol stopped, the tears were coming too quickly now. 

“But...but nothing about this is wrong. In fact, you’re the good fortune I’ve accumulated over how ever many lives I’ve lived on this earth. I’m not perfect, far from it and you deserve perfection, I know that.” 

“Chan-“

“But I’m a selfish bastard and I am going to keep you for myself, if you’ll let me. I’ll work on my issues, and I’ll help you through yours. We’ll make music everyday.” 

Baekhyun slid down until he was kneeling too, eyes blinking rapidly to clear the tears. 

“We can’t get married but I wanted you to wear a ring, it’ll be our little secret. So, do you-“

Chanyeol was cut off as Baekhyun launched himself at him, arms going around his neck, his wet face buried in the crook of it.

“You’re so sappy. I can’t believe you made me cry on our trip,” Baekhyun blubbered. 

“I’m sorry-“

“You’re so sappy and so infuriating and so handsome and the best thing to happen to me.” 

Chanyeol wrapped his own arms right around Baekhyun’s waist, laughing thickly. 

“Thank you for putting up with me, for waiting for me,” Baekhyun whispered around a sob. 

“Thank you for choosing me.” Chanyeol slid the ring on to Baekhyun’s finger, the thick platinum band looking gorgeous on him, the small diamond catching the dying rays of the sun. “Do you want to put mine on me?”

Baekhyun nodded fervently, hair flopping forward in his excitement. He took the ring from Chanyeol’s hand, finding his other, trembling still. He traced his hands up until he reached his face, feeling the wetness on his cheeks. 

Baekhyun felt like his chest could cave from the force of his love. Through all the endless anguish in his life, through the thorny wall of darkness he’d surrounded himself with, Chanyeol had found a way. He’d taken all his bitterness, all his anger and turned it into the purest love he’s ever experienced. 

Chanyeol had been his anchor and his sea, constant, vast in its unkempt emotion. He was volatile and fearless and all of Baekhyun’s desires. 

There was nothing he could want more than to spend an eternity with the man who helped him find himself. The answer was so simple, so vital. 

They kissed, soft and slow, all of the days ahead not enough for the strength of their ardor, for the depth of their commitment. The moon rose high into the sky, signaling nightfall.

But Baekhyun knew there wouldn’t be anymore days of darkness ahead, because he had Chanyeol with him now, lighting the way.

**The End**


End file.
